Christmas Sucks

Bah Humbug

Am I Really Watching Glenn Beck Dressed Up As Santa Right Now?

Flipping channels, stumble on Fox News and 'ol GB is on stage talkin bout how elves are slaves and Santa, when you rearrange the letters, spells..... wait for it........ Obama. 

I see what you did there Glenn. 

P.S. now he's on stage in footie pajamas talking about Christmases past. 

Is this seriously on a news channel right now? I feel like I'm on crazy pills. 

Second Official Cannon King Fan Club Meeting

So, we already told you about the phenomenon who exploded on the scene yesterday, Cannon King (see Cannon King of the Universe, Fan Club launch post for background)

New developments emerging - Cannon has a Twitter account! And it's real!

Nevermind that he hasn't updated it since he was 9 (AKA last year).  The little hammy hambone is just precious in his updates about the Dodgers, his dog Biscuit, and his travels. 

Inside info re: Cannon's illustrious footbal career on Larry's personal twitter page: http://twitter.com/ShawnKingsHubby

Launch of Official Cannon King (son of Larry King) Fan Club - I'm President Bitches (first!!)

Starting an official fan club for Cannon King, youngest son of Larry King.  Where's he been all our lives? 

If you missed it, Cannon did some hilarious "spot-on" impressions of his dad on the Larry King Live farewell show last night. This little goldmine is the Chuy to Larry's Chelsea.  If Larry brought him out a little sooner, this "retirement," may not be happening.  

And I bet Bill Clinton  loves him too, if it weren't for little Cannon, the "zipper club" gaffe would be making all the headlines today instead of this adorable clip.  Ugh, why me? My lo-tech ass I can't get the dang video to embed, so hop on over to Jezebel to watch http://jezebel.com/5714555/larry-kings-kid-does-a-spot+on-impersonation-of-dad

To close out this post, here's a photo of Cannon juding you in his Ed Hardy t-shirt.

Photo via JustJared.com

About the shirt, what's your theory?

a) Cannon is a fan of Jersey shore
b) Cannon is a hipster ahead of his time, understands the fun of ironic t-shirt displays
c) the King family still thinks Ed Hardy is cool
d)  Cannon was cold that day and Larry grabbed an event gift bag throwaway from the trunk of the car

My money is on C.  Think I've seen some shots of Larry sportin' the EH round town.

Just Cuz Fridays - Ross Geller Edition

12/16 (Kinda) Live-Blogging Real Housewives of Beverly Hills



Today's post brought to you by Mauricio
Umansky-Richards and Giggy Vanderpump 
Source: Wetpaint.com

For the first time ever at PAT,  we are (almost) live-blogging RHOBH! (westsiyeeeeed time zone - in honor of Giggy Vanderpump's 'hood).  The almost is because I needed some time for the Tivo to do it's job - I don't fancy dealing with bloody adver-tizments (did you just say that in Lisa's perfectly proper English accent like I did in my head? No? Me neither). 

Before we get started, how excited are we that tonight's episode is the much anticipated Malibu Barbie Pizza Massacre 2010 (AKA dinner party at Camille's)? 

AND
how waaaaay excited are we that Kyle Richards is going to be on Watch What Happens Live tonight?  They better not let Denise (Richards, the other guest) get too much shine, we don't have time for her (Attention Andy Cohen: stick her in the online aftershow).

OK so heeeere we go.....

:00 Opening Credits
Why does Kyle playing with her coif in front of the mirror give me goosebumps and make the hair on the back of my neck stand at attention? 

:01
Woo hoo Lisa and Giggy in the first segment! Prayers have been answered! BTW, who else thinks that Ken's hair can use some conditioner? And maybe a little de-mulletizing?  But it's hard to be mad at him when he's so gentle, carrying our precious Gigz around. No matching shirts today, boo.

:02
Camille and Taylor, these two again, ugh. Camille talks about her daugher like she's an acquaintance. "I think she's 8 now, she's at school a lot."  Bitch, she's not your second cousin twice removed.

Woo hoo, first mention of impending "dinner party."  Camille learned a new phrase from her "self help book" (AKA the Garfield phrase-a-day calendar): cautiously optimistic.  Do you think she knows what it means? Ha ha just kidding.

So basically, I've cracked Camille's decpetive, clever, near-indecipherable code.  This dinner party is a ruse wherein Camille will invite her angry drunk "Medium" friend, ply her with alcohol and shove her Kyle's way to really let her have it.  Why do I feel like this was hatched from the play book of a one Mr. Wile E. Coyote?  Listen Camille, Kyle is no ordinary Roadrunner.  She's a Hilton once removed - they do unscathed in their sleep.  You don't stand a chance. <PREDICTION> <UPDATE: PREDICTION CORRECT!>




:04
Oy, it's Glitter Hair and the Goof (AKA multicamera sitcom featuring Adrienne and Paul).  Seriously, who else has noticed they only play the "comedy" music track for these two (you know, the same music that follows Real Housewives of Orange County's Lynn Curtin around)? Bravo's in on it too.  Are they pandering for their own  Brav-omedy or something?

Anyways - does anyone find the "best BH rhinoplasty surgeon in the world with a broken nose" storyline a little suspect/planted/bullshit/hackneyed? 
:08
Leave it up to Camille to not know the difference between a live person and an answering machine. She had to call Vandypump like 5 times before she figured it out. We know she's a "waits to talk" vs. listener, but this is ridiculous.  P.S. Vandy, pretending you're actually picking up the phone in your greeting is so '80s.  I did that shit on my hamburger compact phone (which sat on a white lucite night stand that also had a metallic mint green blow up palm tree and a hamster cage which - for a fleeting fortnight - housed a gorgeous white/beige specimen - but that's a story for another day).

I love how Camille  mumbled to Kyle "look nice" under her breath.  I see what you did there Camille.

:15
Lisa  + Giggy + autographed Laboutins. Is this woman's life for real?  Because if I read about her in a book I wouldn't buy it.  P.S. I think Giggy has a quaalude habit (somehow, Cedric has to be involved).




:15
Geeyah, Kyle playing with her hair, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to pay attention to this. 

Stop the presses, incoming: Kyle's plus one is Faye Resnick?!?!?!?!?! The OJ trial rag tag cast of characters has officially infiltrated RHOBH.  First Kato Kaelin at Taylor's casino engagement last week and now this????

:16
In fifteen seconds, Camille was able to name drop her dress label (Chloe) and let us know that she collects lingerie "like candy." Impressive.  Sidenote: her closet really is a mess- doesn't she have a staff of like 50 people?  Too lazy to even boss other pepole around Mealy?

:18
Um, here's why I'm falling behind, because when I saw Adrienne walk out to the limo in her black lace tights (BLACK LACE TIGHTS!!! AND NOT IN AN IRONIC AMERICAN APPAREL KIND OF WAY!!! SORRY I'LL STOP YELLING NOW) and lazy Dynasty getup, I literally paused the TV and drank it all in for a good 10 minutes.

Of course Lisa is flawless per the usual, but why is Ken holding three Giggys now? Is Giggy code for  Gizmo (for the millennials: that's a Gremlins reference, Google it)? You feed him quaaludes after midnight and he multiplies???

:19
First shot of Faye Resnick!!!! That's all.

:20
Uh oh, Medium friend Allison looks like she's already on her third bottle of Boones (in a glass the size of a fish bowl) before the party even starts as Camille gives her the "drink up" eyes.  She's already practicing her Kyle put downs!!!  Dun dun dun. And scene.

:21
Pizza oven's fired up!!  Please enjoy this brief intermission.  I need to see a man about a horse.

Ok I'm back.  Wow, Medium Allison's up down "I'm judging you" look when the ladies walk in is priceless.

Um, how many times are they gonna tell us that she's the Medium?  "Patricia Arquette plays her!! That's her!"   Not really that impressive, Camille's paid friend Dodo/Deidre/Doo Doo whatever your name is, we don't have time for you!  Chillax, take a 'lude (Giggy has a guy).

:22
Kyle enters the drafty, echo-y soul-less Malibu mansion!!!  Kyle get out while you can!! It's a trap!!

I love all the kiss kiss greetings at the beginning of a party when everything is still fake and proper pre-meltdown.  Just wait my precious, the magic margarita slash soup bowl elixir works beneath the surface.  P.S. the Bronte-esque foreboding in the tense, non-verbal greeting between Faye and Camille was a nice touch.  

:24
Camille bestows the title "guests of honor" upon Allison and "Double D" presents them with the primo seating. Meanwhile, she's herding the rest of the ladies to the trough like a bunch of cattle.  A nice move from her Teach 'em Who's Boss self-help book.  I'm surprised her chair isn't two feet higher than everyone else's (when you look down at 'em, it gives 'em an inferiority complex - Teach 'em Who's Boss!!!!)

Uh oh, Allison's startin' to show her crazy eyes (and mouth).

:27
Allison gettin' crazier by the second, I like where this is headed.

BTW, there's no way that Allison and D.D. aren't on Camille's payroll (along with married actor dude).  They work on commission - each compliment gets them $100, and each sly back-handed complimentputdown directed at the other women gets them $250. 

:28
Camille: "who is Faye? Oh yea, I saw her naked in Playboy" "I loved your spread, literally." Predictable Camille, you're grasping. Step up your game.  P.S. everytime Camille thinks she says something smart in her confessional, she smirks and says "but um......"  Note to self: this would make a good drinking game. Oh, and apparently Faye is "morally corrupt."  Hi pot, meet kettle.

Thank the lord Kyle the fact checker was there w/her laptop to quickly point out that Camille did Playboy too.  Camille's counterpoint: "I did the lingerie supplement, not naked."  Ohhhh thanks for clearing that up for us Camille. In that case, you're still super classy.

:30
Uh oh, they're playing the whimsical comedy track, that can only mean that Adrienne (what kind of zany character will she run into next?!?) the sitcom star has a funny/awkward (fawkward?) interaction with crazy eyes party guest, Medium Allison.  I can't wait for the chuckles to ensue!!!!! I think the name of this episode is "Allison DuBois and the electronic cigarette."

BTW update: of course I Googled Allison's "Oprah" appearance she managed to mention. Here it is http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/A-Call-from-Beyond/6 with a screenshot for the lazy:


No comment.

:34
Finally, the Kyle/Allison duel Camille's been planning for weeks is getting started. 

BRB popping popcorn - talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a topic: Is Adrienne's husband hiding in a cheerleader costume due to a hilarious Three's Company-esque misunderstanding? Discuss.

K. I'm back.

KYLE, DO YOU REALLY WANNA GO THERE???? DO YOU REALLLY WANNA GO THERE? THEY ALL SAY IN UNISON.

Ironic foreshadowing of the day part 2,  Camille: "If someone's been cheating, she'll (Medium Allison) know."

Finally, Allison pounces "He (Mauricio) will never emotionally fulfill you... never... know that."  How dare she besmirch Mauricio!!! Girlfriend's got her Kelsey/Mauricio wires crossed. Obv.   Either way, Medium Allison is going down.

:36
Lisa the "Oh no, not New York" voice of reason tries to diffuse the situation.  Not working, but A for effort (and cleavage).

Faye running interference (AKA fights for "the crazy friend" camera time) with Medium Allison.  No patience for these Noobs.

 :41
Poor little Kim is cracking from the tension.  The more jittery and twitchy Kim gets, the more Taylor glares at her. Sudden movements of weak prey awakens hunger inside lippy beast.

Meanwhile, Camille's puppet show is coming undone. 

Kyle finally unhinges her jaw and tells Allison what we're all thinking: "you're boring me...." Pwned!!! See Kyle knows that indifference is worse than hate, she learned that from her niece, or was it the dusty "Conrad Hilton (not the new, young one)  Guide to Insulting Fake Society Folk" she keeps in her night stand (gift from newly Hilton'd Kathy circa Christmas 1982)?

:43
Washed up Medium ecigarette puffing hack calls  poor man's Demi "washed up" and tells her she's achieved "nothing in life." Um, EXCUSE ME, last time I checked (AKA just now on Google), Mauricio is only the TOP selling BH luxury realtor at Hilton and Hyland thank you very much! That's an achievement! She pulled that! And have you seen him with his shirt off? Good day! I said good day!

:45
Taylor has had enough and starts to "get all Oklahoma" on Kim again for some reason (cough camera time cough) and then runs to mama Adrienne to "make it stop."  The psychological nuances were not lost on us, but still kinda boring. Next.

:48
No seriously what is this meaningless fight with Kim and Taylor? Something about New York bullshit and then I think Kim said someting about Taylor's lips, but my mind was wandering and I was too lazy (and bored) to rewind it. Can the editors do a better job at trimming the snooze? 

Finally the ladies have had enough - they bust out of the haunted mansion.  Kim tries to be nice to Camille when she says bye and then awkwardly trips over something.  Lightbulb over my head, if anyone should be landing a sitcom deal 'round these parts, it's this one.

:56
I'm kinda mad at Kyle for shoving Kim alone in a limo, ditching her for the other ladies.  Conjures up memories of my older sister in junior high when she was with her "cool friends" and ignored me in the halls.  Nobody puts Kimmy in the limo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:57
Oh snap, Camille insinuates Mauricio is a philanderer!! "He really loves women" Eek, karma's a bitch Mealy.

How sad is the scene with Kim calling Kyle in the limo and her NOT PICKING UP????? Meanwhile they're going to the Polo Lounge without Kim! Let's all tip a 40 for Kim.  Kyle, you're falling off your pedestal. 

Upcoming Episode Teaser:  Why does the closeup scene of Kyle with a blurry Camille in the background (both of them in flapper wigs and getups mind you) remind me of some Lifetime Channel murder mystery thriller?

And scene. 

Live blogging is harder than I thought y'all!

Peace, love and Giggy.

P.S. Cowboy Adrienne Maloof says bye too.
 

Random Thought - Birds

I was watching TV the other day, and a caged bird  emerged on screen - kind of made me go off in my mind.  Do you know how cool as f*ck flying must be? No? Have you ever had a dream about flying? It's pretty much the coolest type of dream you can ever have. 

Now imagine that you actually, for some reason, are able to fly in real life - and you're free and you're loving life gliding above the earth. 

THEN some jackass snatches you up, clips your wings and shoves you in a cage in the corner of their kitchen and for the next few years of your short life, they scream at you to shut up everytime you chirp your birdy songs.

That is MESSED up.  

Hey Lenny, PUT THE BIRD DOWN!

Good day.

I said good day!

Kyle Richards Got Bethenny Frankel Job.... Chauffeuring Little Paris Hilton

How did I just hear about this now???????

Okay, so I was watching my stories on Bravo like I do all day almost everyday, and you know how I like to start Googling up a storm when I watch all that mess right? What am I saying, of course you do.

So anyhow, I can't believe that I missed this little gem reported in early November on TheFrisky.com (which was based on a NYPost.com story).  Anyway, moving right along, Kyle Richards pretended she's Bethenny's oldest friend while putting her on blast at the same time.  Here's what she said:

“[I’ve known Betthenny] for like 20 years. She was the hostess at a restaurant in Beverly Hills. ... She’ll probably kill me for saying this. But I was having lunch one day and she plopped down right next to me and said, ‘Do you use Lancome eye makeup remover?’ Turns out she was dating my ex and the Lancome was in his apartment. We started laughing and became friends. Then I got her a job with my sister driving Paris and Nicky [Hilton] to school.”

This is all I heard:  "oooh, yea she's old I knew her forever, she was the help at a restaurant and dated my sloppy seconds, then I got her a better servant job schlepping little brats around.  I'm very charitable."

I've heard that people in Beverly Hills have PhD's in backhanded compliments, but dang this is a new level. 

Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent Are Going Around The Schoolyard .... For Realzies You Guys

50 and Chels - in near unison - kinda announced their coupledom today... as if we had our doubts

Taken from the playbook of a "really mature" 6th grader,  the proclamations were jokingly made today via their respective (where else?)  Twitters.  

The Science of Why We Love Jennifer Aniston

Today, we have a "very special episode" of PAT.  Remember when you were a kid and your favorite sitcom had a "message" episode?  What a bummer right? But it ended being mildly entertaining - and heck, it even made you think little bit.  

Well, THIS post is THAT episode.  Buckle up and get serious for a second because we're gonna do some psychoanalysis. 

Oh, lighten up, it's about the cover girl of nearly every single tabloid for a decade - so it can't be THAT serious.  That's right, instead of hugs not drugs, we're gonna talk about Jennifer Aniston (remember when I said a little while ago that I watched The Bounty Hunter? Well after that, I watched Love Happens so yeah, the Aniston hypnosis is in full effect right now. It might as well be 8:30 pm on a Thursday night in 1997).

Why do almost all women love Jennifer Aniston (from beforethe "Brad" thing to present day)? It's a complicated dance, a dichotomy if you will - we both identify with her flaws and strive to achieve her perfection.  She embodies all of our personal projections.  She's given us hope for more than 15 years of our lives (well, to those of us old enough to be able to say that - for the Miley generation, "she's a pretty older lady in the movies and was funny in that one show I watched with mom when I was in diapers - I still love the reruns and I love love love dressing vintage mid-90s! Auntie cat lady, take me to the mall!!!!!").

Let's break it down. The girl overcame chubbiness, awkward looks and family strife as she worked to achieve her dreams.




She has a cast of features on her face that - one by one are flawed (check it out for yourself, she has small eyes, a unique shaped nose, an unconventional jawline) but the package, put together, is absolutely stunning.  A testament to her hard work, determination and instinct to shake what her mama gave her.

Almost none of us can identify with Giselle Bundchen or Miranda Kerr or Cindy Crawford - with their freakish other-worldly genetics that nearly classifies them as another species.  But Jennifer gives us homo sapiens some hope.

So how exactly do we play into all this?   Picture it: circa mid nineties to early millennium, we were determined to follow young Rachel Greene's footsteps. So we cut our hair in layers, got some highlights, did some yoga and cut out carbs.   And we actually did look and feel better.



Jennifer dated some "eh, he'll do's" then eventually landed her "Prince Charming" in a whirlwind fairy tale. We too found our knights in shining armor after kissing a few <dozen> frogs.  



But the years went by and we learned life wasn't all roses with these supposed princes and knights.  They were jackasses after all, leading us down alleys of betrayals and disappointment no less. We turned around and oh our beloved Jennifer,  our untouchable Jennifer - she who was so disciplined that she did pilates and yoga every hour on the hour, she who ate the same "lean, healthy, no carb" cobb salad every single day for ten years - she too was a victim of a wolf in sheep's clothing - just like us.  We all watched with baited breath as our own lives idled along, our resigned complacency landing us in vanilla ruts. 


Would she crumble?  Because that's what we wanted to do. Life was too hard, we couldn't go on.  But Jenny got back up, pilate'd her ass harder than ever and did like 200 movies in a row.  She got back on the love horse too.  Sure, she had some bad flings and career  moves (just like us) but she STILL shook them all off and moved on again and again.  Meanwhile, each passing year added a new layer of beaty to her glowing frame.




Was that even possible?  Was that something that we could do too?  We wiped our tears away and followed suit.  Sure we'd endure hurtful reminders - a callous acquaintance here, an awkward run-in there.  But this untouchable woman has to deal with that shit on a weekly basis in public on every single tabloid - with the SAME storyline five years and counting.  And she does it with more class than most of us could muster in the face of a mere sideways glance.

I once read that Jennifer likes to take advantage of her  victim image in the press because it keeps her relevant and boosts her career.  Perhaps it's because she's also smarter than we give her credit for.  She actually took lemons and made million-ade.

Brava, Jennifer, brava!!!!!!!!

We don't know how the story will eventually play out for Jenny, but one thing's for sure, we'll all be watching with pencil and pad in hand.

WTF??? Dog Crosses Eyes on Command

Move over Jim Carey/Adam Sandler/Paul Blart - there's a new sheriff in town.  You're not getting excited enough. Let me repeat, an effing DOG crosses his eyes on command. This is a game changer people.
Hollywood agents need to get off their asses and start a bidding war over this comedic gem. He'll work for virtually nothing and he knows how to take direction. Ladies and gentelemen, I present you with Chuckles (not really his name but I like it better - OK? Ugh, fine, he's Teddy the Cocker Spaniel):

Is it Just Me or Does Gerard Butler....

look like he smells like corn nuts?  Just watched The Bounty Hunter (on low volume while I clicked away online - isn't that how everyone watches movies in 2010?) and that's all I was thinking the WHOLE time, corn nuts and Nacho Cheese Doritos.

Best of "Under the Radar" Posts

We here at Pay Attention To are exteremely grateful for our growing readership.  Back in the day, when all we had was a half dying laptop and a dream (but no audience), we wrote a few posts that were quickly buried by the new before the teeming masses discovered us. These are some of our favoirtes. 

• Ah, remember when you had your first bed bug freak out? You know they're out they're and they're going to get all of us.  Here's a post we farted out during one such hysterical breakdown.  Bedbug-ocalpyse Now.
• Office lingo gets to the best of us.  One night home after another brutal and seemingly useless day in the office we rocked ourselves back and forth in the corner chanting gibberish while barfing out this gem - Office Buzzwords Exposed. Then a quick tea party with our cats and it was lights out. 
• Us PATsies (coined that just now.  If you read this site, you are officially knighted as a PATsy, please join us in this journey of fuckery. But I digress, back to regularly scheduled programming.  Just kidding, I can't get over this obession with parentheses. OK now, GAK!! Remember Cathy? I miss that cartoon. OK, OK now for real, this parenthe-rant is officially over) get a real kick out of The View. We live for their dysfunction.  Take a gander at what we had to say about the cold war brewing between Whoopi and Barbara.
• Back in the day, when we had higher hopes for serious journalism, we pondered long and hard on the state of Detroit. It's crazy to think about how a once sprawling big city turns into a virtual ghost town in such a short time.  Almost spooky.  Detroit Rock (Bottom) City.  And now back to Jimmy for the weather.
• The song F*ck You (or Forget You for the unsalted)  by Cee-Lo Green is one we will shake our money makers to for the rest of our lives.  One a particularly obsessed night, as the song played on loop, we took a quick break from dancing around with our fancy cats (in tuxedos of course) to do some YouTube dumpster diving for the best covers of the song.  They still hold up pretty well.  Check them out - do you agree with our picks? We don't really care if you do, but our marketing department keeps nagging us to"engage" with our audience. Will this shut you up Larry???? P.S. there's no Larry - that's just the nickname of one of our cats when he's in a tie.  

Vintage Kyle Richards from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Down To Earth)

Since they repeatedly beat us over the head with all their credits in episode 1, we can't help but know that Kim and Kyle Richards (of Real Houswives of Beverly Hills and Paris Hilton's aunts fame) were child actresses.

With all the Disney work older sis Kim pulled back in the day, we are supposed to be impressed that she was the more legit of the two.  Well Kim, hope you enjoyed the felling, cause those days are over.  Now we can marvel at the unparalleled thespian displays of one Miss Kyle - you know, the one we actually care about in present day.

Before the Bravo Channel was even a glimmer in cable TV's eye, and Andy Cohen was still frolicking through the meadows of Mizzourah, there was a station called Superstation WTBS (now TBS).  Superstation was a treasure trove of the best cheesy sitcoms you've never heard of.  Remember Small Wonder, Madame and Out of This World? Well now set your standards way lower and imagine Z list knockoffs of those classy network programs with some added Velveeta for good measure. 

Kyle had a "starring" role in a bizarre basic cable TV sitcom - Down to Earth - about a dead 20s flapper who comes back as a ghost to haunt a family and teach them life lessons! I wish this was a joke! Wait, no I don't! This is awesome!

After some Youtube dumpster diving, clips of the show have been unearthed for your gawking pleasure.

Here's the opening of the show (for the TL;DRs who just want to get to the good stuff, Kyle shows up after :53)




Also, here's a Superstation WTBS promo that has some Kyle clips from Down to Earth  (don't be frightened by Hulk Hogan in the beginning skip to :32 for Kyle and her luxurious hair. Sidenote: I'm starting to think that's the only hairstyle she's ever had):



 How did this show not win an Emmy?????

Maybe we can start a campaign for a Kyle Richards Television Arts & Sciences Lifetime Achievement Award...

Oh and P.S., the Demi Moore resemblance is now officially undeniable amirite?

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You, I Ain't Got All Day Edition

So we were considering not covering RHOBH this week because #whitegirlproblems are getting old plus Camille was only in it for like 5 seconds, but we'll push through.  Some disclaimers, this will be half assed even for me and did I mention Camille was barely in it?

• Let's start with Camille since she'll be fairly easy to get out of the way.  Dear, sweet, disillusioned Camille.  If nobody has explained this to you yet, let me try.  Kelsey's awards are not your awards, you have nothing to do with his recognition except for the fact that he earned them in spite of being dragged down by you.  Okay, now that we got that straight, remember everyone is just jealous of you and that is why bad things keep happening to you. That's it, there is no other possible solution.   
•  Moving on to Adrienne.  Wow girlfriend, I know I called it but you're really gonna take this all the way aren't you? This buffoon and princess "sitcom" you have going on.  I mean that's the only thing that explains your presumably well educated successful doctor husband playing the role of clumsy but well meaning [X CHARACTER - FILL IN THE BLANK] from every half hour situation comedy since the invention of TV?  Well, plus your shiny mylar hair extensions. Those are definitely princess-like, not tacky in the least - anyone who says so is just jealous (Camille will explain it all to you). Where does one go to get those Adrienne?  Party World? 
• Ok so we didn't have much from Kyle this week - she was more of a supporting character - as the helpful sister and confidante to Taylor. Good thing anyways since I can't seem to follow her storylines.  All I see is that long gorgeous hair with background music playing in my head.  
• Oh, Taylor - yes yes I know puppy puppy sniffles welts sad sad, but I'm not really going to get into that whole mess because it was only a means to a bigger issue: Russell the Sphincter Muscle. Tay Tay, can I call you that? No?  I never thought I'd really empathize with you, but the time has come.  For some reason I always thought that whole unaffected, pompous thing Russell had going on was all an act just to make your marriage seem interesting. Well,  you guys aren't THAT good at acting, so that just means it's all true and that really is sad.  But let me give you a really good piece of insight: meekness is not going to solve any of your problems so grow a proverbial sack and unleash on that lump of vanilla pudding.  
• That brings us to the belle of the ball - little Miss Kim.  No comment on the blind date or the brash London curmudgeon she was paired with, to each their own.  What I'd like to focus on is THAT DRESS, you know because that's just Kim being Kim, 100% Kim, because I'm Kim and that's who I am.  Since when did being Kim equate to a mix between every New Jersey Housewife and Jerseylicious broad all rolled into one? 
• Finally, there's Lisa.  Full disclosure, I'm Team Vanderpump all the way.  I know she's not in a fight, thus doesn't need a team to rally around her, but I need to be able to chant Vanderpump over and over without it being weird.  Plus I had all these jerseys made up, so there's that.  Can someone explain to me how Lisa and her husband have all this money?  All we hear about is the one restaurant.  And who is Mohammed? All I know is one second I was watching RHOBH and then all of a sudden I was in the middle of some weird Dynasty episode where the Arab sheik moved into town and built a huge castle (was that an episode? I'm totally making it up but it sounds right) and then all of a sudden I was watching some weird documentary on the History Channel (or was it Logo?) about Turkish baths. 

Ugh, sorry for this half-assed mess. To make it up to you, I leave you with images of all the fine actresses of RHOBH in their thespia-ic primes.


Lisa Vanderpump in Silk Stalkings
Some pervy show from the 90s



Kim Richards in  Tuff Turf - wtf movie was this?

And where do I get that headband?

   

Kyle Richards in some kid movie from back in the day

Week In Review

Hot links coming through.

Ok, so what happened this week.  Wellllll.......

• We (royal "we" but I like to pretend I have a media empire and I command a massive newsroom of hacks) published a lazy little recap of the Real Housewives of Atlanta (RHOA). Almost as lazy as Kim Zolciak "performing" Google Me as she leaned up against a bar stool on Watch What Happens Live (see talented artist - AKA me - rendition above).
• We tried to start a new "daily" post called Some Things You Should Know which we did for approximately one day and then when NOBODY read it we threw a stapler (ok, it was really a bag of Funyuns) across the room and vowed to chill out and take some Valerian Root because nobody understands me, I mean us.  May try again soon. Pageviews are votes people.
• We learned that most people are clueless when it comes to the social graces of Facebook.
• And speaking of Facebook, we had a revelation that cartoon characters as profile pictures doesn't make an ounce of difference to/for abused kids.
• We discovered that the strongest member of the Palin clan has nothing on the weakest member of the Kardashian clan when it comes to the almighty word of the Twitter bird.
• And finally, us execs from the top floor came down to the newsroom and hung out with the little writers late Friday knocking  back some scotch and pondering the meaning of the world (AKA hung out at home alone on a Friday night watching Comedy Central, eating microwave melted cookie dough and admiring Kevin Bacon).

Some Questions For the Universe

Why am I (on a Friday night no less):

• Watching a Ron White stand-up special on Comedy Central
• Feeling the increasing pain of those judgy pink teeth marks from my elastic waistband?  (oh yeah, I can answer that one, I may or may not have eaten 6 balls of pre-made chocolate chip cookie dough heated in the microwave for approximately 33 seconds - AKA too fat and hungry to wait for the oven)
• Loving this Kevin Bacon commercial for the Logitech Google TV thingy?

Tweet Patrol: Second String Kardashian Bests Palin by a Landslide

When you're having a bad day, here's something to make you smile (well, at least a littler more than half of you):

Rob Kardashian (younger brother to Kim, Kourtney and Khloe) has 270% more Twitter followers than Sarah Palin.

Kinda puts things in perspective no?  I mean really - who IS Rob Kardashian? 

• He gets like 3 seconds of screen time per episode of a basic cable reality show
• He never does (AKA is not invited to) press tours with his "famous" sisters
• He dated a Cheetah Girl (oh what's a Cheetah Girl you ask? just a long forgotten Disney Channel movie wherein the real star was Raven Simone and the rest of the girls were kinda just shadows in the background) 
• And oh yeah he has a widow's peak that puts Dracula to shame.  Welp, that's pretty much it.   

Perhaps the Tea Party following is not as massive as we thought?

Wake Up Ass-Facebook: Changing Your Profile Picture Does Not Stop Child Abuse

Since we're already on the subject of assFacebook, I got another bone to pick.

I abhor child abuse just as much as any sane person - but I'm sorry, how exactly is changing your profile picture to your favorite childhood character going to do a damn thing? 

Can somebody please explain this fuckery to me?  It's the ultimate in frivolous displays of philanthropy. 

Like, gee I wouldn't really get off my keester to help this cause in a meaningful way, but I guess that changing my profile pic is easy enough. Plus I used to LOVE cartoons when I was little. I am gonna have so much fun on Google images right now!! AND it's all for a good cause so I feel much better.   Thanks to my five minutes of clicking, so many children will be spared from abuse!!!!!!!!

You are welcome future generations!!

I wanna be the Snorks HA HA HA,

I'm so clever I bet everyone forgot about them.....





I wanna be Fraggle Rock LSHMSFO
(for the uninitiated:  laughing so hard my sombrero fell off)



 



Ohhhh, I wanna be Strawberry Shortcake, remember scratch n'sniff stickers?  I used to have one of her it was soooooooo good!!!! What were we talking about????



Read more from Pay Attention To, check out our "Week in Review" for all the hot posts from this week.   

Ass-Facebook: Avoid These 8 Facebook Status Faux Pas

Updates Getting Crickets?  Stop Being an Ass on Facebook!

If you're on Facebook and a sh1t ton of your friends have gone radio silent on your ass, there's a good chance you've been filtered out of their News Feeds.  Take a good hard look at your history - what are you doing wrong?  There are Eight Deadly (OK, not deadly - but adds dramatic effect amirite?) Sins when it comes to Facebook status updates. Until you get these issues under control, your social status will continue to plummet. No more time to waste, let's go:


1.  Random Mimicry

Stop already with the out of context random-ass song or movie lines.  Just becuase you're watching Billy Madison and your favorite scene has  you in fits doesn't mean you should blast out "Stop looking at me swan" to everyone you know. 

These people are not in the same headspace as you at that exact moment. Stop forcing your momentary - and I repeat, out of context - fuckery on them while they are busy working, running errands and being productive members of society. 

A better way to express yourself in this situation would be to say something like "I love it when Billy Madison is on 'stop looking at me swan' gets me everytime!"  This comment gives the reader more context and invites them to share their own connections with Billy Madison or Adam Sandler or Golf or swans etc. etc. and so on and so on.  

2.  Shame Spiral Play-By-Play

While your quarter/midlife crisis is amusing to us, it will many times cross a line that is too crass for us to handle.  

Aside from three of your frat bros, most of your general audience will find it incredibly offensive when you post an almost upskirt of some girl "at the club" or a photo of you in a tight ass Ed Hardy shirt (New Jersey residents exempt) or your new tramp stamp.

3.  Breakup Crossfire
Yes we know that breakups are hard. We've all been there, but constant 1AM updates about your new-found happiness or club galavanting is the digital equivalent of making us all stand around in a circle at a junior high boy/girl dance while you and your ex pretend to be happy with the nearest member of the opposite sex. Try to be a little less obvious.  Plus, nobody's buying it for a minute. 

4.  Political rants
Consider these unacceptable. It's okay to let us know you just voted or that you're happy that X candidate won.  Aside from that, don't get all Glenn Beck on our asses. 

We don't want to know about your conspiracy theories, or read your long rants about how much you hate the other "un-American" side (of which many of your "friends" are a part).  And we definitely don't want to be told how to vote.

5.  Desperation
Don't make desperate comments on a friend's status updates everytime said friend surfaces e.g. "thanks for never calling me back" or "you never say nice things like that to me." This is a surefire way to get blocked. 

People need their digital freedom without feeling like they owe someone anything, or being worried they'll be guilted into something.  Let people engage with you organically.  Don't force it.    

6.  Cryptic Bullsh1t
Stop crypti-venting about things that you aren't willing to divulge. For example, saying something like "he'll just never get it" is just fishing for folks to ask what's wrong. But when they actually do express concern, your clamming up is some crying wolf bullsh1t.

You can't half assedly air your dirty laundry and then zip your cake hole.  You're being obvious, you're crying out for help, but you just can't take that last step can  you?  Drive by venting is bad enough, but if you're going to do it, do it all the way. Anything in-between is super annoying.

7.  You're Bringing Me Down Man
Don't make the majority of your quotes about everything that's going wrong in your life.  Once in a while, a bad day comment is fine.  However, when your updates are an endless string of Debbie Downer-isms, it's just exhausting. 

Remember, everyone is dealing with their own bullshit, they don't want to be depressed on a daily basis with your "I'm sick again, why does this always happen to me?" and "my mother just called me an ungrateful bitch" and "I was late to work again, guess I'm gonna have to start looking for a new job soon" poor me blah blah blah. 

The rule is (because I just made it up and it sounds right), you can only do this once a fiscal quarter when you really have a bad day so choose your subject matter wisely.

8.  I Ain't Buying What You're Selling
Unless you're a business or public figure, your Facebook friends are not marketing targets.  Yes I know you're a stage actor, but please stop bombarding me with invites to your lame plays every weekend. I haven't even seen you since the third grade! Try to target JUST the friends you think might care. Sweeping ad/invite bombs will definitely get you de-listed.

---------------------------------------------------------
Oh, and by the way,  I'm not talking down to you. I once was a multiple offender myself - which is how I detected these deadly sins.  I'm simply suggesting that you might want to pull your head out of your ass and learn the meaning of "self awareness" (you know, like that scary-ass spider training to take over the world).

Anyhoo, there's good news - it's all very easily remedied (AKA stop it).  Now hurry up and go de-douchify.

12/1 - Some Things You Should Know

Here at Pay Attention To, or "PAT" (ambiguously sexy), we like to play around with new features, some turn into regulars and others we abandon like the hidden cupcake wrappers at the bottom of the trash screaming our shame.

Here's our first STYSK - a segment that tells you everything you need to know about the day - without having to do the rifling through the dirty interwebs yourselves:

• Bling Ring cog and former E! reality person (I can't say "star," sorry I just can't) Alexis Neiers has been arrested for alleged black tar heroin possession (see full story at LATimes)
• Chelsea Handler was on Jay Leno last night and had fun perpetuating unprompted f*ckery about herself and a certain half dollar rapper (see full episode at Hulu for limted time)
• Senate passed a new Food Safety Bill so that our bagged spinach doesn't try to kill us anymore (see full story at FitPerez yeah I coulda sourced some realer sh1t, but maybe this -sic- could actually make people care about their health) but what about all the nasty hormones and pesticides? I guess they can stay.
• Britney Spears' ex-husband Jason Alexander alleges (to Star Magazine, a periodical my mother purchases strictly for the crosswords - she swears) that Britney Spears told him her boyfriend beats her. The full story is at RadarOnline.
• I don't really know the full details about this mess because I refuse to read past the sub-head,  but something about Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband trying to expose some tape of her showing her privates in Cuba?  Man exes getting all types of bold today. Full story at RadarOnline.
• Senate Republicans tell the President they're taking their ball and going home if the Bush tax cuts don't stay (see story at Gawker).
• Google is close to launching an ebook store, adding to the growing list of behemoths (a la Amazon and Apple) getting in on the book game.  Do these people think Americans actually read? Read more via Consumerist.
• A bunch of self importants are going social media silent in the name of a good cause (World AIDS Day).  How much for them to never log on again?  See PSA on YouTube.
• Remember those ugly Teva sandals from the 90s? Remember how you wanted to scream in the faces of the dorks who wore them with socks? Well they're back. WITH HEELS. WTF WTF life as we know it is crumbling faster than you can say "curse of the Reefs and Birkenstocks, a new monster is born, it's multiplying, RUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN." More at the Daily What.

Here's a bonus, "Daily Throwback."  Remember when Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck had it out on The View in 07? (AKA the sh1t I live for) well I just spent all morning on YouTube rewatching Alicia Silverstone snub Elisabeth later on in that episode. Never gets old.