So we were considering not covering RHOBH this week because #whitegirlproblems are getting old plus Camille was only in it for like 5 seconds, but we'll push through. Some disclaimers, this will be half assed even for me and did I mention Camille was barely in it?
- Let's start with Camille since she'll be fairly easy to get out of the way. Dear, sweet, disillusioned Camille. If nobody has explained this to you yet, let me try. Kelsey's awards are not your awards, you have nothing to do with his recognition except for the fact that he earned them in spite of being dragged down by you. Okay, now that we got that straight, remember everyone is just jealous of you and that is why bad things keep happening to you. That's it, there is no other possible solution.
- Moving on to Adrienne. Wow girlfriend, I know I called it but you're really gonna take this all the way aren't you? This buffoon and princess "sitcom" you have going on. I mean that's the only thing that explains your presumably well educated successful doctor husband playing the role of clumsy but well meaning [X CHARACTER - FILL IN THE BLANK] from every half hour situation comedy since the invention of TV? Well, plus your shiny mylar hair extensions. Those are definitely princess-like, not tacky in the least - anyone who says so is just jealous (Camille will explain it all to you). Where does one go to get those Adrienne? Party World?
- Ok so we didn't have much from Kyle this week - she was more of a supporting character - as the helpful sister and confidante to Taylor. Good thing anyways since I can't seem to follow her storylines. All I see is that long gorgeous hair with background music playing in my head.
- Oh, Taylor - yes yes I know puppy puppy sniffles welts sad sad, but I'm not really going to get into that whole mess because it was only a means to a bigger issue: Russell the Sphincter Muscle. Tay Tay, can I call you that? No? I never thought I'd really empathize with you, but the time has come. For some reason I always thought that whole unaffected, pompous thing Russell had going on was all an act just to make your marriage seem interesting. Well, you guys aren't THAT good at acting, so that just means it's all true and that really is sad. But let me give you a really good piece of insight: meekness is not going to solve any of your problems so grow a proverbial sack and unleash on that lump of vanilla pudding.
- That brings us to the belle of the ball - little Miss Kim. No comment on the blind date or the brash London curmudgeon she was paired with, to each their own. What I'd like to focus on is THAT DRESS, you know because that's just Kim being Kim, 100% Kim, because I'm Kim and that's who I am. Since when did being Kim equate to a mix between every New Jersey Housewife and Jerseylicious broad all rolled into one?
- Finally, there's Lisa. Full disclosure, I'm Team Vanderpump all the way. I know she's not in a fight, thus doesn't need a team to rally around her, but I need to be able to chant Vanderpump over and over without it being weird. Plus I had all these jerseys made up, so there's that. Can someone explain to me how Lisa and her husband have all this money? All we hear about is the one restaurant. And who is Mohammed? All I know is one second I was watching RHOBH and then all of a sudden I was in the middle of some weird Dynasty episode where the Arab sheik moved into town and built a huge castle (was that an episode? I'm totally making it up but it sounds right) and then all of a sudden I was watching some weird documentary on the History Channel (or was it Logo?) about Turkish baths.
Ugh, sorry for this half-assed mess. To make it up to you, I leave you with images of all the fine actresses of RHOBH in their thespia-ic primes.
|Lisa Vanderpump in Silk Stalkings|
Some pervy show from the 90s
|Kyle Richards in some kid movie from back in the day|