RanDumb

• Current Mood: Annoyed
• Favorite Color: Black
• Current Obsession: Howard Stern Show
• Favorite Reality Show(s): Real Housewives, Jersey Shore, Celebrity Apprentice (David Cassidy was robbed!!!!!!!), Teen Mom (yeah we said it), Jerseylicious
• Which Housewives? Rank them, bitch: First of all, don't call me bitch.  Second of all: NJ, Beverly Hills, Orange County, NY and Atlanta are tied (D.C. and Miami don't count)

P.S. did you hear all the original BH hens signed on for a second season? Yes, including Camille and Kim.  

Charlie Sheen's UStream: Live Blogging

It's Saturday night, so natch we're home.  But this isn't just any ordinary Saturday night for a loser homebody - this is like the greatest Saturday night to have nothing to do.  Why? Because just a few hours ago, Mr. Charlie Sheen himself announced he'd be broadcasting a UStream live from his house.

We're logged in ready to go, waiting for Mr. Sheen. The UStream just got started!!!

• Whoa, Simon Rex  (AKA Dirt Nasty) is there!!!! Why? Who knows? 
• Charlie opens with shout outs to his sponsors - apparently he's making some money on this thing, hence the $  t-shirt. Sponsors include HDNet and a new drink called "Tiger Blood" - it's organic just so you know. 
• One of the goddesses is missing!  (Rachel AKA Bree Olson) Charlie says she's "out of town."  Interesting since earlier in the day Charlie tweeted she left him and that he was taking new applications, but then quickly deleted the tweet saying they were back together.   A quick check on her Twitter account reveals that she's in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Perhaps visiting family?
• 7:07 PST: So far more than 112,000 viewers have tuned in
• 7:08 Charlie just unveiled a new tattoo with the word "WINNING" scrawled on his wrist.  Surely a new trend.  I've already called the tattoo parlor to get my appointment.  
• 7:10 some LOLcat style pics of cats "winning" over dogs are being displayed.  Natch.
• 7:11 Some bizarro news is being reported.  Something about an eagle scout.  Then, a bald eagle crashing into a windshield and surviving. 
• 7:14 we're officially bored.  Guess this is really supposed to be some sort of "show."  Why did we think he was going to have some news about his life or 2.5 Men to report??? We're kind of ready to give up on this thing.  We'll give it a couple more minutes.
• 7:16 they're finally wrapping up the "Winning" news. Charlie just said he may be broadcasting everyday or every week if enough people are interested.  Based on this ep, we're gonna have to say "Nyet nyet Soviet" to that proposal. 
• P.S. lots of fart sounds happening throughout the broadcast thanks to the "Music Guy" Simon Rex mixing from a laptop in the background.  Is Charlie trying to be Howard Stern??? 
• Now they're waiting for a call "from the President" WTF??? Nothing happens and Charlie looks to be annoyed by the disorganization of the team.  He wants to fire someone. 
• 7:19 New segment "Weighing in With Rick"  they want us to Twitter in some questions.  BORING
• Sidenote - back to Howard Stern: We kind of think this was Howard Stern's idea to begin with. Earlier this week in his interview with Charlie, he said he wanted to send Charlie a microphone so he would broadcast for Sirius.  Wonder why Mr. Sheen decided to go with Mark Cuban instead.......  We're guessing it may have something to do with money. 

• Now Charlie's asking for viewers to tell him what their favorite Charlie Sheen saying is......
• 7:22 Lots of nonsense and gibberish among the group, speaking amongst themselves like they don't have a camera on them
• 7:23 The subject of the BYU sex scandal was brought up via Twitter by a viewer.  Charlie's two cents on the topic: "there's two ways to look at it... BYU... lighten up" or "he knew the rules coming in." Wow, profound. Tiger blood runs deep. 
• 7:24 Charlie debuted the new saying "Losing"
• 7:25 Charlie is drinking something out of a sippy cup

• 7:26 viewer count is going down.  It's now in the 105,000 range.  (P.S. we're barely hanging by a thread ourselves)
• 7:27 new segment "Wish They Were Me." On that list? Dr. Drew, Nancy Grace and some addiction specialist that apparently spoke out about Charlie.
• 7:30 new segment "Wish I Were Them." On that list? Colin Farrel, Brian Wilson and Sean Penn
• 7:32 Charlie announces a new list "The Gnarls Gnarlington List." (apparently that's a good thing???) On that list? Reggie Jackson, Todd Zale (sp?), Tony Todd, Mark Cuban and "me" 
• 7:34 everyone is hot and sweaty looking - wiping their brows.  Charlie is complaining about no air conditioning, making jokes about a budget
• 7:35 viewership has dipped to the 99,000 range

• 7:36  Charlie is pushing a new saying "Plan Better" on us.  "Natty Napalm" came to sit on his lap to be a part of the Plan Better segment.  We didn't really get it. 
• 7:38 Charlie is complaining about his Homeowners Association - something about cameras and the front gate guards.
• 7:40 Charlie continues to ramble in a stream of consciousness where we're only comprehending every third word or so. Prob cause we don't have tiger blood.  Boo us.   Something about Jeff Ross? Or some other Jeff???  We think? We're "losing"
• 7:41 Charlie intro's a new saying "Earn Yourself"
• 7:43 Charlie's reading fan favorite Charlie-isms. We agree with this one: "Come on bro, I won best picture at 20"
• 7:45 Charlie says he burned his AA book.  Now the gang is awkwardly saying "Now what?" They're out of segments.
• 7:47 Sooo..... Charlie starts rummaging through his drawer to show us what's in it (ironically, this act of desperation becomes our favorite segment).  He shows us his book of poetry that he wrote (that was conveniently just laying around), and Casey Stengel's passport.  His friend with the hat is going through a "magic tray" with a bunch of candy in it.  Yes, it's come to this.
• 7:49 Charlie shows us his Apocalypse Now (this again?) "channel" that streams the movie all day long (AKA a DVD on loop)  
• 7:50 Charlie is talking about past movie moments (that he starred in), and then disses Wall Street 2
• 7:52 Charlie reads us one of his poems from the book to wrap up the show.  Lucky us. 
• 7:53 It's finally over!!!!!

We can proudly say we survived "Sheen's Korner." We need to go take a shower now.

Update: It happened too quick for us to catch it, but apparently the call in the middle of the broadcast that Charlie picked up was from none other than Beverly Hills Housewife Adrienne Maloof's husband Dr. Paul Nassif

They're Charlie's neighbors (and friends).  Dr. Nassif tweeted back to his wife that he wanted to see if Charlie would actually pick up the phone.  Maloof and the Doof strike again.  Man we miss them. 

Seth Rogen disses Adrienne Maloof?

So Seth Rogen was on The Ellen Degeneres Show today regaling Ellen with his awe inspiring stories (insert sarcasm here) when he got to an interesting tidbit that caught our attention.  Seth was telling Ellen that he watches a lot of reality TV including all the Housewives shows, and that he met one of them at the recent Green Hornet premiere.  When Ellen asked "which one?" Seth said "the one with all the plastic surgery on her face."  Everyone had a good chuckle and that was that.

BUT - synapses started firing here at PATsy Central and we remembered something.  A photo Adrienne Maloof twatted out last week:

@AdrienneMaloof: With Seth Rogan at the Green Hornet party. No the flash isn't broken, it really is that green in here! 

Mmmm hmmmm, we see what you did there Seth.  We take it you won't be staying at the Palms Casino anytime soon?

For the record, we think Adrienne is fierce and gorgeous.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Details Leaked By Wendy Williams

So, I'm flipping channels and stumble upon my girl Wendy "How you doin?" Williams (P.S. somewhere Joey Tribbiani just gave the side eye) - anyways,she was in the middle of Hawt Tawpics and begins dropping some gossip on the RHOBH reunion that was recently filmed. 

Wendy says the reunion is going to be extra juicy (meanwhile, how does she know this and how can I be down?)  and here are the alleged deets:

• Don't expect Kyle Richards and Camille Grammer to patch things up
• Kyle called Camille crazy and criticized her for dissing her friend Faye Resnick
• Camille let Kyle have it calling her delusional and irrational
• Kyle's and Kim Richards start fighting at the reunion
• We learn that Lisa has kicked her house guest Cedric out
• In the meantime Cedric is allegedly walking around Hollywood blasting Lisa and her husband and their lifestyle
• In the end, everyone ends up in tears except for Camille

Okay, some of this doesn't surporse me but are you kidding that everyone BUT Camille ends up in tears? In my mind I imagined Camille on one couch and all the other gals across just letting her have it!!!! 

And what about this Cedric revelation? Oy, I can't wait for this all to go down.  Not sure when it airs because we still have a couple episodes to get through.

Update: Looks like we tracked down the possible source, Ted Casablanca's EOnline column

For more RHOBH, check out: Real Blogging - RHOBH Dinner From Hell Episode 

Too. Excited. To. [FILL IN BLANK, breathe, work, eat, talk shit etc. etc.] Jersey Shore 3 & RHOBH Tonight!!!

I'm having a full on Jessie Spano moment right now - I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so so scaaaaareed!!! 



I've been waiting weeks - nay months - nay, my whole life for this.  Jersey Shore is finally back for a third season that promises to be EPIC (<---- read that like annoying frat douche, that's the emphasis I need you to put on the word epic to really grasp the meaning of the sentence).  PLUS, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills back tonight after a mini-hiatus. 

image via giggythepom.com. NO I'M NOT KIDDING
GIGGY HAS A WEB SITE. I'm excited and
scared all over again. BRB, going to make pocorn and
devour the site in its entirety.

By the by, RHOBH is on at 9 tonight - assumingly b/c Bravo is scurred of JS3. As well they should be.  But phew, we really dodged a Sophie's Choice bullet there. I mean amirite or amirite?

Oh, and part two, who else heard that the RHOBH reunion that was just filmed a couple days ago was also crazy epic (<-- again, Sig Ep douche circa 2002 voice, give it all you got)??? Supposably Camille has since said she's quttin that shit.  I mean come on, we all know she was probably hated on for 3 hours straight on some Bravo rented couch at Villa Blanca for the reunion so, yeah there's that. But I really think we need to petition to bring her back.  That show would be surriously burring without her. (sorry for all the urrrr's replacing the middles of real words. that's the mood I'm in.  You know, the kind of mood where you run around telling everyone you're gettin' your hurrr did, and then take it too far with every other word?  And no, I'm not even getting my hurr did but.... minor details).

Um, hi, by the way why was I the last to find out that Camille was (allegedly) a rent-a-woman for like the Sultan of Brunei or something like that?  It's actually on her Wikipedia page (ugh too lazy to find link - stop being such a sloth and Google it).  Dang I missed class that day.  And here I am posing as a  media mogul over here.  Shame on me.

 P.S. I hear Snooki's getting a big-head (ha! just realized the irony of the sentence, but I'm talking figuratively) with all this fame.  Exhibit A: she only wants to be called Nicole now since she's a serious published author. Exhibit B: she was on Access Hollywood Live hating on The Situation and the fact that he did Dancing With The Stars becuase the show is for has beens.  Eekk Snoozi I was really routing for ya, but I don't know anymore. Once someone gets the humble knocked out of them, we're pretty much all gonna drink the haterade.  G'luck sneezy. 

Jailbird Snooki will see you out now.



image via NYPost.com



Did Jersey Shore's Sammi and Ronnie Just Break Up for the Millionth Time?

[PSST: Want More Low Down on Jersey Shore Favorites? Check Out: Snooki's Bizarre YouTube Videos; What's Up With Jersey Fashion?]

For an October 2011 Update on Ron and Sam - Check Out Our Story Update Here

Who can keep up with the rocky relationship of Jersey Shore's Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola and her loverboy Ronnie Magro? (Apparently she can't even keep up with him from the looks of the pic above - ugh has anyone ever had a boyfriend who walked ahead of you like this? Red flag. Red flag.) Surely they have carpal tunnel syndrome by now from making endless Facebook relationship status flip-flops.

Well, it seems like they've just broken up again. Here's the bloody trail of evidence:

Chapter 1. Twitter

Just up until around New Year's Eve RoSam seemed to be on again and quite happy as any religous follower of their Twitter accounts could attest to.

Sammi even tweeted this picture on January 3:


@MTVSammi: New years eve in times square was sickkk this year! :) @MTVRonnie

Everything was right and in it's place and we all breathed a collective sigh of relief. Phew!!!

But ...

then......

January 4th came. Somewhere in Siberia a butterfly fluttered its wings.

This seemingly innocent act would set off a vicious chain of events ending halfway across the world. And just like that, as the world slept, temperatures plummeted in Hazlet, NJ and the Bronx, NY (the hometowns of our modern day Ms. Capulet and Mr. Montague).

At approximately 1:36 AM eastern time (pacific time shown below - and please read this in a daunting Dateline voiceover voice), Ronnie posted this on his Twitter:

Later that afternoon, as Sammi awoke from her daily 23 hour cocooned slumber, she shot off with:

What was going on? Any seasoned anthropological researcher of Jersey Shore (that's what we all call ourselves to feel just a little bit better about our unhealthy obsessions right?) can tell you, these two aren't subtle when it comes to their emotions, especially when it comes to breaking up.

BUT MTV keeps a tight leash on these carnies when it comes to revealing modern day truths. Thusly, they are relegated to "blinking in code."

Like that of DaVinci, the code of a Guido is not easily cracked. It took a legion of MTV publicists working round the clock, but they were able to construct a cipher that would reveal the true meaning of the Guido words. Either that or MTV was downwind and they smelled some Jersey farts.

Damage control ensued as Sammi quickly deleted an original follow-up post that said something to the effect of "everything happens for a reason."

Ronnie also re-surfaced blowing off his previous tweet:

But the reconnaisance isn't working. We cannot unknow that which is known. RoSam is no longer....this week.

UPDATE BREAKING NEWS AT 8:34 EASTERN TIME (1/6): Ronnie is no longer following Sammi on Twitter (though he was earlier today). Hate to say I told you so but I have a really smug look on my face soo....... Anyway, story developing.

UPDATE 1/8: More confirmation that it's over.

1. Sammi is no longer following Ronnie on Twitter.
2. Also Ronnie is doing more blinking in code by letting his "ReTweets" speak for him (AKA this way he doesn't have to take responsibility for the quotes and hence get in trouble with MTV. A thinly veiled ploy, but good for us readers). Here are some of them:

There's the "confirmation of Single Ronnie" ReTweets:

There's the flirty ReTweets (kinda like the Twatter version of the middle school jilted lover hallway drama you pulled back in the day when your ex was walking by)

And finally, there's the "shit talking" about Sammi he's so clearly endorsing:



All is relatively quiet in Sammi Twitville.

Sammi - who left L.A. earlier than the other Cast Members (mmm hmmmm, wonder why) perked up early 1/9 to say this:

Meanwhile, incoming: Yes I know I'm a loser and I have no life. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.

Chapter 2. GMA
Let's see what happened this morning on GMA when these two had to get together for promotional interviews in advance of the Season 3 premiere tonight.

We all know that during any public appearance, when Sam and Ron are happy and together, they sit side-by-side. So today, what did the seating setup reveal? The two were in DIFFERENT ROWS.

To the un-trained anthropologist (AKA, folks that just started watching in Season 2, or worse yet, last weekend's loopng marathon - ha, NOOBS), it would appear as though this was merely due to the fact that they were assigned to sit by gender. But I call bull-shizz. You know that Sammi probably made her lemon face backstage, getting publicists and managers involved until the seating plans were quickly re-arranged to keep these two apart.

Fast forawrd, halfway through the interview, Robin Roberts AKA the voice of America stood up for the people and.....



.... point blanc asked the boo-some two-some whether they were on or off this particular nano-second.

Here's what they had to say:


"What time is it?" (said Ronnie, looking at his watch, making a joke of their dysfunctional union). He went on to say:

"Me and Sam are working through some stuff right now. We're still talking and we'll see what happens."

If I were to read between those lines, I'd guess that Ronnie was the one who messed up (or got caught) on Jan. 4. Juss sayin.



Sammi also chimed in with:

"I think you should watch the show to really get a feel of how our relationship pans out."

Bitch, we all know the season ended 3 months ago, and we all saw the tabloid shots of you and Ronnie happily leaving Seaside together. That's how that "panned out." Puh-leeze (in my best Danielle Staub voice) that shit's old news.

An HDTV and 50 rewinds later dear Sammi, our expert eyes caught a whisper of tears developing in your eyes as you recited your rehearsed talking points. Yes, yes. That's the Jan 2011 truth right there.

mmm hmmmm, Sammi/Ronnie, we see what you (and the MTV publicists behind you) did there.

Wanna know my next prediction? The two of you will be "back on" by the end of today's endless publicity blitz.


Sure during the first appearance at GMA you were probably staring daggers at each other backstage, but we've all been to a 7th grade dance. Step 2 is for the whispers and the gossiping between the boy and girl cliques, leading up to a confrontation in the bathroom. But alas, these heated exhanges eventually lead to making up. So please accept my "congratulations" in advance.

UPDATE: So I thought they would be back together by now - BUT THEY'RE NOT! However, we've all seen this episode before, so there's THAT.

Got more info? Or Feedback? Send an e-mail to PayAttentionToBlog@Gmail.com OR Leave a comment below.

Moving on....

Party's heeeeeyaaaaaa If I can get up the energy, I'll try to do some liveblogging for the season premiere. You've sent me a ton of email requests but it's haaarrrrrrddddddddddddd you guyyyyeeeezzzzz. I'll try to carbo-load and we'll take it from there.

UPDATE: didn't happen. Whhoopsie.

P.S. On Regis and Kelly - Reeg referred to Snooki as "Snoozi," which was pretty damn funny. Rest was uneventful, that's all you need to know.

P.P.S. Back to GMA, did anyone else notice that JWOWW's lips looked bigger than usual? Please don't tell me she's doing those dang nasty trout pout injections. Somebody get JWOWW a copy of RHOBH stat!!!! Otherwise, this won't end well.

Hungry for more Jersey Shore? Find out more about the "side characters" that make the show.
 

12/16 (Kinda) Live-Blogging Real Housewives of Beverly Hills



Today's post brought to you by Mauricio
Umansky-Richards and Giggy Vanderpump 
Source: Wetpaint.com

For the first time ever at PAT,  we are (almost) live-blogging RHOBH! (westsiyeeeeed time zone - in honor of Giggy Vanderpump's 'hood).  The almost is because I needed some time for the Tivo to do it's job - I don't fancy dealing with bloody adver-tizments (did you just say that in Lisa's perfectly proper English accent like I did in my head? No? Me neither). 

Before we get started, how excited are we that tonight's episode is the much anticipated Malibu Barbie Pizza Massacre 2010 (AKA dinner party at Camille's)? 

AND
how waaaaay excited are we that Kyle Richards is going to be on Watch What Happens Live tonight?  They better not let Denise (Richards, the other guest) get too much shine, we don't have time for her (Attention Andy Cohen: stick her in the online aftershow).

OK so heeeere we go.....

:00 Opening Credits
Why does Kyle playing with her coif in front of the mirror give me goosebumps and make the hair on the back of my neck stand at attention? 

:01
Woo hoo Lisa and Giggy in the first segment! Prayers have been answered! BTW, who else thinks that Ken's hair can use some conditioner? And maybe a little de-mulletizing?  But it's hard to be mad at him when he's so gentle, carrying our precious Gigz around. No matching shirts today, boo.

:02
Camille and Taylor, these two again, ugh. Camille talks about her daugher like she's an acquaintance. "I think she's 8 now, she's at school a lot."  Bitch, she's not your second cousin twice removed.

Woo hoo, first mention of impending "dinner party."  Camille learned a new phrase from her "self help book" (AKA the Garfield phrase-a-day calendar): cautiously optimistic.  Do you think she knows what it means? Ha ha just kidding.

So basically, I've cracked Camille's decpetive, clever, near-indecipherable code.  This dinner party is a ruse wherein Camille will invite her angry drunk "Medium" friend, ply her with alcohol and shove her Kyle's way to really let her have it.  Why do I feel like this was hatched from the play book of a one Mr. Wile E. Coyote?  Listen Camille, Kyle is no ordinary Roadrunner.  She's a Hilton once removed - they do unscathed in their sleep.  You don't stand a chance. <PREDICTION> <UPDATE: PREDICTION CORRECT!>




:04
Oy, it's Glitter Hair and the Goof (AKA multicamera sitcom featuring Adrienne and Paul).  Seriously, who else has noticed they only play the "comedy" music track for these two (you know, the same music that follows Real Housewives of Orange County's Lynn Curtin around)? Bravo's in on it too.  Are they pandering for their own  Brav-omedy or something?

Anyways - does anyone find the "best BH rhinoplasty surgeon in the world with a broken nose" storyline a little suspect/planted/bullshit/hackneyed? 
:08
Leave it up to Camille to not know the difference between a live person and an answering machine. She had to call Vandypump like 5 times before she figured it out. We know she's a "waits to talk" vs. listener, but this is ridiculous.  P.S. Vandy, pretending you're actually picking up the phone in your greeting is so '80s.  I did that shit on my hamburger compact phone (which sat on a white lucite night stand that also had a metallic mint green blow up palm tree and a hamster cage which - for a fleeting fortnight - housed a gorgeous white/beige specimen - but that's a story for another day).

I love how Camille  mumbled to Kyle "look nice" under her breath.  I see what you did there Camille.

:15
Lisa  + Giggy + autographed Laboutins. Is this woman's life for real?  Because if I read about her in a book I wouldn't buy it.  P.S. I think Giggy has a quaalude habit (somehow, Cedric has to be involved).




:15
Geeyah, Kyle playing with her hair, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to pay attention to this. 

Stop the presses, incoming: Kyle's plus one is Faye Resnick?!?!?!?!?! The OJ trial rag tag cast of characters has officially infiltrated RHOBH.  First Kato Kaelin at Taylor's casino engagement last week and now this????

:16
In fifteen seconds, Camille was able to name drop her dress label (Chloe) and let us know that she collects lingerie "like candy." Impressive.  Sidenote: her closet really is a mess- doesn't she have a staff of like 50 people?  Too lazy to even boss other pepole around Mealy?

:18
Um, here's why I'm falling behind, because when I saw Adrienne walk out to the limo in her black lace tights (BLACK LACE TIGHTS!!! AND NOT IN AN IRONIC AMERICAN APPAREL KIND OF WAY!!! SORRY I'LL STOP YELLING NOW) and lazy Dynasty getup, I literally paused the TV and drank it all in for a good 10 minutes.

Of course Lisa is flawless per the usual, but why is Ken holding three Giggys now? Is Giggy code for  Gizmo (for the millennials: that's a Gremlins reference, Google it)? You feed him quaaludes after midnight and he multiplies???

:19
First shot of Faye Resnick!!!! That's all.

:20
Uh oh, Medium friend Allison looks like she's already on her third bottle of Boones (in a glass the size of a fish bowl) before the party even starts as Camille gives her the "drink up" eyes.  She's already practicing her Kyle put downs!!!  Dun dun dun. And scene.

:21
Pizza oven's fired up!!  Please enjoy this brief intermission.  I need to see a man about a horse.

Ok I'm back.  Wow, Medium Allison's up down "I'm judging you" look when the ladies walk in is priceless.

Um, how many times are they gonna tell us that she's the Medium?  "Patricia Arquette plays her!! That's her!"   Not really that impressive, Camille's paid friend Dodo/Deidre/Doo Doo whatever your name is, we don't have time for you!  Chillax, take a 'lude (Giggy has a guy).

:22
Kyle enters the drafty, echo-y soul-less Malibu mansion!!!  Kyle get out while you can!! It's a trap!!

I love all the kiss kiss greetings at the beginning of a party when everything is still fake and proper pre-meltdown.  Just wait my precious, the magic margarita slash soup bowl elixir works beneath the surface.  P.S. the Bronte-esque foreboding in the tense, non-verbal greeting between Faye and Camille was a nice touch.  

:24
Camille bestows the title "guests of honor" upon Allison and "Double D" presents them with the primo seating. Meanwhile, she's herding the rest of the ladies to the trough like a bunch of cattle.  A nice move from her Teach 'em Who's Boss self-help book.  I'm surprised her chair isn't two feet higher than everyone else's (when you look down at 'em, it gives 'em an inferiority complex - Teach 'em Who's Boss!!!!)

Uh oh, Allison's startin' to show her crazy eyes (and mouth).

:27
Allison gettin' crazier by the second, I like where this is headed.

BTW, there's no way that Allison and D.D. aren't on Camille's payroll (along with married actor dude).  They work on commission - each compliment gets them $100, and each sly back-handed complimentputdown directed at the other women gets them $250. 

:28
Camille: "who is Faye? Oh yea, I saw her naked in Playboy" "I loved your spread, literally." Predictable Camille, you're grasping. Step up your game.  P.S. everytime Camille thinks she says something smart in her confessional, she smirks and says "but um......"  Note to self: this would make a good drinking game. Oh, and apparently Faye is "morally corrupt."  Hi pot, meet kettle.

Thank the lord Kyle the fact checker was there w/her laptop to quickly point out that Camille did Playboy too.  Camille's counterpoint: "I did the lingerie supplement, not naked."  Ohhhh thanks for clearing that up for us Camille. In that case, you're still super classy.

:30
Uh oh, they're playing the whimsical comedy track, that can only mean that Adrienne (what kind of zany character will she run into next?!?) the sitcom star has a funny/awkward (fawkward?) interaction with crazy eyes party guest, Medium Allison.  I can't wait for the chuckles to ensue!!!!! I think the name of this episode is "Allison DuBois and the electronic cigarette."

BTW update: of course I Googled Allison's "Oprah" appearance she managed to mention. Here it is http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/A-Call-from-Beyond/6 with a screenshot for the lazy:


No comment.

:34
Finally, the Kyle/Allison duel Camille's been planning for weeks is getting started. 

BRB popping popcorn - talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a topic: Is Adrienne's husband hiding in a cheerleader costume due to a hilarious Three's Company-esque misunderstanding? Discuss.

K. I'm back.

KYLE, DO YOU REALLY WANNA GO THERE???? DO YOU REALLLY WANNA GO THERE? THEY ALL SAY IN UNISON.

Ironic foreshadowing of the day part 2,  Camille: "If someone's been cheating, she'll (Medium Allison) know."

Finally, Allison pounces "He (Mauricio) will never emotionally fulfill you... never... know that."  How dare she besmirch Mauricio!!! Girlfriend's got her Kelsey/Mauricio wires crossed. Obv.   Either way, Medium Allison is going down.

:36
Lisa the "Oh no, not New York" voice of reason tries to diffuse the situation.  Not working, but A for effort (and cleavage).

Faye running interference (AKA fights for "the crazy friend" camera time) with Medium Allison.  No patience for these Noobs.

 :41
Poor little Kim is cracking from the tension.  The more jittery and twitchy Kim gets, the more Taylor glares at her. Sudden movements of weak prey awakens hunger inside lippy beast.

Meanwhile, Camille's puppet show is coming undone. 

Kyle finally unhinges her jaw and tells Allison what we're all thinking: "you're boring me...." Pwned!!! See Kyle knows that indifference is worse than hate, she learned that from her niece, or was it the dusty "Conrad Hilton (not the new, young one)  Guide to Insulting Fake Society Folk" she keeps in her night stand (gift from newly Hilton'd Kathy circa Christmas 1982)?

:43
Washed up Medium ecigarette puffing hack calls  poor man's Demi "washed up" and tells her she's achieved "nothing in life." Um, EXCUSE ME, last time I checked (AKA just now on Google), Mauricio is only the TOP selling BH luxury realtor at Hilton and Hyland thank you very much! That's an achievement! She pulled that! And have you seen him with his shirt off? Good day! I said good day!

:45
Taylor has had enough and starts to "get all Oklahoma" on Kim again for some reason (cough camera time cough) and then runs to mama Adrienne to "make it stop."  The psychological nuances were not lost on us, but still kinda boring. Next.

:48
No seriously what is this meaningless fight with Kim and Taylor? Something about New York bullshit and then I think Kim said someting about Taylor's lips, but my mind was wandering and I was too lazy (and bored) to rewind it. Can the editors do a better job at trimming the snooze? 

Finally the ladies have had enough - they bust out of the haunted mansion.  Kim tries to be nice to Camille when she says bye and then awkwardly trips over something.  Lightbulb over my head, if anyone should be landing a sitcom deal 'round these parts, it's this one.

:56
I'm kinda mad at Kyle for shoving Kim alone in a limo, ditching her for the other ladies.  Conjures up memories of my older sister in junior high when she was with her "cool friends" and ignored me in the halls.  Nobody puts Kimmy in the limo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:57
Oh snap, Camille insinuates Mauricio is a philanderer!! "He really loves women" Eek, karma's a bitch Mealy.

How sad is the scene with Kim calling Kyle in the limo and her NOT PICKING UP????? Meanwhile they're going to the Polo Lounge without Kim! Let's all tip a 40 for Kim.  Kyle, you're falling off your pedestal. 

Upcoming Episode Teaser:  Why does the closeup scene of Kyle with a blurry Camille in the background (both of them in flapper wigs and getups mind you) remind me of some Lifetime Channel murder mystery thriller?

And scene. 

Live blogging is harder than I thought y'all!

Peace, love and Giggy.

P.S. Cowboy Adrienne Maloof says bye too.
 

Kyle Richards Got Bethenny Frankel Job.... Chauffeuring Little Paris Hilton

How did I just hear about this now???????

Okay, so I was watching my stories on Bravo like I do all day almost everyday, and you know how I like to start Googling up a storm when I watch all that mess right? What am I saying, of course you do.

So anyhow, I can't believe that I missed this little gem reported in early November on TheFrisky.com (which was based on a NYPost.com story).  Anyway, moving right along, Kyle Richards pretended she's Bethenny's oldest friend while putting her on blast at the same time.  Here's what she said:

“[I’ve known Betthenny] for like 20 years. She was the hostess at a restaurant in Beverly Hills. ... She’ll probably kill me for saying this. But I was having lunch one day and she plopped down right next to me and said, ‘Do you use Lancome eye makeup remover?’ Turns out she was dating my ex and the Lancome was in his apartment. We started laughing and became friends. Then I got her a job with my sister driving Paris and Nicky [Hilton] to school.”

This is all I heard:  "oooh, yea she's old I knew her forever, she was the help at a restaurant and dated my sloppy seconds, then I got her a better servant job schlepping little brats around.  I'm very charitable."

I've heard that people in Beverly Hills have PhD's in backhanded compliments, but dang this is a new level. 

Vintage Kyle Richards from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Down To Earth)

Since they repeatedly beat us over the head with all their credits in episode 1, we can't help but know that Kim and Kyle Richards (of Real Houswives of Beverly Hills and Paris Hilton's aunts fame) were child actresses.

With all the Disney work older sis Kim pulled back in the day, we are supposed to be impressed that she was the more legit of the two.  Well Kim, hope you enjoyed the felling, cause those days are over.  Now we can marvel at the unparalleled thespian displays of one Miss Kyle - you know, the one we actually care about in present day.

Before the Bravo Channel was even a glimmer in cable TV's eye, and Andy Cohen was still frolicking through the meadows of Mizzourah, there was a station called Superstation WTBS (now TBS).  Superstation was a treasure trove of the best cheesy sitcoms you've never heard of.  Remember Small Wonder, Madame and Out of This World? Well now set your standards way lower and imagine Z list knockoffs of those classy network programs with some added Velveeta for good measure. 

Kyle had a "starring" role in a bizarre basic cable TV sitcom - Down to Earth - about a dead 20s flapper who comes back as a ghost to haunt a family and teach them life lessons! I wish this was a joke! Wait, no I don't! This is awesome!

After some Youtube dumpster diving, clips of the show have been unearthed for your gawking pleasure.

Here's the opening of the show (for the TL;DRs who just want to get to the good stuff, Kyle shows up after :53)




Also, here's a Superstation WTBS promo that has some Kyle clips from Down to Earth  (don't be frightened by Hulk Hogan in the beginning skip to :32 for Kyle and her luxurious hair. Sidenote: I'm starting to think that's the only hairstyle she's ever had):



 How did this show not win an Emmy?????

Maybe we can start a campaign for a Kyle Richards Television Arts & Sciences Lifetime Achievement Award...

Oh and P.S., the Demi Moore resemblance is now officially undeniable amirite?

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You, I Ain't Got All Day Edition

So we were considering not covering RHOBH this week because #whitegirlproblems are getting old plus Camille was only in it for like 5 seconds, but we'll push through.  Some disclaimers, this will be half assed even for me and did I mention Camille was barely in it?

• Let's start with Camille since she'll be fairly easy to get out of the way.  Dear, sweet, disillusioned Camille.  If nobody has explained this to you yet, let me try.  Kelsey's awards are not your awards, you have nothing to do with his recognition except for the fact that he earned them in spite of being dragged down by you.  Okay, now that we got that straight, remember everyone is just jealous of you and that is why bad things keep happening to you. That's it, there is no other possible solution.   
•  Moving on to Adrienne.  Wow girlfriend, I know I called it but you're really gonna take this all the way aren't you? This buffoon and princess "sitcom" you have going on.  I mean that's the only thing that explains your presumably well educated successful doctor husband playing the role of clumsy but well meaning [X CHARACTER - FILL IN THE BLANK] from every half hour situation comedy since the invention of TV?  Well, plus your shiny mylar hair extensions. Those are definitely princess-like, not tacky in the least - anyone who says so is just jealous (Camille will explain it all to you). Where does one go to get those Adrienne?  Party World? 
• Ok so we didn't have much from Kyle this week - she was more of a supporting character - as the helpful sister and confidante to Taylor. Good thing anyways since I can't seem to follow her storylines.  All I see is that long gorgeous hair with background music playing in my head.  
• Oh, Taylor - yes yes I know puppy puppy sniffles welts sad sad, but I'm not really going to get into that whole mess because it was only a means to a bigger issue: Russell the Sphincter Muscle. Tay Tay, can I call you that? No?  I never thought I'd really empathize with you, but the time has come.  For some reason I always thought that whole unaffected, pompous thing Russell had going on was all an act just to make your marriage seem interesting. Well,  you guys aren't THAT good at acting, so that just means it's all true and that really is sad.  But let me give you a really good piece of insight: meekness is not going to solve any of your problems so grow a proverbial sack and unleash on that lump of vanilla pudding.  
• That brings us to the belle of the ball - little Miss Kim.  No comment on the blind date or the brash London curmudgeon she was paired with, to each their own.  What I'd like to focus on is THAT DRESS, you know because that's just Kim being Kim, 100% Kim, because I'm Kim and that's who I am.  Since when did being Kim equate to a mix between every New Jersey Housewife and Jerseylicious broad all rolled into one? 
• Finally, there's Lisa.  Full disclosure, I'm Team Vanderpump all the way.  I know she's not in a fight, thus doesn't need a team to rally around her, but I need to be able to chant Vanderpump over and over without it being weird.  Plus I had all these jerseys made up, so there's that.  Can someone explain to me how Lisa and her husband have all this money?  All we hear about is the one restaurant.  And who is Mohammed? All I know is one second I was watching RHOBH and then all of a sudden I was in the middle of some weird Dynasty episode where the Arab sheik moved into town and built a huge castle (was that an episode? I'm totally making it up but it sounds right) and then all of a sudden I was watching some weird documentary on the History Channel (or was it Logo?) about Turkish baths. 

Ugh, sorry for this half-assed mess. To make it up to you, I leave you with images of all the fine actresses of RHOBH in their thespia-ic primes.


Lisa Vanderpump in Silk Stalkings
Some pervy show from the 90s



Kim Richards in  Tuff Turf - wtf movie was this?

And where do I get that headband?

   

Kyle Richards in some kid movie from back in the day

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You

Alright women, time to Check You.  I was a little late tuning in to this week's episode. I wanted to wait until I had a chance to really settle in and savor it.

Let's get to it:

Yeah, this is really Taylor back in the day.

Yowza. She looked like the mom
from Growing Pains!!

Taylor Armstrong:  What exactly happens when someone gets "Oklahoma" on our asses? Do you just make it really  dusty all around?  I gotta say, Taylor hasn't earned our respect or the credibility to be going around talking like she's tough. We've all seen this subservient, fake damsel around her husband enough times to know that she doesn't have a spine.  Her outburst at Kim was an obvious ploy to get some camera time because she doesn't have a story line.  We don't really care honey.  If you want us to invest in you, you're going to have to start airing out all the real dirty laundry from your marriage.  Something obviously ain't right there.  Until then, just be quiet and know your role. 

Kim Richards: Does anyone else feel protective over Kim?  I mean, yes she's (allegedly) dumb as a box of rocks, and yes her blank gaze cuts right through to your soul but her vulerability makes you feel bad for her and just want to hug  her and shield her from the realities of the adult world. 

Adrienne Maloof:  Is it just me or does Adrienne seem like she has an accent? I can't place it but I Wikipedia'd her ass (you know, the word of god) and it said her and the rest of the Maloofs are originally from New Mexico, so there goes that theory.  Other than that, Adrienne is like the boring sorority mom who all the sisters visit to spill catty fight details so she can "call it."  I know her and her husband are trying to drum up some sort of comedic marriage storyline between the two of them, but it's just falling flat.  He comes off as a dumb goon - and I don't know if that's the best reputation for a top Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.  Otherwise, she's good people. amirite?

Lisa Vanderpump: How does one not love Lisa?  I just want her to coo a lullabby in my ear as I fall asleep.  Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa Vanderpump.  I can just say her name all day long.  I love the episodes when @GiggythePom makes an appearance too.  Poor little buddy was getting manhandled like a rag doll out in the backyard (with his little - matching with hubby - lavendar polo shirt).  Is that critter alive?  If you told me he was stuffed, I'd believe you in a New York minute. 

Kyle Richards: Whenever it's a Kyle segment, I try to concentrate on the scene, but all I see is her hair flowing. In slow motion. That's it.  I know there was fighting with Camille and her sister, and some sort of shopping scene, but it's all a blur.  She shouldn't waste her time doing anything on camera but putting her hair up and then slowly taking it down, and then clipping it back up. And then her husband can come and hold their little baby with his bicep flexed. Boom, a whole show right there.

Camille Grammer: Ok - I have so man (<-- typo but I'm keeping it for obvious reasons) thoughts about Camille this episode, but it's all swirling around in my head trying to get out at the same time in an incoherent mess. Let me try some bullets to break it down:

• Her "friends" that swoon over her and tell her how "jealous" everyone is of her.  I think she pays them. Well obviously the hair and makeup folk, but the married couple, what's up with that weird relationship? I think it's all staged and Camille is really "hittin" that dude, and deep down inside, he really doesn't like her either.  He's just trying to get camera time because he wants to be an actor.
• Camille in Kelsey's dressing room as he tries to repeatedly kick her out and she still lingers.  I felt so uncomfortable watching this scene. You know his mistress was hiding behind some curtain right before Camille ambushed him with the cameras. AWWWWKKKKKWWWWARRRRRD. It's so apparent that Kelsey can't stand his wife- brilliant move on his part convincing her to do this show so that we'd all know just how rotten she is right as he files for divorce.   Genius plan, he is a puppet master.
• Camille reading "The Art of War." Yes Camille you are sooooo smart. Wow and you're preparing for battle like a true soldier. Brava. Brava.  Oh and yes, your vocabulary is off the charts, and when you say pernicious over and over it makes you THAT much smarter. 
• We ALL wish we could be you, we are SOOO JEALOUS that we don't have four nannies, a house manager, bought friends, a husband who hates us, kids who have no idea who we are etc. etc. and so on.  Ok, I may be jealous of your Club MTV stint, you got me there Camille. 

 For more Housewives/Bravo commentary, check out Andy Cohen, Can We Twalk.