Friday, December 17, 2010

12/16 (Kinda) Live-Blogging Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Today's post brought to you by Mauricio
Umansky-Richards and Giggy Vanderpump 
For the first time ever at PAT,  we are (almost) live-blogging RHOBH! (westsiyeeeeed time zone - in honor of Giggy Vanderpump's 'hood).  The almost is because I needed some time for the Tivo to do it's job - I don't fancy dealing with bloody adver-tizments (did you just say that in Lisa's perfectly proper English accent like I did in my head? No? Me neither). 

Before we get started, how excited are we that tonight's episode is the much anticipated Malibu Barbie Pizza Massacre 2010 (AKA dinner party at Camille's)? 

how waaaaay excited are we that Kyle Richards is going to be on Watch What Happens Live tonight?  They better not let Denise (Richards, the other guest) get too much shine, we don't have time for her (Attention Andy Cohen: stick her in the online aftershow).

OK so heeeere we go.....

:00 Opening Credits
Why does Kyle playing with her coif in front of the mirror give me goosebumps and make the hair on the back of my neck stand at attention? 

Woo hoo Lisa and Giggy in the first segment! Prayers have been answered! BTW, who else thinks that Ken's hair can use some conditioner? And maybe a little de-mulletizing?  But it's hard to be mad at him when he's so gentle, carrying our precious Gigz around. No matching shirts today, boo.

Camille and Taylor, these two again, ugh. Camille talks about her daugher like she's an acquaintance. "I think she's 8 now, she's at school a lot."  Bitch, she's not your second cousin twice removed.

Woo hoo, first mention of impending "dinner party."  Camille learned a new phrase from her "self help book" (AKA the Garfield phrase-a-day calendar): cautiously optimistic.  Do you think she knows what it means? Ha ha just kidding.

So basically, I've cracked Camille's decpetive, clever, near-indecipherable code.  This dinner party is a ruse wherein Camille will invite her angry drunk "Medium" friend, ply her with alcohol and shove her Kyle's way to really let her have it.  Why do I feel like this was hatched from the play book of a one Mr. Wile E. Coyote?  Listen Camille, Kyle is no ordinary Roadrunner.  She's a Hilton once removed - they do unscathed in their sleep.  You don't stand a chance. <PREDICTION> <UPDATE: PREDICTION CORRECT!>

Oy, it's Glitter Hair and the Goof (AKA multicamera sitcom featuring Adrienne and Paul).  Seriously, who else has noticed they only play the "comedy" music track for these two (you know, the same music that follows Real Housewives of Orange County's Lynn Curtin around)? Bravo's in on it too.  Are they pandering for their own  Brav-omedy or something?

Anyways - does anyone find the "best BH rhinoplasty surgeon in the world with a broken nose" storyline a little suspect/planted/bullshit/hackneyed? 
Leave it up to Camille to not know the difference between a live person and an answering machine. She had to call Vandypump like 5 times before she figured it out. We know she's a "waits to talk" vs. listener, but this is ridiculous.  P.S. Vandy, pretending you're actually picking up the phone in your greeting is so '80s.  I did that shit on my hamburger compact phone (which sat on a white lucite night stand that also had a metallic mint green blow up palm tree and a hamster cage which - for a fleeting fortnight - housed a gorgeous white/beige specimen - but that's a story for another day).

I love how Camille  mumbled to Kyle "look nice" under her breath.  I see what you did there Camille.

Lisa  + Giggy + autographed Laboutins. Is this woman's life for real?  Because if I read about her in a book I wouldn't buy it.  P.S. I think Giggy has a quaalude habit (somehow, Cedric has to be involved).

Geeyah, Kyle playing with her hair, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to pay attention to this. 

Stop the presses, incoming: Kyle's plus one is Faye Resnick?!?!?!?!?! The OJ trial rag tag cast of characters has officially infiltrated RHOBH.  First Kato Kaelin at Taylor's casino engagement last week and now this????

In fifteen seconds, Camille was able to name drop her dress label (Chloe) and let us know that she collects lingerie "like candy." Impressive.  Sidenote: her closet really is a mess- doesn't she have a staff of like 50 people?  Too lazy to even boss other pepole around Mealy?

Um, here's why I'm falling behind, because when I saw Adrienne walk out to the limo in her black lace tights (BLACK LACE TIGHTS!!! AND NOT IN AN IRONIC AMERICAN APPAREL KIND OF WAY!!! SORRY I'LL STOP YELLING NOW) and lazy Dynasty getup, I literally paused the TV and drank it all in for a good 10 minutes.

Of course Lisa is flawless per the usual, but why is Ken holding three Giggys now? Is Giggy code for  Gizmo (for the millennials: that's a Gremlins reference, Google it)? You feed him quaaludes after midnight and he multiplies???

First shot of Faye Resnick!!!! That's all.

Uh oh, Medium friend Allison looks like she's already on her third bottle of Boones (in a glass the size of a fish bowl) before the party even starts as Camille gives her the "drink up" eyes.  She's already practicing her Kyle put downs!!!  Dun dun dun. And scene.

Pizza oven's fired up!!  Please enjoy this brief intermission.  I need to see a man about a horse.

Ok I'm back.  Wow, Medium Allison's up down "I'm judging you" look when the ladies walk in is priceless.

Um, how many times are they gonna tell us that she's the Medium?  "Patricia Arquette plays her!! That's her!"   Not really that impressive, Camille's paid friend Dodo/Deidre/Doo Doo whatever your name is, we don't have time for you!  Chillax, take a 'lude (Giggy has a guy).

Kyle enters the drafty, echo-y soul-less Malibu mansion!!!  Kyle get out while you can!! It's a trap!!

I love all the kiss kiss greetings at the beginning of a party when everything is still fake and proper pre-meltdown.  Just wait my precious, the magic margarita slash soup bowl elixir works beneath the surface.  P.S. the Bronte-esque foreboding in the tense, non-verbal greeting between Faye and Camille was a nice touch.  

Camille bestows the title "guests of honor" upon Allison and "Double D" presents them with the primo seating. Meanwhile, she's herding the rest of the ladies to the trough like a bunch of cattle.  A nice move from her Teach 'em Who's Boss self-help book.  I'm surprised her chair isn't two feet higher than everyone else's (when you look down at 'em, it gives 'em an inferiority complex - Teach 'em Who's Boss!!!!)

Uh oh, Allison's startin' to show her crazy eyes (and mouth).

Allison gettin' crazier by the second, I like where this is headed.

BTW, there's no way that Allison and D.D. aren't on Camille's payroll (along with married actor dude).  They work on commission - each compliment gets them $100, and each sly back-handed complimentputdown directed at the other women gets them $250. 

Camille: "who is Faye? Oh yea, I saw her naked in Playboy" "I loved your spread, literally." Predictable Camille, you're grasping. Step up your game.  P.S. everytime Camille thinks she says something smart in her confessional, she smirks and says "but um......"  Note to self: this would make a good drinking game. Oh, and apparently Faye is "morally corrupt."  Hi pot, meet kettle.

Thank the lord Kyle the fact checker was there w/her laptop to quickly point out that Camille did Playboy too.  Camille's counterpoint: "I did the lingerie supplement, not naked."  Ohhhh thanks for clearing that up for us Camille. In that case, you're still super classy.

Uh oh, they're playing the whimsical comedy track, that can only mean that Adrienne (what kind of zany character will she run into next?!?) the sitcom star has a funny/awkward (fawkward?) interaction with crazy eyes party guest, Medium Allison.  I can't wait for the chuckles to ensue!!!!! I think the name of this episode is "Allison DuBois and the electronic cigarette."

BTW update: of course I Googled Allison's "Oprah" appearance she managed to mention. Here it is with a screenshot for the lazy:
Medium Allison DuBois helps solve crimes.

No comment.

Finally, the Kyle/Allison duel Camille's been planning for weeks is getting started. 

BRB popping popcorn - talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a topic: Is Adrienne's husband hiding in a cheerleader costume due to a hilarious Three's Company-esque misunderstanding? Discuss.

K. I'm back.


Ironic foreshadowing of the day part 2,  Camille: "If someone's been cheating, she'll (Medium Allison) know."

Finally, Allison pounces "He (Mauricio) will never emotionally fulfill you... never... know that."  How dare she besmirch Mauricio!!! Girlfriend's got her Kelsey/Mauricio wires crossed. Obv.   Either way, Medium Allison is going down.

Lisa the "Oh no, not New York" voice of reason tries to diffuse the situation.  Not working, but A for effort (and cleavage).

Faye running interference (AKA fights for "the crazy friend" camera time) with Medium Allison.  No patience for these Noobs.

Poor little Kim is cracking from the tension.  The more jittery and twitchy Kim gets, the more Taylor glares at her. Sudden movements of weak prey awakens hunger inside lippy beast.

Meanwhile, Camille's puppet show is coming undone. 

Kyle finally unhinges her jaw and tells Allison what we're all thinking: "you're boring me...." Pwned!!! See Kyle knows that indifference is worse than hate, she learned that from her niece, or was it the dusty "Conrad Hilton (not the new, young one)  Guide to Insulting Fake Society Folk" she keeps in her night stand (gift from newly Hilton'd Kathy circa Christmas 1982)?

Washed up Medium ecigarette puffing hack calls  poor man's Demi "washed up" and tells her she's achieved "nothing in life." Um, EXCUSE ME, last time I checked (AKA just now on Google), Mauricio is only the TOP selling BH luxury realtor at Hilton and Hyland thank you very much! That's an achievement! She pulled that! And have you seen him with his shirt off? Good day! I said good day!

Taylor has had enough and starts to "get all Oklahoma" on Kim again for some reason (cough camera time cough) and then runs to mama Adrienne to "make it stop."  The psychological nuances were not lost on us, but still kinda boring. Next.

No seriously what is this meaningless fight with Kim and Taylor? Something about New York bullshit and then I think Kim said someting about Taylor's lips, but my mind was wandering and I was too lazy (and bored) to rewind it. Can the editors do a better job at trimming the snooze? 

Finally the ladies have had enough - they bust out of the haunted mansion.  Kim tries to be nice to Camille when she says bye and then awkwardly trips over something.  Lightbulb over my head, if anyone should be landing a sitcom deal 'round these parts, it's this one.

I'm kinda mad at Kyle for shoving Kim alone in a limo, ditching her for the other ladies.  Conjures up memories of my older sister in junior high when she was with her "cool friends" and ignored me in the halls.  Nobody puts Kimmy in the limo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh snap, Camille insinuates Mauricio is a philanderer!! "He really loves women" Eek, karma's a bitch Mealy.

How sad is the scene with Kim calling Kyle in the limo and her NOT PICKING UP????? Meanwhile they're going to the Polo Lounge without Kim! Let's all tip a 40 for Kim.  Kyle, you're falling off your pedestal. 

Upcoming Episode Teaser:  Why does the closeup scene of Kyle with a blurry Camille in the background (both of them in flapper wigs and getups mind you) remind me of some Lifetime Channel murder mystery thriller?

And scene. 

Live blogging is harder than I thought y'all!

Peace, love and Giggy.

P.S. Cowboy Adrienne Maloof says bye too.

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