Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You, I Ain't Got All Day Edition

So we were considering not covering RHOBH this week because #whitegirlproblems are getting old plus Camille was only in it for like 5 seconds, but we'll push through.  Some disclaimers, this will be half assed even for me and did I mention Camille was barely in it?

• Let's start with Camille since she'll be fairly easy to get out of the way.  Dear, sweet, disillusioned Camille.  If nobody has explained this to you yet, let me try.  Kelsey's awards are not your awards, you have nothing to do with his recognition except for the fact that he earned them in spite of being dragged down by you.  Okay, now that we got that straight, remember everyone is just jealous of you and that is why bad things keep happening to you. That's it, there is no other possible solution.   
•  Moving on to Adrienne.  Wow girlfriend, I know I called it but you're really gonna take this all the way aren't you? This buffoon and princess "sitcom" you have going on.  I mean that's the only thing that explains your presumably well educated successful doctor husband playing the role of clumsy but well meaning [X CHARACTER - FILL IN THE BLANK] from every half hour situation comedy since the invention of TV?  Well, plus your shiny mylar hair extensions. Those are definitely princess-like, not tacky in the least - anyone who says so is just jealous (Camille will explain it all to you). Where does one go to get those Adrienne?  Party World? 
• Ok so we didn't have much from Kyle this week - she was more of a supporting character - as the helpful sister and confidante to Taylor. Good thing anyways since I can't seem to follow her storylines.  All I see is that long gorgeous hair with background music playing in my head.  
• Oh, Taylor - yes yes I know puppy puppy sniffles welts sad sad, but I'm not really going to get into that whole mess because it was only a means to a bigger issue: Russell the Sphincter Muscle. Tay Tay, can I call you that? No?  I never thought I'd really empathize with you, but the time has come.  For some reason I always thought that whole unaffected, pompous thing Russell had going on was all an act just to make your marriage seem interesting. Well,  you guys aren't THAT good at acting, so that just means it's all true and that really is sad.  But let me give you a really good piece of insight: meekness is not going to solve any of your problems so grow a proverbial sack and unleash on that lump of vanilla pudding.  
• That brings us to the belle of the ball - little Miss Kim.  No comment on the blind date or the brash London curmudgeon she was paired with, to each their own.  What I'd like to focus on is THAT DRESS, you know because that's just Kim being Kim, 100% Kim, because I'm Kim and that's who I am.  Since when did being Kim equate to a mix between every New Jersey Housewife and Jerseylicious broad all rolled into one? 
• Finally, there's Lisa.  Full disclosure, I'm Team Vanderpump all the way.  I know she's not in a fight, thus doesn't need a team to rally around her, but I need to be able to chant Vanderpump over and over without it being weird.  Plus I had all these jerseys made up, so there's that.  Can someone explain to me how Lisa and her husband have all this money?  All we hear about is the one restaurant.  And who is Mohammed? All I know is one second I was watching RHOBH and then all of a sudden I was in the middle of some weird Dynasty episode where the Arab sheik moved into town and built a huge castle (was that an episode? I'm totally making it up but it sounds right) and then all of a sudden I was watching some weird documentary on the History Channel (or was it Logo?) about Turkish baths. 

Ugh, sorry for this half-assed mess. To make it up to you, I leave you with images of all the fine actresses of RHOBH in their thespia-ic primes.


Lisa Vanderpump in Silk Stalkings
Some pervy show from the 90s



Kim Richards in  Tuff Turf - wtf movie was this?

And where do I get that headband?

   

Kyle Richards in some kid movie from back in the day

Week In Review

Hot links coming through.

Ok, so what happened this week.  Wellllll.......

• We (royal "we" but I like to pretend I have a media empire and I command a massive newsroom of hacks) published a lazy little recap of the Real Housewives of Atlanta (RHOA). Almost as lazy as Kim Zolciak "performing" Google Me as she leaned up against a bar stool on Watch What Happens Live (see talented artist - AKA me - rendition above).
• We tried to start a new "daily" post called Some Things You Should Know which we did for approximately one day and then when NOBODY read it we threw a stapler (ok, it was really a bag of Funyuns) across the room and vowed to chill out and take some Valerian Root because nobody understands me, I mean us.  May try again soon. Pageviews are votes people.
• We learned that most people are clueless when it comes to the social graces of Facebook.
• And speaking of Facebook, we had a revelation that cartoon characters as profile pictures doesn't make an ounce of difference to/for abused kids.
• We discovered that the strongest member of the Palin clan has nothing on the weakest member of the Kardashian clan when it comes to the almighty word of the Twitter bird.
• And finally, us execs from the top floor came down to the newsroom and hung out with the little writers late Friday knocking  back some scotch and pondering the meaning of the world (AKA hung out at home alone on a Friday night watching Comedy Central, eating microwave melted cookie dough and admiring Kevin Bacon).

Some Questions For the Universe

Why am I (on a Friday night no less):

• Watching a Ron White stand-up special on Comedy Central
• Feeling the increasing pain of those judgy pink teeth marks from my elastic waistband?  (oh yeah, I can answer that one, I may or may not have eaten 6 balls of pre-made chocolate chip cookie dough heated in the microwave for approximately 33 seconds - AKA too fat and hungry to wait for the oven)
• Loving this Kevin Bacon commercial for the Logitech Google TV thingy?

Tweet Patrol: Second String Kardashian Bests Palin by a Landslide

When you're having a bad day, here's something to make you smile (well, at least a littler more than half of you):

Rob Kardashian (younger brother to Kim, Kourtney and Khloe) has 270% more Twitter followers than Sarah Palin.

Kinda puts things in perspective no?  I mean really - who IS Rob Kardashian? 

• He gets like 3 seconds of screen time per episode of a basic cable reality show
• He never does (AKA is not invited to) press tours with his "famous" sisters
• He dated a Cheetah Girl (oh what's a Cheetah Girl you ask? just a long forgotten Disney Channel movie wherein the real star was Raven Simone and the rest of the girls were kinda just shadows in the background) 
• And oh yeah he has a widow's peak that puts Dracula to shame.  Welp, that's pretty much it.   

Perhaps the Tea Party following is not as massive as we thought?

Wake Up Ass-Facebook: Changing Your Profile Picture Does Not Stop Child Abuse

Since we're already on the subject of assFacebook, I got another bone to pick.

I abhor child abuse just as much as any sane person - but I'm sorry, how exactly is changing your profile picture to your favorite childhood character going to do a damn thing? 

Can somebody please explain this fuckery to me?  It's the ultimate in frivolous displays of philanthropy. 

Like, gee I wouldn't really get off my keester to help this cause in a meaningful way, but I guess that changing my profile pic is easy enough. Plus I used to LOVE cartoons when I was little. I am gonna have so much fun on Google images right now!! AND it's all for a good cause so I feel much better.   Thanks to my five minutes of clicking, so many children will be spared from abuse!!!!!!!!

You are welcome future generations!!

I wanna be the Snorks HA HA HA,

I'm so clever I bet everyone forgot about them.....





I wanna be Fraggle Rock LSHMSFO
(for the uninitiated:  laughing so hard my sombrero fell off)



 



Ohhhh, I wanna be Strawberry Shortcake, remember scratch n'sniff stickers?  I used to have one of her it was soooooooo good!!!! What were we talking about????



Read more from Pay Attention To, check out our "Week in Review" for all the hot posts from this week.   

Ass-Facebook: Avoid These 8 Facebook Status Faux Pas

Updates Getting Crickets?  Stop Being an Ass on Facebook!

If you're on Facebook and a sh1t ton of your friends have gone radio silent on your ass, there's a good chance you've been filtered out of their News Feeds.  Take a good hard look at your history - what are you doing wrong?  There are Eight Deadly (OK, not deadly - but adds dramatic effect amirite?) Sins when it comes to Facebook status updates. Until you get these issues under control, your social status will continue to plummet. No more time to waste, let's go:


1.  Random Mimicry

Stop already with the out of context random-ass song or movie lines.  Just becuase you're watching Billy Madison and your favorite scene has  you in fits doesn't mean you should blast out "Stop looking at me swan" to everyone you know. 

These people are not in the same headspace as you at that exact moment. Stop forcing your momentary - and I repeat, out of context - fuckery on them while they are busy working, running errands and being productive members of society. 

A better way to express yourself in this situation would be to say something like "I love it when Billy Madison is on 'stop looking at me swan' gets me everytime!"  This comment gives the reader more context and invites them to share their own connections with Billy Madison or Adam Sandler or Golf or swans etc. etc. and so on and so on.  

2.  Shame Spiral Play-By-Play

While your quarter/midlife crisis is amusing to us, it will many times cross a line that is too crass for us to handle.  

Aside from three of your frat bros, most of your general audience will find it incredibly offensive when you post an almost upskirt of some girl "at the club" or a photo of you in a tight ass Ed Hardy shirt (New Jersey residents exempt) or your new tramp stamp.

3.  Breakup Crossfire
Yes we know that breakups are hard. We've all been there, but constant 1AM updates about your new-found happiness or club galavanting is the digital equivalent of making us all stand around in a circle at a junior high boy/girl dance while you and your ex pretend to be happy with the nearest member of the opposite sex. Try to be a little less obvious.  Plus, nobody's buying it for a minute. 

4.  Political rants
Consider these unacceptable. It's okay to let us know you just voted or that you're happy that X candidate won.  Aside from that, don't get all Glenn Beck on our asses. 

We don't want to know about your conspiracy theories, or read your long rants about how much you hate the other "un-American" side (of which many of your "friends" are a part).  And we definitely don't want to be told how to vote.

5.  Desperation
Don't make desperate comments on a friend's status updates everytime said friend surfaces e.g. "thanks for never calling me back" or "you never say nice things like that to me." This is a surefire way to get blocked. 

People need their digital freedom without feeling like they owe someone anything, or being worried they'll be guilted into something.  Let people engage with you organically.  Don't force it.    

6.  Cryptic Bullsh1t
Stop crypti-venting about things that you aren't willing to divulge. For example, saying something like "he'll just never get it" is just fishing for folks to ask what's wrong. But when they actually do express concern, your clamming up is some crying wolf bullsh1t.

You can't half assedly air your dirty laundry and then zip your cake hole.  You're being obvious, you're crying out for help, but you just can't take that last step can  you?  Drive by venting is bad enough, but if you're going to do it, do it all the way. Anything in-between is super annoying.

7.  You're Bringing Me Down Man
Don't make the majority of your quotes about everything that's going wrong in your life.  Once in a while, a bad day comment is fine.  However, when your updates are an endless string of Debbie Downer-isms, it's just exhausting. 

Remember, everyone is dealing with their own bullshit, they don't want to be depressed on a daily basis with your "I'm sick again, why does this always happen to me?" and "my mother just called me an ungrateful bitch" and "I was late to work again, guess I'm gonna have to start looking for a new job soon" poor me blah blah blah. 

The rule is (because I just made it up and it sounds right), you can only do this once a fiscal quarter when you really have a bad day so choose your subject matter wisely.

8.  I Ain't Buying What You're Selling
Unless you're a business or public figure, your Facebook friends are not marketing targets.  Yes I know you're a stage actor, but please stop bombarding me with invites to your lame plays every weekend. I haven't even seen you since the third grade! Try to target JUST the friends you think might care. Sweeping ad/invite bombs will definitely get you de-listed.

---------------------------------------------------------
Oh, and by the way,  I'm not talking down to you. I once was a multiple offender myself - which is how I detected these deadly sins.  I'm simply suggesting that you might want to pull your head out of your ass and learn the meaning of "self awareness" (you know, like that scary-ass spider training to take over the world).

Anyhoo, there's good news - it's all very easily remedied (AKA stop it).  Now hurry up and go de-douchify.

12/1 - Some Things You Should Know

Here at Pay Attention To, or "PAT" (ambiguously sexy), we like to play around with new features, some turn into regulars and others we abandon like the hidden cupcake wrappers at the bottom of the trash screaming our shame.

Here's our first STYSK - a segment that tells you everything you need to know about the day - without having to do the rifling through the dirty interwebs yourselves:

• Bling Ring cog and former E! reality person (I can't say "star," sorry I just can't) Alexis Neiers has been arrested for alleged black tar heroin possession (see full story at LATimes)
• Chelsea Handler was on Jay Leno last night and had fun perpetuating unprompted f*ckery about herself and a certain half dollar rapper (see full episode at Hulu for limted time)
• Senate passed a new Food Safety Bill so that our bagged spinach doesn't try to kill us anymore (see full story at FitPerez yeah I coulda sourced some realer sh1t, but maybe this -sic- could actually make people care about their health) but what about all the nasty hormones and pesticides? I guess they can stay.
• Britney Spears' ex-husband Jason Alexander alleges (to Star Magazine, a periodical my mother purchases strictly for the crosswords - she swears) that Britney Spears told him her boyfriend beats her. The full story is at RadarOnline.
• I don't really know the full details about this mess because I refuse to read past the sub-head,  but something about Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband trying to expose some tape of her showing her privates in Cuba?  Man exes getting all types of bold today. Full story at RadarOnline.
• Senate Republicans tell the President they're taking their ball and going home if the Bush tax cuts don't stay (see story at Gawker).
• Google is close to launching an ebook store, adding to the growing list of behemoths (a la Amazon and Apple) getting in on the book game.  Do these people think Americans actually read? Read more via Consumerist.
• A bunch of self importants are going social media silent in the name of a good cause (World AIDS Day).  How much for them to never log on again?  See PSA on YouTube.
• Remember those ugly Teva sandals from the 90s? Remember how you wanted to scream in the faces of the dorks who wore them with socks? Well they're back. WITH HEELS. WTF WTF life as we know it is crumbling faster than you can say "curse of the Reefs and Birkenstocks, a new monster is born, it's multiplying, RUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN." More at the Daily What.

Here's a bonus, "Daily Throwback."  Remember when Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck had it out on The View in 07? (AKA the sh1t I live for) well I just spent all morning on YouTube rewatching Alicia Silverstone snub Elisabeth later on in that episode. Never gets old.

Real Housewives of Atlanta - I'm Getting Lazy

So, I'm getting lazy, it's Tuesday evening and I'm just now getting to addressing RHOA.  It didn't move me enough to get off my a$$ and do a character by character recap in real-time.  I'll shoot for this on Thursday with RHOBH. 

Ok so I don't really know what was up with the 1:15 minute episode this past Sunday.  It's not like it was so action-packed they couldn't shave a bunch off (AKA every single Cynthia segment - bore bore snore snore) and we would've walked away with the same picture in our heads. A bit underwhelming.  Here's my half ass attempt at pretending I cared about any of this week's mess:

• I'm not even going to lie and say that I watched the Cynthia scenes. I fast forward'd through them, no time to waste on these wet noodles.  Though I will say, in my FF frenzy, it looked like they had some sort of mixed bag entourage with them - who were these fools?  Didn't really care enough to invest.
• Another disappointment, nothing interesting enough on the Kim front - except her amazing awesome outfit when she went purity ring shopping with her offspring. I present you the latest in classy fashion:

Photo (c) Bravo

• Ugh sorry that's a crappy pic (all I could find) that makes it look like she was wearing an             innocent little maxi dress.  You gotta take my word (which isn't worth much, sorry) there was a ton of side boobage and striperella strappy bikini back action going on.  Moving on, who else is getting sick of this Kim/Kandi cold war of words over Tardy for the Party  money? You can't stretch this non story over 8 episodes and not have anything new to share. 
•  Ok, so on to Kandi.  Can we please get off this Kandi Koated Nights nonsense?  Really, does anyone watch this cracker jack operation?  I just went over to the KKN to see if I can get a viewer count, but that thing is held together with masking tape, almost froze my computer so I had to bolt.  Kandi - stop talking about vaginas 24/7 it's like vajayjay this and coochie that.  Ugh yes we get it you are a "freak" go to Craigslist and don't drag us in the middle of things we can't unhear. 
•  I'm not going to waste too much time on Phaedra today since she's usually the centerpiece of these recaps (and she was only on for like 30 seconds).  Anyone else feel like her husband has a side piece?  There's a sort of I'm a subservient kept man who will get the last laugh glimmer in his eye dontcha think? And why did they get home from the hospital and get all comfy before going back to the car for the baby?
• This brings me to Nene. I am convinced that Nene thinks there's a reality show category at the Oscars.  First with the Melanie Griffith Working Girl storyline last week and now this week with the Kramer v. Kramer slash War of the Roses drama with Gregg.  That was some good stuff Nene, I have a feeling Andy Cohen will pull some strings and get the Bravo folks to cough up a fake Oscar and awards ceremony 2 episode special....
• Saving the best for last - award for keeping my attention longest this week went to Sheree and Dr. Tyee (of pervy finger-licking and sandal wearing, super serious, important, for real online degree fame).  The lunchtime showdown between these two is the stuff I liver for.  Tyee is the shadiest of the shady, he oozes "I'm lying" from every pore of his body.  My favorite part of course, was the end when he pulled his paper proof (AKA fake University of Phonix diploma written with a Sharpie in his car 5 minutes before the date) that he has a PhD but refused to show it to her unless she'd prove to him that she was really a woman. But how sad was I when he walked off into the sunset? Bravo, find a way to get him back in stat (or get some more Dwight scenes to fill this void).

For more Housewives/Bravo commentary,  check out Andy Cohen, Can We Twalk, RHOA 11/23 Check You and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You.

Week In Review

This Week We:

• Got In On The Jerseylicious Action
• Sounded Off On Kanye West
• Got Creeped Out By Awarachnid
• Woke Up And Realized Something Very Important About Guy Fieri
• Checked The Real Housewives of Atlanta
• Introduced You To Some Mad Microsoft Paint Skills

Have a hap-crappy weekend.

Jerseylicious - My Photograph of the Tracy/Olivia Incident

Forgot to tell you that I actually witnessed the now infamous Tracy/Olivia fight in front of the Sonic on the highway in Central Jersey.  Here's the picture I took:

Ahh makes me miss the days of yore when I would get into fights at strip malls over greasy orange juiceheads.  Wait, everyone does that right?