Friday, December 03, 2010

Ass-Facebook: Avoid These 8 Facebook Status Faux Pas

Updates Getting Crickets?  Stop Being an Ass on Facebook!
    If you're on Facebook and a sh1t ton of your friends have gone radio silent on your ass, there's a good chance you've been filtered out of their News Feeds.  Take a good hard look at your history - what are you doing wrong?  There are Eight Deadly (OK, not deadly - but adds dramatic effect amirite?) Sins when it comes to Facebook status updates. Until you get these issues under control, your social status will continue to plummet. No more time to waste, let's go:
1.  Random Mimicry
Stop already with the out of context random-ass song or movie lines.  Just becuase you're watching Billy Madison and your favorite scene has  you in fits doesn't mean you should blast out "Stop looking at me swan" to everyone you know. 

These people are not in the same headspace as you at that exact moment. Stop forcing your momentary - and I repeat, out of context - fuckery on them while they are busy working, running errands and being productive members of society. 

A better way to express yourself in this situation would be to say something like "I love it when Billy Madison is on 'stop looking at me swan' gets me everytime!"  This comment gives the reader more context and invites them to share their own connections with Billy Madison or Adam Sandler or Golf or swans etc. etc. and so on and so on.  

2.  Shame Spiral Play-By-Play
While your quarter/midlife crisis is amusing to us, it will many times cross a line that is too crass for us to handle.  

Aside from three of your frat bros, most of your general audience will find it incredibly offensive when you post an almost upskirt of some girl "at the club" or a photo of you in a tight ass Ed Hardy shirt (New Jersey residents exempt) or your new tramp stamp.

3.  Breakup Crossfire
Yes we know that breakups are hard. We've all been there, but constant 1AM updates about your new-found happiness or club galavanting is the digital equivalent of making us all stand around in a circle at a junior high boy/girl dance while you and your ex pretend to be happy with the nearest member of the opposite sex. Try to be a little less obvious.  Plus, nobody's buying it for a minute. 

4.  Political rants
Consider these unacceptable. It's okay to let us know you just voted or that you're happy that X candidate won.  Aside from that, don't get all Glenn Beck on our asses

We don't want to know about your conspiracy theories, or read your long rants about how much you hate the other "un-American" side (of which many of your "friends" are a part).  And we definitely don't want to be told how to vote.

5.  Desperation
Don't make desperate comments on a friend's status updates everytime said friend surfaces e.g. "thanks for never calling me back" or "you never say nice things like that to me." This is a surefire way to get blocked. 

People need their digital freedom without feeling like they owe someone anything, or being worried they'll be guilted into something.  Let people engage with you organically.  Don't force it.    

6.  Cryptic Bullsh1t
Stop crypti-venting about things that you aren't willing to divulge. For example, saying something like "he'll just never get it" is just fishing for folks to ask what's wrong. But when they actually do express concern, your clamming up is some crying wolf bullsh1t.

You can't half assedly air your dirty laundry and then zip your cake hole.  You're being obvious, you're crying out for help, but you just can't take that last step can  you?  Drive by venting is bad enough, but if you're going to do it, do it all the way. Anything in-between is super annoying.

7.  You're Bringing Me Down Man
Don't make the majority of your quotes about everything that's going wrong in your life.  Once in a while, a bad day comment is fine.  However, when your updates are an endless string of Debbie Downer-isms, it's just exhausting. 

Remember, everyone is dealing with their own bullshit, they don't want to be depressed on a daily basis with your "I'm sick again, why does this always happen to me?" and "my mother just called me an ungrateful bitch" and "I was late to work again, guess I'm gonna have to start looking for a new job soon" poor me blah blah blah. 

The rule is (because I just made it up and it sounds right), you can only do this once a fiscal quarter when you really have a bad day so choose your subject matter wisely.

8.  I Ain't Buying What You're Selling
Unless you're a business or public figure, your Facebook friends are not marketing targets.  Yes I know you're a stage actor, but please stop bombarding me with invites to your lame plays every weekend. I haven't even seen you since the third grade! Try to target JUST the friends you think might care. Sweeping ad/invite bombs will definitely get you de-listed.

Oh, and by the way,  I'm not talking down to you. I once was a multiple offender myself - which is how I detected these deadly sins.  I'm simply suggesting that you might want to pull your head out of your ass and learn the meaning of "self awareness" (you know, like that scary-ass spider training to take over the world).

Anyhoo, there's good news - it's all very easily remedied (AKA stop it).  Now hurry up and go de-douchify.

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