Dear Charlie (and Charlie's People):
We have now watched two full episodes of the Charlie Sheen web show - Sheen's Korner - and we gotta say, Charlie you're on the right track of improvements with your second installment, cleverly entitled "Torpedoes of Truth." Senor Sheen, we commend you for indulging our voyeuristic nature by allowing us to watch you partake in a real time phone call with your advisor. We like seeing "backstage" happenings that we're not "supposed to see"
Taking it a step further, we'd like to offer up some free tips on how to continue to ride this wave. The value of our advice far outweighs anything you'll get from a bunch of phony marketers or Internet experts. Why? A) because in a past life, we've seen the pitches sold for thousands, and they've all failed and B) Because these days, we're losers who sit around watch reality TV and read celebrity gossip blogs all day long.
We know exactly what works with people like us, and trust- there's a lot of us a-holes out there. P.S. we heard Howard Stern's advice this morning of 15 things you could have done better and we gotta say, while we agree with a couple ,many of our ideas go in a different direction. Howard wants you to ride the theme of porn, and while a specific demo of male viewers would welcome it, you're not going to capture mainstream America's hearts with that type of content. In fact, you'll probably get shut out real quick.
So what do we have in mind? Here's our free advice (but there's more where this came from, so give us a shout at firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to hear more):
- More phone conversations with people, we love this - A+. Has Rachel called you from Fort Wayne? We want to see that.
- We 100% co-sign Howard Stern's suggestion that you should give us a tour of your house. We want to know more about your everyday life, and this is a huge part of it. Plus, dude, you live in the Mulholland Estates, with the likes of Adrienne Maloof and Lisa Vanderpump. We're dying to see more of this. We want to see rooms, backyard, kitchen, even the street out front. Anything.
- We want to see what you eat. Don't ask us to explain it, but people are obsessed with food. When celebs tweet pics of their plates, we're all over it. When paps catch photos of celebs eating, we can't get enough. Show us your lunch - that's a whole episode right there. Show us the inside of your refrigerator. Have a 5 minute Q&A with your chef where you ask him to explain to the camera the types of food you like and dislike. Ask him/her to tells us what your oddest food has been.
- Have a conversation with someone where you're the one asking them questions. It would be nice to switch things up once or twice and have the focus be less on a monologue (which we love, don't get us wrong) and more on you semi-interviewing someone else. For example, ask Natty Napalm what she did that day and respond to her response. Do you want more female viewers? Ask her what her favorite beauty products are/what her beauty regimen is. Women go ape sh1t for this stuff, trust us. You won't believe it but it's true. Another example, have a conversation with your maid. It humanizes you and will make America fall in love with you. This may sound inane, but Google "Jeff Lewis" and "Zoila" and you'll understand.
- Show us your closet. Take your little Flip camera, walk over to your closet, open it and let us take it all in. Then pull out some of your favorite pieces of clothing and tell us what you love about them. If there is anything there with some sentimental value, tell us the story behind it.