Kanye West Rant #3,008 - This Is All I Heard

Just What We Need - A Self-Aware Spider

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife (too played out? I'm keeping it), it is officially the beginning of the end of the world.  Global warming, bedbugs, wars, swine flu etc etc and now a new feature to add to the foreshadowing of the apocalypse:

A self-aware spider.



This fool knows too much.  He (or she) has a presence, a personality.  Maybe he's just getting ready for his debut when the arachnids rule the world.

Brb, Googling "how to build a bomb shelter."

Your Guy Fieri Bashing Is Getting In the Way of My Food Porn

I never used to mind Guy Fieri. He was a means to an end.  The end being "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" the ultimate in food porn.

I'd watch this show for hours - especially when on a diet.  Living vicariously through a bunch  of porkers made me feel full.  All I could see through my tunnel vision was the greasy, delicious food, the people making it, the people eating it. 

Once in a while I'd notice the white haired "old guy at the club frat guy" hanging around,  but he was barely on my radar.  Then, like a quiet underwater swell Guy Fieri hatred began to build until it the shores like a massive tsunami.  These days, it's everywhere. People bash the guy any chance they get, on SNL, Time Magazine, the blogosphere - even fellow chef Anthony Bourdain is in on the action.

I've had no choice but to notice his douchiness and NOW I CAN'T ENJOY MY FOOD PORN.  All I see is Guy being a douche, Guy making sure diner owners know he's a "real chef,"  Guy "jokingly" judging their cooking methods. Then there's the 90s catch phrases, the creepy uncle factor, the sweat bands and backward sunglasses, and OH MY GAWD the goatee.  It all screams at my senses louder than a thousand car alarms and Vegas neon signs combined.

I can't do it anymore.  "Triple D" (a kicky catch phrase a la Guy) is ruined forever. I've been reduced to watching "Throwdown With Bobby Flay"  but it's hard to see through all the smug.

Real Houswevies of Atlanta (RHOA) Rundown - Check You

G-O-O-G-L-E Me... (no seriously, I need some search engine optimization for real up in here).

Season 3, Episode 8.  Ladies, I'm gonna have to check you.  Let's get to it...

Phaedra: 

• Please tell me this "lawyer" did not just say that the lady fingers are filled with "barbarian cream" what in the, WHAT?
• Phaedra, we aren't stupid.  In the early scenes, we know that you told your doctor and your husband to go along with this whole "36 weeks but full term" nonsense on camera because you're hiding a deep, dark soap opera secret about that baby.
• Admitting Nurse: "how many weeks are you?" Phaedra: "I don't know" hmmmm.......
• OOHHH!!! 28 min in and the doctor finally sells Phaedra out!!! "You're at 40 weeks" mmm hmmmmm. He couldn't lose sleep over these lies anymore (or he couldn't keep track)
• Favorite Phaedra quote (aside from barbarian cream): "The first time I looked at him, he just looked Chinese to me"

Kandi:

• 30 min. in and I still don't have anything interesting to write about Kandi yet. She's kind of like the glue that holds the storylines together but that's about it.

Nene:

• I love that Nene put on her best "Working Girl" Melanie Griffith shoulder-padded blazer and marched down to the local TV station to get herself a job.  Go on with your independent woman self Nene.
• Nene has celebrities on speed dial, just in case you didn't know. 
• Once you piss off Michael Lohan, you're pretty much black-balled. Guess Nene doesn't know that yet. 

Kim:

• Out of what gutter did you pick up that orange wig you dusted off and gave to Kandi???
• Just fyi, a high school biology class does not constitute a nursing degree
• Kim, why did your "can I smoke in the car?" (Kandi: "no") "then I ain't coming" make me laugh so hard I near fell off the couch? Kim is so relaxed but in your face about everything. My brain doesn't know how to make sense of it.

Sheree:

• Look at Sheree  talking up Tyee (of finger licking Tyee fame) because her ex-husband is in ear shot.  Obvious, but entertaining.
• Finally, 40 minutes in, Tyee shows up!! happy dance. Wait, what's up with his sandals? I mean, the fact that he's wearing sandals - with a blazer and trousers.
• Okay, is it just me or did you kinda feel bad for the feller as the entire group grilled him about this "Dr." nonsense. 
• BRB, going to get my online doctor certification at the Eastern Southern Illinois College.
• UPDATE: Forgot to mention I just read that damn Aston Martin Sheree flaunted up and down the streets this episode has already been repossessed. SMH

Closing thoughts:
Okay guys, I'm a Dr. now! Phew, it was a hard 7 minutes, but I persevered.  Just printed out my diploma and everything. 

• Favorite quote from upcoming scenes
• Dr Tyee (to Sheree): "prove that you're a woman"
• Lisa: I see what you did there. Your name isn't bolded here, but it sure looks like you're trying hard to get back into that status.....  

 For more Housewives/Bravo commentary, check out Andy Cohen, Can We Twalk and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You.

Who's Ready for Some Real Houswives of Atlanta Tonight?

I have to watch

Check Out Some Mad Microsoft Paint Skills

at http://mymspaintart.tumblr.com/

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You

Alright women, time to Check You.  I was a little late tuning in to this week's episode. I wanted to wait until I had a chance to really settle in and savor it.

Let's get to it:

Yeah, this is really Taylor back in the day.

Yowza. She looked like the mom
from Growing Pains!!

Taylor Armstrong:  What exactly happens when someone gets "Oklahoma" on our asses? Do you just make it really  dusty all around?  I gotta say, Taylor hasn't earned our respect or the credibility to be going around talking like she's tough. We've all seen this subservient, fake damsel around her husband enough times to know that she doesn't have a spine.  Her outburst at Kim was an obvious ploy to get some camera time because she doesn't have a story line.  We don't really care honey.  If you want us to invest in you, you're going to have to start airing out all the real dirty laundry from your marriage.  Something obviously ain't right there.  Until then, just be quiet and know your role. 

Kim Richards: Does anyone else feel protective over Kim?  I mean, yes she's (allegedly) dumb as a box of rocks, and yes her blank gaze cuts right through to your soul but her vulerability makes you feel bad for her and just want to hug  her and shield her from the realities of the adult world. 

Adrienne Maloof:  Is it just me or does Adrienne seem like she has an accent? I can't place it but I Wikipedia'd her ass (you know, the word of god) and it said her and the rest of the Maloofs are originally from New Mexico, so there goes that theory.  Other than that, Adrienne is like the boring sorority mom who all the sisters visit to spill catty fight details so she can "call it."  I know her and her husband are trying to drum up some sort of comedic marriage storyline between the two of them, but it's just falling flat.  He comes off as a dumb goon - and I don't know if that's the best reputation for a top Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.  Otherwise, she's good people. amirite?

Lisa Vanderpump: How does one not love Lisa?  I just want her to coo a lullabby in my ear as I fall asleep.  Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa Vanderpump.  I can just say her name all day long.  I love the episodes when @GiggythePom makes an appearance too.  Poor little buddy was getting manhandled like a rag doll out in the backyard (with his little - matching with hubby - lavendar polo shirt).  Is that critter alive?  If you told me he was stuffed, I'd believe you in a New York minute. 

Kyle Richards: Whenever it's a Kyle segment, I try to concentrate on the scene, but all I see is her hair flowing. In slow motion. That's it.  I know there was fighting with Camille and her sister, and some sort of shopping scene, but it's all a blur.  She shouldn't waste her time doing anything on camera but putting her hair up and then slowly taking it down, and then clipping it back up. And then her husband can come and hold their little baby with his bicep flexed. Boom, a whole show right there.

Camille Grammer: Ok - I have so man (<-- typo but I'm keeping it for obvious reasons) thoughts about Camille this episode, but it's all swirling around in my head trying to get out at the same time in an incoherent mess. Let me try some bullets to break it down:

• Her "friends" that swoon over her and tell her how "jealous" everyone is of her.  I think she pays them. Well obviously the hair and makeup folk, but the married couple, what's up with that weird relationship? I think it's all staged and Camille is really "hittin" that dude, and deep down inside, he really doesn't like her either.  He's just trying to get camera time because he wants to be an actor.
• Camille in Kelsey's dressing room as he tries to repeatedly kick her out and she still lingers.  I felt so uncomfortable watching this scene. You know his mistress was hiding behind some curtain right before Camille ambushed him with the cameras. AWWWWKKKKKWWWWARRRRRD. It's so apparent that Kelsey can't stand his wife- brilliant move on his part convincing her to do this show so that we'd all know just how rotten she is right as he files for divorce.   Genius plan, he is a puppet master.
• Camille reading "The Art of War." Yes Camille you are sooooo smart. Wow and you're preparing for battle like a true soldier. Brava. Brava.  Oh and yes, your vocabulary is off the charts, and when you say pernicious over and over it makes you THAT much smarter. 
• We ALL wish we could be you, we are SOOO JEALOUS that we don't have four nannies, a house manager, bought friends, a husband who hates us, kids who have no idea who we are etc. etc. and so on.  Ok, I may be jealous of your Club MTV stint, you got me there Camille. 

 For more Housewives/Bravo commentary, check out Andy Cohen, Can We Twalk.

Week In Review

• Ladies of "The View" - The Cold War Continues Is it just me or does someting gotta give here?  My prediction is that sometime in 2011 either Whoopi will leave or Barbara will retire. 
• Ashton Kutcher Punks TMZ Staffers We cared for like a second, 'till we realized it was a glorified PopChips commercial. 
• Top Five Cee-Lo Green "Forget You" (F*ck You) Covers I did all the hard work researching YouTube just for you. Here's the best of the best.
• British Men Cook Naked Stuff splatters dudes.  And be careful with the flambe!!!
• Sockington: Twitter's Garfield Universal truths: 1) animals behaving like humans is never not funny 2) Married With Children is always on TV (#2 has nothing to do with the post, but amirite???? it's 5:50 in the morning, I flipped on the TV to test my theory AND IT'S ON RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!)
• Funny Sign I think I'm turning into an ironic hipster
• Pretentious has no age limits smug children are on the rise and there is no known cure. Well, there is one known cure: a reasonable rational society. <laughs> so really, no cure.

Remember: When Life Gives You DoucheBags, Clean Your Junk

Who Else Does This?

• Watch 90s sitcom reruns on TBS (extra points if you Tivo them)
• Use Google images to self diagnose medical ailments 
• Trust Wikipedia as the word of God

I thought this post was going to be longer, but I realized I can't be bothered to muster cleverness energy.  I got nothin.

I think I'm in a bad, unproductive mood b/c The View was boring today. No Elisabeth either.  Makes me long for The View: Whoopi and Barbara Tense-mageddon 2010.  Maybe more drama Monday? (Since you know pre-taped Friday will be flaccid per the uzhe).

Payce

The View: the Cold War Continues (AKA More Passive Aggressive Feuding With Barbara)

I am a religious "viewer" of The View -  it's like the highlight of my day.  Not because I particularly like any of the ladies, (though I do agree with one or two of them on the reg).  The main reason I love the show is because you never know when baby Jesus will descend from the heavens and hand over a certified loonza toonza miracle moment.  Now it used to be that these moments happened maybe once a month.  But these days, it's like once, sometimes twice a week.  Basically whenever Barbara decides to show up.  

Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with today's gem.

 

(For the impatient, skip to :28). In a shell nut, Barbara and Whoopi go at it as Whoopi tries to obey production instructions (via ear chip) to cut to break.  Barbara snaps at Whoop that she wants to finish her thought.  Now, you can't tell what happens next but it appear that Whoopi may have rolled her eyes at Barbara before telling her she needs to cut to break.  Then Barbara (don't let the victim act fool you!!!!),  passive aggressively chastises Whoopi and proceeds with her part.

I'm so sad because the clip doesn't show the last few seconds.  Because that's when the lord baby Jesus plucked a cherry and stuck it on top for me to gorge upon.  Elisabeth (mind you, who has been uncharacteristically quiet the entire episode - I presume because of my theory *see #3 below*) subtly speaks to Whoopi with her eyes.  It's not immediately apparent to the untrained rookie (good thing you have the benefit of my intuitive guidance) but they have a "damn, this bitch is crazy" moment among themseleves.  I live for this shit - don't we all? No? Just me? Be right back, I'm being summoned for my intervention.

Some background for people who actually don't watch The View (do they still make you??):

1. Barbara Walters' overbearing ways, crotchity attitude and condescending behavior have reached all new highs (in fact, the show is much easier/less tense to watch on days Barbara isn't there and you can tell all the other ladies feel the same way). 
2. Everyday it becomse more clear that Whoopi does not like Barbara. She used to keep her cool - but she grew a pair lately and has been lashing out in small but deliberate acts (that she'll usually back-pedal on a minute later).  
3. Though nobody likes Elisabeth (okay well I don't) Barbara condescends her more often than anyone else.  To the watchful eye, it seems apparent that Elisabeth has had a recent "talking to" because she has toned down her "steamrolling others" and Beck/Palin/Fox mumbo jumbo.

By the way, this is what my face looked like when this shit was going down: