Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Obsessed With: Alec Sulkin

Image Source: Alec Sulkin's Twitter @TheSulk

A lot of times, people on the street don't come up and ask me, "who are you obsessed with these days?"  But if they did, I'd have some things to say on the topic.

So a new feature "Obsessed With" is born.  For the inaugural post-ola, we'll start with Alec Sulkin.

Who is he?  
Alec is a writer for Family Guy - one of the greatest sitcoms in the solar system.

Yeah, but Family Guy has like a gajillion writers.  Why him?
Well, Alec used to (like very recently used to) date comedic great Sarah Silverman.  So we thought to ourselves, "Sarah is funny, so if she likes him, he must be cool right?" Saved a lot of analysis time that way.

But, what else does he do?
When we're not obsessing over what went wrong in their relationship, and why the kids can't make it work, we're reading Alec's Twitter, which is only gross and offensive some of the time.  Most times it's pretty funny.  He also seemed pretty likeable in an episode of comedian Pete Holmes' podcast (called 'You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes').  P.S. Pete Holmes - you're semi cool and all but you need to let your guests SPEAK on your podcast and stop de-railing them with your pointless musings.  Just a suggest.  Love ya.

The Time I Almost Cried About The Axl Rose / Slash Feud AKA A Story About The Internet Vortex

So one night I was all sitting there thinking to mahself, "remember the song November Rain? That was like a really good  video." So I hopped on the old YouTube and watched the symphony of cinematographic perfection riding bitch with musical genius (sorrs, can't embed). Um, how much do we love the Slash-in-his-leather-chaps solo outside the church?  P.S. side note, I miss Axl Rose running around in white biker shorts.

But I digress.  Anyway,  then I got all nostalgy for Guns N' Roses and their Appetite for Destruction album so naturally I watched the Welcome to the Jungle video (which made me freak out inside thinking oh my gosh, I want to run to a Hollywood bus stop RIGHT NOW and scream at every teenage toehead to "GO BACK BEFORE THIS CITY EATS YOU UP!!!!!!!!!" But then I remember that Hollywood is an innocent underbelly these days full of falafel, Brent Bolthouse, the Kodak Theater and just a little bit of drugs and prostitution.

Then I watched the Sweet Child O' Mine video and  I was like, wasn't that chick in the SCOM video Axl's girlfriend back in the day?  And yes - turns out they were together for a minute (which means a long time in slang FYI)  she was also the daughter of one of the Everly Brothers (they sound familiar, and old - I don't feel like looking up their discography cause the digression is workin' at max levels)  but they broke up because ish got hectic, which doesn't surprise me given that, according to Wikipedia:  Rose and Everly were married on April 28, 1990 in Las Vegas. According to Everly, Rose had shown up at her home the previous day with a gun in his car and told her that he would kill himself if she did not marry him..

I mean, right?

Then I started getting even more upset that the band wasn't together anymore. Axl's childhood seemed sad you guys - and who doesn't meltdown in their 20s? Does that mean we all (AKA MANKIND) have to be robbed of musical nectar? Because, couldn't they see it? And then I tried to piece together the downfall.  So I got ta Wikipedia'ing again like a mofo.  And like, it turned out it was Axl vs. the rest of the band - as most fans already know.

And then I got all obseessed with finding footage of the last interviews of the band together, and then Slash and Axl interviews post breakup - cause every journalist in the WORLD asked them about each other everytime they granted a camera in their face.
Like,  more than Brad and Jen - epic proportions.   I don't exactly remember everything I learned from it.  If I recally correctly, at some point Slash was over it, and then Axl still wasn't.
 And blah blah blah Axl re-forms the band with a dude that has a KFC bucket on his head?? and so on.

Then I got all sidetracked because I never realized how cute Izzy Stradlin was - because he didn't seem that cute to me when I was a little kid when GNR came out.  But as an adult, I'm like Izzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyy.
So I started YouTubeing Izzy and he seemed pretty netural over the feud.  He just kind of got sick of everything and left the band.

This is my FAVE Izzy video of all time, because he seems so deep and nuanced... skip to 1:09 to  hear his wisdom:

Hey Izzy, sup?

My mind is exhausting right?  K, bye!

How Long Does It Take To Turn A Mouse Into An Elephant?

Oh, only 24 million generations. This according to a new story in ScienceDaily


Evolution is real people, it just takes some gumption. 

Don't ask me how long a mouse generation is.  Don't they breed like every other day? But wait, elephant generations are like forever - gestation alone is like two years for our pachyderm frenz. (<-- see what I did there? No I swear I'm not hiding pureed broccoli in your bronwies - this isn't learning, it's fun right? mmmm ha ha)

Anyhow - basically if we want to evolve into giants - we can do it, it's just gonna take a while.  KEEP THIS NEW MISSION IN MIND AS YOU BREED PEOPLE.  Khole n' Lamar, you're doin' it right.

You Guys, What's Going On With Gawker?


Like for realzies.  Gawker is like, barren, lots of days. Every other day there's a swan song from YET ANOTHER WRITER "leaving to pursue other interests" ahem.  They got rid of the Editor, Remy Stern - WHO WAS DOING A PERFECTLY FINE JOB, late last year  and brought the dude in from Deadspin - A SPORTS BLOG! - to take Remy's place.   

Then it announces weird auditions for random new writers and "traffic days" for the remaining writers wherein they post a lot of random stunty moves.  Oy vay.   Um, hi, Nick Denton, supwitdat? 

Never mind that I seriously considered submitting myself to audition as a night/weekend writer at 3AM two Saturdays ago as I stuffed my face with diet snacks and began pulling together a "portfolio" aka a link to this sad blog + some mock headlines and articles I was capable of writing.  Then I was all, you know what Nick Denton? Nu uh,  you been the boss long enough.  And even if by some act of dog, I got the audition gig - something wouldn't feel right.  Like dental isn't included is it?  Plus the rabid commenters are gonna eat me alive and - did I have to submit posts to be scrubbed of all the good ish first? Probs right?

I don't know you guys.  Up is down, left is right, Steve Jobs is dead.  Anything is possible. 

Can someone suggest a new site where I can zone out of my work day for seven minute mind snacks? Oh I know, I'LL MAKE MY OWN!!! I'll resurrect this crapfest blog and try to pump some mindful ish into this radioactive reality wasteland.  Stick around, let's see if we can make something work. Cause GAWKER sure as heck ain't gonna solve this problem for us.  Calm down Jezebel, you're doing just fine.  Back to work for you. But Gawker? I'll take things over from here.  Thank you. 

From now on, I'll be mixing up topics, injecting some more surr-ious stories - but of course mindless drivel is the foundation of this house of cards and always will be. Fear not my tens of loyal readers.  I mean, where would we be as a human race if we couldn't spend hours pondering the dynamics of Snooki and Mike's possibly fake but possibly real feud? P.S. did you guys see the random club cat fight Sammi got into during last week's Jersey Shore?  WTF was that? And why did they only spend like 3 seconds on it?  That should have been the whole show.  So many questions.  

Back to the super serious State of the Union of this blog. Suggestions welcome.  Just kidding I don't care what you think. Just kidding, I do, I just try to tell myself not to care what others think cause I'm tryin' to get my mind right and be all like a boss when inside I'm all - like a Ross (Geller, from Friends - not  Rick Ross, cause, well, he's a boss).  


P.S. I still mourn the loss of Richard Lawson - the best Gawker writer EVER EVER EVER.  He left a few months back to write for the Atlantic Wire.  But I suspect other tensions motivated that move.  And when that happened I was all "I'm gonna read the Atlantic Wire everyday from now on - buh bye Gawker!" But that never happened - I couldn't get into it but I promise I'll try again Richard.