Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Real Housewives of Atlanta - I'm Getting Lazy

So, I'm getting lazy, it's Tuesday evening and I'm just now getting to addressing RHOA.  It didn't move me enough to get off my a$$ and do a character by character recap in real-time.  I'll shoot for this on Thursday with RHOBH. 

Ok so I don't really know what was up with the 1:15 minute episode this past Sunday.  It's not like it was so action-packed they couldn't shave a bunch off (AKA every single Cynthia segment - bore bore snore snore) and we would've walked away with the same picture in our heads. A bit underwhelming.  Here's my half ass attempt at pretending I cared about any of this week's mess:

  • I'm not even going to lie and say that I watched the Cynthia scenes. I fast forward'd through them, no time to waste on these wet noodles.  Though I will say, in my FF frenzy, it looked like they had some sort of mixed bag entourage with them - who were these fools?  Didn't really care enough to invest.
  • Another disappointment, nothing interesting enough on the Kim front - except her amazing awesome outfit when she went purity ring shopping with her offspring. I present you the latest in classy fashion:

Brielle's Purity Ring
Photo (c) Bravo
  • Ugh sorry that's a crappy pic (all I could find) that makes it look like she was wearing an             innocent little maxi dress.  You gotta take my word (which isn't worth much, sorry) there was a ton of side boobage and striperella strappy bikini back action going on.  Moving on, who else is getting sick of this Kim/Kandi cold war of words over Tardy for the Party  money? You can't stretch this non story over 8 episodes and not have anything new to share. 
  •  Ok, so on to Kandi.  Can we please get off this Kandi Koated Nights nonsense?  Really, does anyone watch this cracker jack operation?  I just went over to the KKN to see if I can get a viewer count, but that thing is held together with masking tape, almost froze my computer so I had to bolt.  Kandi - stop talking about vaginas 24/7 it's like vajayjay this and coochie that.  Ugh yes we get it you are a "freak" go to Craigslist and don't drag us in the middle of things we can't unhear. 
  •  I'm not going to waste too much time on Phaedra today since she's usually the centerpiece of these recaps (and she was only on for like 30 seconds).  Anyone else feel like her husband has a side piece?  There's a sort of I'm a subservient kept man who will get the last laugh glimmer in his eye dontcha think? And why did they get home from the hospital and get all comfy before going back to the car for the baby?
  • This brings me to Nene. I am convinced that Nene thinks there's a reality show category at the Oscars.  First with the Melanie Griffith Working Girl storyline last week and now this week with the Kramer v. Kramer slash War of the Roses drama with Gregg.  That was some good stuff Nene, I have a feeling Andy Cohen will pull some strings and get the Bravo folks to cough up a fake Oscar and awards ceremony 2 episode special....
  • Saving the best for last - award for keeping my attention longest this week went to Sheree and Dr. Tyee (of pervy finger-licking and sandal wearing, super serious, important, for real online degree fame).  The lunchtime showdown between these two is the stuff I liver for.  Tyee is the shadiest of the shady, he oozes "I'm lying" from every pore of his body.  My favorite part of course, was the end when he pulled his paper proof (AKA fake University of Phonix diploma written with a Sharpie in his car 5 minutes before the date) that he has a PhD but refused to show it to her unless she'd prove to him that she was really a woman. But how sad was I when he walked off into the sunset? Bravo, find a way to get him back in stat (or get some more Dwight scenes to fill this void).

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Week In Review

This Week We:
Have a hap-crappy weekend.

Jerseylicious - My Photograph of the Tracy/Olivia Incident

Forgot to tell you that I actually witnessed the now infamous Tracy/Olivia fight in front of the Sonic on the highway in Central Jersey.  Here's the picture I took:

Ahh makes me miss the days of yore when I would get into fights at strip malls over greasy orange juiceheads.  Wait, everyone does that right?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Just What We Need - A Self-Aware Spider

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife (too played out? I'm keeping it), it is officially the beginning of the end of the world.  Global warming, bedbugs, wars, swine flu etc etc and now a new feature to add to the foreshadowing of the apocalypse:

A self-aware spider.

This fool knows too much.  He (or she) has a presence, a personality.  Maybe he's just getting ready for his debut when the arachnids rule the world.

Brb, Googling "how to build a bomb shelter."

Your Guy Fieri Bashing Is Getting In the Way of My Food Porn

I never used to mind Guy Fieri. He was a means to an end.  The end being "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" the ultimate in food porn.

I'd watch this show for hours - especially when on a diet.  Living vicariously through a bunch  of porkers made me feel full.  All I could see through my tunnel vision was the greasy, delicious food, the people making it, the people eating it. 

Once in a while I'd notice the white haired "old guy at the club frat guy" hanging around,  but he was barely on my radar.  Then, like a quiet underwater swell Guy Fieri hatred began to build until it the shores like a massive tsunami.  These days, it's everywhere. People bash the guy any chance they get, on SNL, Time Magazine, the blogosphere - even fellow chef Anthony Bourdain is in on the action.

I've had no choice but to notice his douchiness and NOW I CAN'T ENJOY MY FOOD PORN.  All I see is Guy being a douche, Guy making sure diner owners know he's a "real chef,"  Guy "jokingly" judging their cooking methods. Then there's the 90s catch phrases, the creepy uncle factor, the sweat bands and backward sunglasses, and OH MY GAWD the goatee.  It all screams at my senses louder than a thousand car alarms and Vegas neon signs combined.

I can't do it anymore.  "Triple D" (a kicky catch phrase a la Guy) is ruined forever. I've been reduced to watching "Throwdown With Bobby Flay"  but it's hard to see through all the smug.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Real Houswevies of Atlanta (RHOA) Rundown - Check You

G-O-O-G-L-E Me... (no seriously, I need some search engine optimization for real up in here).

Season 3, Episode 8.  Ladies, I'm gonna have to check you.  Let's get to it...

  • Please tell me this "lawyer" did not just say that the lady fingers are filled with "barbarian cream" what in the, WHAT?
  • Phaedra, we aren't stupid.  In the early scenes, we know that you told your doctor and your husband to go along with this whole "36 weeks but full term" nonsense on camera because you're hiding a deep, dark soap opera secret about that baby.
  • Admitting Nurse: "how many weeks are you?" Phaedra: "I don't know" hmmmm.......
  • OOHHH!!! 28 min in and the doctor finally sells Phaedra out!!! "You're at 40 weeks" mmm hmmmmm. He couldn't lose sleep over these lies anymore (or he couldn't keep track)
  • Favorite Phaedra quote (aside from barbarian cream): "The first time I looked at him, he just looked Chinese to me"
  • 30 min. in and I still don't have anything interesting to write about Kandi yet. She's kind of like the glue that holds the storylines together but that's about it.

  • I love that Nene put on her best "Working Girl" Melanie Griffith shoulder-padded blazer and marched down to the local TV station to get herself a job.  Go on with your independent woman self Nene.
  • Nene has celebrities on speed dial, just in case you didn't know. 
  • Once you piss off Michael Lohan, you're pretty much black-balled. Guess Nene doesn't know that yet. 
  • Out of what gutter did you pick up that orange wig you dusted off and gave to Kandi???
  • Just fyi, a high school biology class does not constitute a nursing degree
  • Kim, why did your "can I smoke in the car?" (Kandi: "no") "then I ain't coming" make me laugh so hard I near fell off the couch? Kim is so relaxed but in your face about everything. My brain doesn't know how to make sense of it.
  • Look at Sheree  talking up Tyee (of finger licking Tyee fame) because her ex-husband is in ear shot.  Obvious, but entertaining.
  • Finally, 40 minutes in, Tyee shows up!! happy dance. Wait, what's up with his sandals? I mean, the fact that he's wearing sandals - with a blazer and trousers.
  • Okay, is it just me or did you kinda feel bad for the feller as the entire group grilled him about this "Dr." nonsense. 
  • BRB, going to get my online doctor certification at the Eastern Southern Illinois College.
  • UPDATE: Forgot to mention I just read that damn Aston Martin Sheree flaunted up and down the streets this episode has already been repossessed. SMH
Closing thoughts:
Okay guys, I'm a Dr. now! Phew, it was a hard 7 minutes, but I persevered.  Just printed out my diploma and everything. 
  • Favorite quote from upcoming scenes
    • Dr Tyee (to Sheree): "prove that you're a woman"
  • Lisa: I see what you did there. Your name isn't bolded here, but it sure looks like you're trying hard to get back into that status.....  

 For more Housewives/Bravo commentary, check out Andy Cohen, Can We Twalk and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You

Alright women, time to Check You.  I was a little late tuning in to this week's episode. I wanted to wait until I had a chance to really settle in and savor it.

Let's get to it:

Yeah, this is really Taylor back in the day.
Yowza. She looked like the mom
from Growing Pains!!

Taylor Armstrong:  What exactly happens when someone gets "Oklahoma" on our asses? Do you just make it really  dusty all around?  I gotta say, Taylor hasn't earned our respect or the credibility to be going around talking like she's tough. We've all seen this subservient, fake damsel around her husband enough times to know that she doesn't have a spine.  Her outburst at Kim was an obvious ploy to get some camera time because she doesn't have a story line.  We don't really care honey.  If you want us to invest in you, you're going to have to start airing out all the real dirty laundry from your marriage.  Something obviously ain't right there.  Until then, just be quiet and know your role. 

Kim Richards: Does anyone else feel protective over Kim?  I mean, yes she's (allegedly) dumb as a box of rocks, and yes her blank gaze cuts right through to your soul but her vulerability makes you feel bad for her and just want to hug  her and shield her from the realities of the adult world. 

Adrienne Maloof:  Is it just me or does Adrienne seem like she has an accent? I can't place it but I Wikipedia'd her ass (you know, the word of god) and it said her and the rest of the Maloofs are originally from New Mexico, so there goes that theory.  Other than that, Adrienne is like the boring sorority mom who all the sisters visit to spill catty fight details so she can "call it."  I know her and her husband are trying to drum up some sort of comedic marriage storyline between the two of them, but it's just falling flat.  He comes off as a dumb goon - and I don't know if that's the best reputation for a top Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.  Otherwise, she's good people. amirite?

Lisa Vanderpump: How does one not love Lisa?  I just want her to coo a lullabby in my ear as I fall asleep.  Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa Vanderpump.  I can just say her name all day long.  I love the episodes when @GiggythePom makes an appearance too.  Poor little buddy was getting manhandled like a rag doll out in the backyard (with his little - matching with hubby - lavendar polo shirt).  Is that critter alive?  If you told me he was stuffed, I'd believe you in a New York minute. 

Kyle Richards: Whenever it's a Kyle segment, I try to concentrate on the scene, but all I see is her hair flowing. In slow motion. That's it.  I know there was fighting with Camille and her sister, and some sort of shopping scene, but it's all a blur.  She shouldn't waste her time doing anything on camera but putting her hair up and then slowly taking it down, and then clipping it back up. And then her husband can come and hold their little baby with his bicep flexed. Boom, a whole show right there.

Camille Grammer: Ok - I have so man (<-- typo but I'm keeping it for obvious reasons) thoughts about Camille this episode, but it's all swirling around in my head trying to get out at the same time in an incoherent mess. Let me try some bullets to break it down:
  • Her "friends" that swoon over her and tell her how "jealous" everyone is of her.  I think she pays them. Well obviously the hair and makeup folk, but the married couple, what's up with that weird relationship? I think it's all staged and Camille is really "hittin" that dude, and deep down inside, he really doesn't like her either.  He's just trying to get camera time because he wants to be an actor.
  • Camille in Kelsey's dressing room as he tries to repeatedly kick her out and she still lingers.  I felt so uncomfortable watching this scene. You know his mistress was hiding behind some curtain right before Camille ambushed him with the cameras. AWWWWKKKKKWWWWARRRRRD. It's so apparent that Kelsey can't stand his wife- brilliant move on his part convincing her to do this show so that we'd all know just how rotten she is right as he files for divorce.   Genius plan, he is a puppet master.
  • Camille reading "The Art of War." Yes Camille you are sooooo smart. Wow and you're preparing for battle like a true soldier. Brava. Brava.  Oh and yes, your vocabulary is off the charts, and when you say pernicious over and over it makes you THAT much smarter. 
  • We ALL wish we could be you, we are SOOO JEALOUS that we don't have four nannies, a house manager, bought friends, a husband who hates us, kids who have no idea who we are etc. etc. and so on.  Ok, I may be jealous of your Club MTV stint, you got me there Camille. 
 For more Housewives/Bravo commentary, check out Andy Cohen, Can We Twalk.

Week In Review

Remember: When Life Gives You DoucheBags, Clean Your Junk

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Who Else Does This?

  • Watch 90s sitcom reruns on TBS (extra points if you Tivo them)
  • Use Google images to self diagnose medical ailments 
  • Trust Wikipedia as the word of God
I thought this post was going to be longer, but I realized I can't be bothered to muster cleverness energy.  I got nothin.

I think I'm in a bad, unproductive mood b/c The View was boring today. No Elisabeth either.  Makes me long for The View: Whoopi and Barbara Tense-mageddon 2010.  Maybe more drama Monday? (Since you know pre-taped Friday will be flaccid per the uzhe).


The View: the Cold War Continues (AKA More Passive Aggressive Feuding With Barbara)

I am a religious "viewer" of The View -  it's like the highlight of my day.  Not because I particularly like any of the ladies, (though I do agree with one or two of them on the reg).  The main reason I love the show is because you never know when baby Jesus will descend from the heavens and hand over a certified loonza toonza miracle moment.  Now it used to be that these moments happened maybe once a month.  But these days, it's like once, sometimes twice a week.  Basically whenever Barbara decides to show up.  

Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with today's gem.


(For the impatient, skip to :28). In a shell nut, Barbara and Whoopi go at it as Whoopi tries to obey production instructions (via ear chip) to cut to break.  Barbara snaps at Whoop that she wants to finish her thought.  Now, you can't tell what happens next but it appear that Whoopi may have rolled her eyes at Barbara before telling her she needs to cut to break.  Then Barbara (don't let the victim act fool you!!!!),  passive aggressively chastises Whoopi and proceeds with her part.

I'm so sad because the clip doesn't show the last few seconds.  Because that's when the lord baby Jesus plucked a cherry and stuck it on top for me to gorge upon.  Elisabeth (mind you, who has been uncharacteristically quiet the entire episode - I presume because of my theory *see #3 below*) subtly speaks to Whoopi with her eyes.  It's not immediately apparent to the untrained rookie (good thing you have the benefit of my intuitive guidance) but they have a "damn, this bitch is crazy" moment among themseleves.  I live for this shit - don't we all? No? Just me? Be right back, I'm being summoned for my intervention.

Some background for people who actually don't watch The View (do they still make you??):
  1. Barbara Walters' overbearing ways, crotchity attitude and condescending behavior have reached all new highs (in fact, the show is much easier/less tense to watch on days Barbara isn't there and you can tell all the other ladies feel the same way). 
  2. Everyday it becomse more clear that Whoopi does not like Barbara. She used to keep her cool - but she grew a pair lately and has been lashing out in small but deliberate acts (that she'll usually back-pedal on a minute later).  
  3. Though nobody likes Elisabeth (okay well I don't) Barbara condescends her more often than anyone else.  To the watchful eye, it seems apparent that Elisabeth has had a recent "talking to" because she has toned down her "steamrolling others" and Beck/Palin/Fox mumbo jumbo.
By the way, this is what my face looked like when this shit was going down:

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Ashton Kutcher Punks TMZ Staffers In New Spoof

Ashton Kutcher put TMZ on blast today.  In a new spoof video mimicking TMZ, Ashton and crew film and discuss paparazzi-style videos of TMZ staffers, from Harvey to Max to Dax (it's funny cause it rhymes) to Charlie etc....  In the video, the various TMZ-ites have cameras pointed in their faces much to their dismay. Ashton and crew then insert rediculous commentary, voiceovers and speculation around a few seconds of video.  The original "Kramer" even makes an appearance.

Once the video was loaded, Ashton put TMZ on blast via Twitter:

The video is obviously a promotional spot for PopChips, but the intent runs much deeper than that given Ashton's own experience with the paps.  Wonder how I can get a company to sponsor my personal vendettas.. Hey Pop Chips, call me.  I had this nemesis in Kindergarten, Jamie....

Remind Me to NOT eat at your house Sir Nigel Blah-blah-ingsworthshire

According to Sify News, British men are cooking in their birthday suits:

In a study of the cooking habits of 3,000 men and women across the country-12 per cent of men said they prefer to do it in the buff, compared to just four per cent of women, reports the Daily Express.

Mental. Image. Won't. Stop. You're welcome. Have fun getting rid of that.

Sauce: http://sify.com/news/1-in-10-brit-men-like-cooking-in-nude-news-international-klqrE2bcfbb.html

I don't like cats - but Sockington's ok

Dog person here.  But I gotta say, Garfield was my shit when I was little.  I even watched BOTH Garfield movies with Breckin Meyer and Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Sockington  http://twitter.com/sockington?from_source=onebox  is the Garfield for today's jaded, cynical adult.  He makes me laugh when I'm pissed off.

Funny Sign iz phunny

P.S. is it just me or does the "my info" re-enactment look like a piece of cartoon bacon? Now I'm hungry.

sauce and copyright: Phil Jones, http://www.flickr.com/photos/phildesignart/5180196618/in/photostream/

Monday, November 15, 2010


I don't want to say my thoughts about this child out loud.

UPDATE: she was normal a year ago http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYRicWyZMdw&NR=1, what happened?  Industry?

I Guess the Change in My Pocket Wasn't Enough... Top 5 FU Covers

Like everyone else, i'm uber-sessed with Cee-Lo Green's "F U" song. So of course I spent hours forcing myself on Youtube until she spit out cover after cover for me to judge. 
The diversity and range of folks, regions and styles covering the song speaks to its universal quality. <-- Did I just say that?  Ugh, I'm such a nerd. 

By the way, this project that made me feel extra old.  Why you ask? In almost every video starring a kid, they'll say the line "I guess he's an XBOX," then pause looking confused for the next few words (should say "and I'm more Atari"). THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE WORDS ARE BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT ATARI IS.  Be right back, going to register for my AARP subscription. <P.S. I would provide links but that would mean more effort on my part. So you should look for yourself.>

Moving along, here are my Top 5 Picks of FU Covers.

I think you can understand why a group of Ivy League boys pouring their hearts out to me made the list. Plus, the a capella is on point. <--- look at me pretending to know something about music. Anyways, check out these guys doing their thing from what looks to be an eery little brick hallway somewhere in the bowels of Brown.

Something for the little teen girl in all of us.  The true angst of the song isn't quite there because, bless her, she probably hasn't truly joined the FU heartbreak club yet.  Good voice, like the song on acoustic. Panda hat is a bonus. Start at 1:44. 

Because every video should have a monkey puppet, clone band and backup dancers, a blue powder tuxedo jacket and a "Hit That" pinata t-shirt.  He managed to get a cranky, cynical insomniac to laugh at 5:30 in the morning. 

Amazing violin rendition is amazing. Because I love it when someone flips the script on us. Raise your hand if you think violin lessons are an uncool waste of time.  Eric Stanley proves you wrong bitches.  Brava.  (Put your hands down)

Great singers these days are a dime a dozen.  Joel, a young blind man who asked his friend to set up a recording,  isn't the greatest singer so don't expect a jaw-dropping vocal performance. But when I watch him bare his soul, I am inspired to do shit - try to fulfill some of my own potential (which is grossly untapped due to complacency and laziness).  Even his name is awesome  Says it all. Take it away Joel...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Amazon Takes Down Pedophile Book - Media Hasn't Noticed

It is 11:05 PM pacific time and I just checked Amazon.com again to see if they're still selling the disturbing pedophilia  how-to guide.  Looks like it has finally been taken down - when you click on the book, this is the screen that comes up:

When I do a Google News search, media outlets are still filing new stories about the disturbing e-book, but I don't see them reporting that it's finally down (with the exception of the Seattle technology blog TechFlash http://www.techflash.com/seattle/2010/11/pedophilia-book-remains-on-amazoncom.html).

Now it's time for Amazon to come forward with a real statement - we're all waiting.  So far their strategy has been straight out of the "how not to handle a PR crisis" playbook.  How do you defend the indefensible?

Sunday, November 07, 2010

The Best Blogs - 2010 Edition

Sometimes we cruise the web for a purpose - we want to socialize, we need to buy something or we need to research a term or issue.  But  many times we hop on simply becuase we're bored or need a brief escape from the day. 

Here are some of my favorite daily, weekly and monthly blogs that, in my opinion, are perfect for these situations.  The daily ones are updated most frequently while the weekly and monthly ones, though less prolific, are incredibly insightful and thought provoking. 

Enjoy and please let me know some of your favorites.  I'm always looking for new ones to add to my bookmarks!

  1. Dlisted.com: Snarky, clever, acerbic, endearing and delightful commentary on the A - Z listers making headlines, quirky happenings and the downright unbelievable!
  2. Gawker.com:  Pop culture, politics, entertainment and some New Yawk local happenings thrown in for good measure. With ears to the ground across all corners of the interwebs, the site is updated frequently by a variety of voices.  (Tip: many times the comments are just as interesting as the articles themselves).
  3. Jezebel.com: Women's lib a thing of the past? Pshaw! Every modern gal should have this site in her list of "favorites" - whether a hipster, a stay at home mom or a driven career woman.
  4. Consumerist.com: Consumerist gives the "little guy" a voice by highlighting issues that individuals have against products or big business.  The publicity many times results in a resolution.  There's also a lot of great articles on new products and tips to help us all become more informed, savvier consumers. The daily deals feature will keep you coming back!
  5. Reddit.com:    In a nutshell, Reddit is a forum where people can anonymously post up-to-the-minute information based on a variety of topics.  Real-time votes give relevance "cred" to the best content.   It's hard to describe - you simply have to see it to get it.  Warning: it's addictive!
  6. TheDailyBeast.com:  A news source with a finger on the pulse of politics and pop culture.  When you don't have time to peruse at a leisurely pace, the daily "Cheat Sheet" is a helpful snapshot that gives you an idea of everything you need to know for the day. 
  1. 2birds1blog.com: 2b1b chronicles the life of the funniest 20-something you will ever "meet."  Meghan is a real person with real problems and her penchant for getting into awkward situations is pretty remarkable.  She chronicles these happenings in a hilarious and endearing style that is simply addictive.  Her friend Chris is a great partner in crime who also contributes a number of interesting features.
  2. YouJustMadeMyList.com: When I stumbled upon YJMML, I was so happy to learn that I wasn't the only one that got annoyed by everything from trends and pop culture to regular daily occurrences. The blog combines frustration and outrage with a humorous spin that helps us all feel like we've vented!
  1. Zenhabits.net: Everyone needs to relax, de-clutter and decompress - yet these necessities are never as high on our priority lists as we need them to be.  Zen Habits has just the right ideas to get us started.  
  2. InformationIsBeautiful.net:  There's a plethora of information out there that we would all be better for understanding, but simply reviewing facts and figures does not always help.  An infographic is a visual representation of a complex set of information  or data to better help people "get it" in a simple, easily digestible way - and it's fun! Check out the fascinating info on IIB, you'll never want to see a standard chart again!
I am not going to condone celebrity gossip sites with  trashy, mindless or mean content for responsible consumption, but sometimes some people need their fix (surely not me, I certainly don't check these sites all the time, they're definitely not programmed into my iGoogle). No links - but they rhyme with Shmerez Shmilton, ShteeShemShzee, Shmadar Shmonline and Shmex Shmeventeen Shmonline.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

BOA CONSTRICTOR HAS VIRGIN BIRTH!!! (or a Boa Constrictor Lies to Her Parents)

So miss little minx boa snuck out a few months ago. To cover up her indiscretion, she lied to her parents (fake body made of pipes did the trick).  But now - whoda thunk she'd get pregnant (it wasn't the McDonald's!!).  Little miss thought fast and got away with the old "it's a miracle" defense.

Just kidding, this is a hose!

No seriously, all joking aside, a boa constrictor really did give a virgin birth to 22 little mini clones (because that's what they are when they're fatherless). And apparently this isn't the first time or the first species that's pulled this trick.

Men, watch out - one day, we may not need you at all anymore!

Go boa, go boa, go boa. Check it out: http://news.discovery.com/animals/boa-constrictor-virgin-birth.html

Um, Hi - You. Andy Cohen. Can We Twalk?

Andy Cohen (I know you're reading this right now. Let's not pretend you don't have Google Alerts on yourself. And we know the're set to "as it happens" stedda the more demure "once daily" option) Hi, what's up? Just wanted to say thanks for ruining my life with these crap mess shows.  I'm the junkie to your Colombian drug cartel. 

So tonight I caught up on some of my stories, starting with "Real Housewives of Atlanta: a Sugar Vajay Affair," folllowed by "Millionaire Matchmaker: Menopuase in Shorts Edition" and then Kathy Griffin's "Ho on Crutches."

I need to get some stuff off my chest.  Let's start with RHOA (it's an industry term):
  • Phaedra - a) thank you for ruining pickles for me for at least a week (what? I like pickies in my tuna - don't make that perverted, seriously tuna salad on wheat, get your mind out of the kindergutter).  b) Nene's right, if you're gonna be shady about a due date - be a better lawyer about it.  You should have been cross-examining those women, confusing them with bloody gloves and venn diagrams, and c) we all know that you bought the Gucci diaper bag and forced your man to present it to you at the Mother's Day dinner party.  For a girl who likes to go around reminding everyone how classy she is, that was some tacky ish.
  • Kim - stop yelling at your assistant, it's not cute.  And pay Kandi for her tracks. 
  • Nene - love you girl.  How come the most jaded of us haters all love Nene?  Cause boo keeps it real.  Stay strong mama - rock that fierce  2.nose (see what I did there?) 
  • Kandi - we need to get you a story line. Oh, and thanks to your back asswards advice, gynecologists across America will be rull busy soon.
  • She by Sheree - somethin ain't right about Tyee - but I can't put my (FINGER OH MY GOD FINGER COOKIE DOUGH MY EYES BARF BARF HAIL MARY HAIL MARY) on it.
  • New Tall Girl- I don't really know you yet, but tell your man to step off Nene. 
Ok, on to Millionaire HatchetMaker
  • I'm not even going to get to the millionaires in this episode. Snobby gay guy is too easy. And drunky  douche from Brooklyn without an original thought in his head who seeks approval and validation from his meathead friends on any move he makes INCLUDING A GIRL ON A FIRST DATE - you get a hall pass this week.
  • This is all about Patti. Because homegirl officially jumped the shark this episode. 
  • Honey, something happens when you decide to cut yourself off from the real world and surround yourself with "yes men"  that depend on you for a living. (By the by, guess what - at night as they're taking down the mohawk and uncurling their pink bangs, they talk about how much of a joke you are - or they run away and do tell alls in Star Magzine - but I digress).  Something happens when you cruelly judge women in a lineup episode after episode.   
  • Honey, you're like a bad pschology experiment gone wrong. I've seen bowls of oatmeal more self aware than you are.  I know you think you're cute and that we're chortling at those sad little match stick girls with you, but please don't get this mess twisted, we're laughing AT you.  
  • Last night was literally the straw that broke the heffer's back.  When you started telling gay guy to stop being arrogant and judgey with people and made him wear ugly makeup to see how it feels when he acts that way towards people - my Lean Cuisine microwave pizza almost cashed in its return receipt. I literally did the Heidi Montag open mouth outrage stare at the TV for 10 minutes. 
  • And girlfriend, we know you're really a sensitive salamander on the inside. Don't act like we don't remember the episode 2 seasons ago when the cougar client said your bangs were nasty. You may think you got her good chewing her out and kicking her out of your elite "Club," bit we've never seen you in bangs since. 
  • Oh, one last thing.  Somebody lied to you about those shorts.    
Finally - a quick word on Kathy's special.  I wanted to like it, I really did.  Kathy - remember like 5 specials ago when you said that Oprah got better when she gained weight?  Well I think the unforgetting hand of fate has turned the tables on you.  Oh, and 1996 Gwen Stefani wannabe called, she wants her baby tee back. Seriously what is up with your on stage outfits?  You're all class-act-lady-who-lunches everywhere you go, then suddenly 5 minutes before every show you run into  a broom closet to put on your never evolving black pants (or dickies?) schmoutfit. Sup with that?  Sup?

Oh and P.S. Andy, why can't I stop watching "Watch What Crappens?"  I think it's because I NEED  to know what new Disorano on the rocks "not a sponsor" mixed drink you're rockin every week in the "faux millionaire's study in a jersey warehouse basement" setup you got goin' there.  We cracked the code on why the shot is so tight.  Geesh Bravo spring the extra $50 at the garage sale to make the mockuparlor set more than 4' x 4'. Sometimes we need a wide shot to keep us ensconced in the make believe. You're piercing the veil of our fantasy worlds.

Mzl (that's short for Mazel Tov so it doesn't take as much space).