Friday, February 03, 2012

Jersey Shore Judgements: The Emancipation of Snooki......'s Bladder

These are raw, unedited judgements I wrote down in sequence as I watched the show - Season 5 Episode 5:  

  • How can we get Deena to stop "merp"ing? (My dog stops yelping if I give him cheese, so there's that)
  • Is Mayor Roger doing the "dip" on JWOWW again?
  • This was all of our faces when The Situation dropped the loyalty and betrayal tattoo bomb right?
  • I feel the sads when I see the gang at Karma this time around.  I think it's because they didn't cut to a :05 shot of Sammi brawling on the floor.
  • Why is Snooki calling a hooker's bath a "Shore shower?" Oh, never mind. 
  • You know what?  I think we're all one of two things after the club:  a Deena eating Hot Pockets or a Vinny doing Push Ups.  Which on are you? I'm a Hot Pocket.
  • After four seasons of Ronnie and Sammi drama, I have Stockholm syndrome.  So now I feel betrayed that they are glossing over these two - ON PURPOSE
  • Why is Snooki sleeping in her shoes?  
  • What's the picture below, you ask? Oh, just Snooki being Snooki (AKA throwing away her drawers because she pee'd herself in the club the night before. AND THEN SHE SLEPT IN THEM ALL NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEFORE THROWING THEM AWAY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  • It's a little sad when Deena's only running story line is "hair problems" 
  • Miikee?  Mike? Miiiiiiiiiiiiike? What are you up to? What are you up to?
  • Ohhhhhhh, so "Janx" is "Jenkinson's?" Mystery solved.
  • Mike: "I'm actually like a native to this area." How far is Janx from the Shore?  Is this like a Scooby Doo alternate universe to the gang?
  • Snooki has fully transformed into the family pet - piddling on the deck outside.  Bad Snooki! bad!

  • Serious question: Why were the scrambling Situation's pubic area when he was wearing shorts?
  • Never mind, thank you JWOWW for solving the mystery.  Follow up question - why were Snooki and Deena acting all normal while Mike's "situation" was hanging out of his shorts?
  • Hold up, wait a minute - what is this country cottage, shabby chic, Laura Ashley sitting area Mike and Snooki just landed in? Is this part  of the Scooby Doo alternate universe at the house?
  • Why are all those sneakers always lined up in rows in the living room?
  • What the?
  • Ok, so Snooki ACTUALLY IS the family pet now - not just metaphorically speaking.  Interesting. Did Kafka write this episode?

  • How excited is Mike to tell JWOWW he saw Mayor Roger? He loves being an information trafficker.  
  • What was that weird gyrating dance Mike was doing at the end when he was talking to Unit?  Hmmmmmmmm.

  • Wait, how is it that Mike loves Snooki and they're BFF and all of a sudden he says she's the ringleader against him?  Oh, I think I know - MTV Production had a chat with him.  I see what you did there MTV.
  • In conclusion, who saw Snooki and JWOWW on BravoAndy Cohen's Watch What Happens Live?  Was JWOWW's face even more plasticized?  It wasn't moving right or something.  But I really want to like her - she's pretty, she just needs to stop messing with what she got, ya heard?

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