Daily Dits - Brought to You By.....

• Our DVR is on the fritz.  Desperate for TV, we scrounged the cable on demand bins and watched the first two episodes of the Joan & Melissa reality show.  Couple things ladies:

1. You're telling us that we're supposed to believe Melissa and Joe Francis are "longtime friends?"  Yeah, the closeness between the two just blew us away.  In no way do we suspect that you share the same publicist (or manager etc.. etc...) and this was a contrived attempt to garner some cross-publicity for Joe's new T&A something or other while earning some street cred points for Melissa.  P.S. in no way do we think Joe Francis can earn one street cred points, but we think Melissa and Joan think so. 
2. We've seen many a scripted reality shows in our day, but this... this thing.... makes The Hills look like an Academy Award winning documentary. (Seriously, we really wanted to like it, we love Joan after seeing her HBO documentary, but this thing is just a piece of crap that we can't polish). P.S. we'll still probably watch every episode.  
3. The cliche Swedish nanny? Really?  We don't even have to write a joke for that one. Really??? (<-- read in "Really With Seth & Amy" voice)

• We're debating whether we should "invest" in Real Housewives of Miami. @BravoAndy - you have a limited window of time to convince us. So far, the sneak peeks have been a little unda-well-ming. We already (halfheartedly) watch Basketball Wives ... soooooo we have a rule that we don't watch simultaneous reality shows set in the same city (New Jersey exempt, of course).  P.S. that's not really a rule so much as something we just made up to rationalize our lack of enthusiasm for RHOM. Anyhoo aren't like 50% of cheap reality shows produced in the bowels of the San Fernando Valley? (and more like 80% of VH1 reality shows).  We hope to be eating crow about RHOM soon because, well, we got a lot of time on our hands.   

• Speaking of VH1 reality shows, we were soooooo loving the second season of You're Cut Off until, much to our dismay, Jenn Jowett (<---- PS we had no idea what her name was, so we Googled "You're Cut Off 2" Crazy Girl and voila!) was kicked off.  P.P.S. we just got sidetracked for a good half hour after Googling Jenn, reading up on all her misadventures like (allegedly) being pulled over for a DUI the day the show debuted.  Then we got caught up in her Twitter stream and man is she bitter about how everything went down.  We had fun reading her disses on Laura the Life Coach and her back and forth Tweet war w/Season 1 girls (namely, Gia Khay).  Our favorite Jenn quote on the S1/S2 rivalry (so far):"our potatoe scene might be more talked about than their season" [sauce: 2/2/2011 Twitter].

UPDATE: Holy mackerel!  We just ran across more info on Jenn (guilty: we're still Googling).  Two posts on the TheDirty website (see here and here) allege that Jenn used to be the mistress of Larry Rudolph, Britney Spears' manager. Yowza! (P.S. we are in NO way saying these allegations are true).

• The Social Network trailer still gives us goose bumps.  Rashida Jones: "(you) got twenty two hundred hits in two hours?"  Zuckerberg actor: "Thousand, twenty two thousand"  Brrr!!!!! Chillsssssssssssssss. Don't know why we threw that in here, but the commercial just came on and if you can't tell already, we're just barfing out a nonsensical stream of consciousness soooooooo....

• Our despotic dog just walked into the room, gave us a dirty look, and walked out.  Prompting us to run after him trying to win his affection back, but he just farted and rebuffed us.  He's cold as ice (except when we're eating Burger King, and we fall for the "fake" niceness every time, guess we know what we're having for dinner now).

• Have we mentioned how obsessed we've become with the Charles In Charge sitcom from the 80s? Season 1 just dropped on Hulu and we're already 1/3 of the way through it. Only problem is we can't  get the dang theme song out of our heads: new boy in the neighborhood, he lives downstairs and it's understood, he's there just to take good care of me, like he's one of the familyyyyyyy. Charles in Charge of our days and our rights.  Charles in Charge of our wrongs and our rights and you'll see I want.. I want Charles in Charge of me.   <------ kind of pedo bear when you really analyze it now?  Anyway, the show pre-dates us so it's like a whole new discovery. Why don't they make sitcoms like this anymore? P.S.  dang Scott Baio was hot in his day.  Those Baywatch girls never had a chance. Too bad he turned out to be kinda scuzzy (basing this on his crappy VH1 reality show from a few years back, which we believe to be 100% true).  

Real Housewives of Atlanta (RHOA) Reunion - First Look Leaks!

Some fun leaking going on in Twittville today. 

Andy Cohen has had a heck of a time getting to the A.T.L. for the RHOA Reunion.  What with his flight to Atlanta getting cancelled and an icy overnight in Birmingham. He finally boarded a private (looking) plane for the land of the peaches:

Phew! Good thing because the Twitter war between Nene and Kim Zolciak has certainly whet our appetites though [I know I didn't do a story on it, but Jezebel did. Basically Nene was implying Kim was a transvestite and slammed her for having 3 baby daddies - Meanwhile, doesn't Nene have 2?  Not that there's anything wrong with either, but that's a pretty slim margin for the pot to call the kettle black.  Miss Kim actually kept it pretty classy, rebuffing most of Nene's digs.  So there you have it].

Andy is finally safe in snowy Atlanta, and it looks like he's having fun with our BFF Kim  and her hair game cause he leaked this cute pic:

They're on the set of the Reunion as I click these keys. 

Also looks like our other BFF Derek J is now doing Kandi's hair too, because he just Twatted her fierce new look:

Loving the longer hair and highlights guuuurrrrrl!

Back to Kim and Nene. What do you think? Is their latest feud (which appears to erupt in next week's RHOA episode judging from the teaser) all hype? Or is it for real?

Timing seems kind of convenient, but you never know with these two.

Any other info out there? Hit us up at payattentiontoblog@gmail.com

12/16 (Kinda) Live-Blogging Real Housewives of Beverly Hills



Today's post brought to you by Mauricio
Umansky-Richards and Giggy Vanderpump 
Source: Wetpaint.com

For the first time ever at PAT,  we are (almost) live-blogging RHOBH! (westsiyeeeeed time zone - in honor of Giggy Vanderpump's 'hood).  The almost is because I needed some time for the Tivo to do it's job - I don't fancy dealing with bloody adver-tizments (did you just say that in Lisa's perfectly proper English accent like I did in my head? No? Me neither). 

Before we get started, how excited are we that tonight's episode is the much anticipated Malibu Barbie Pizza Massacre 2010 (AKA dinner party at Camille's)? 

AND
how waaaaay excited are we that Kyle Richards is going to be on Watch What Happens Live tonight?  They better not let Denise (Richards, the other guest) get too much shine, we don't have time for her (Attention Andy Cohen: stick her in the online aftershow).

OK so heeeere we go.....

:00 Opening Credits
Why does Kyle playing with her coif in front of the mirror give me goosebumps and make the hair on the back of my neck stand at attention? 

:01
Woo hoo Lisa and Giggy in the first segment! Prayers have been answered! BTW, who else thinks that Ken's hair can use some conditioner? And maybe a little de-mulletizing?  But it's hard to be mad at him when he's so gentle, carrying our precious Gigz around. No matching shirts today, boo.

:02
Camille and Taylor, these two again, ugh. Camille talks about her daugher like she's an acquaintance. "I think she's 8 now, she's at school a lot."  Bitch, she's not your second cousin twice removed.

Woo hoo, first mention of impending "dinner party."  Camille learned a new phrase from her "self help book" (AKA the Garfield phrase-a-day calendar): cautiously optimistic.  Do you think she knows what it means? Ha ha just kidding.

So basically, I've cracked Camille's decpetive, clever, near-indecipherable code.  This dinner party is a ruse wherein Camille will invite her angry drunk "Medium" friend, ply her with alcohol and shove her Kyle's way to really let her have it.  Why do I feel like this was hatched from the play book of a one Mr. Wile E. Coyote?  Listen Camille, Kyle is no ordinary Roadrunner.  She's a Hilton once removed - they do unscathed in their sleep.  You don't stand a chance. <PREDICTION> <UPDATE: PREDICTION CORRECT!>




:04
Oy, it's Glitter Hair and the Goof (AKA multicamera sitcom featuring Adrienne and Paul).  Seriously, who else has noticed they only play the "comedy" music track for these two (you know, the same music that follows Real Housewives of Orange County's Lynn Curtin around)? Bravo's in on it too.  Are they pandering for their own  Brav-omedy or something?

Anyways - does anyone find the "best BH rhinoplasty surgeon in the world with a broken nose" storyline a little suspect/planted/bullshit/hackneyed? 
:08
Leave it up to Camille to not know the difference between a live person and an answering machine. She had to call Vandypump like 5 times before she figured it out. We know she's a "waits to talk" vs. listener, but this is ridiculous.  P.S. Vandy, pretending you're actually picking up the phone in your greeting is so '80s.  I did that shit on my hamburger compact phone (which sat on a white lucite night stand that also had a metallic mint green blow up palm tree and a hamster cage which - for a fleeting fortnight - housed a gorgeous white/beige specimen - but that's a story for another day).

I love how Camille  mumbled to Kyle "look nice" under her breath.  I see what you did there Camille.

:15
Lisa  + Giggy + autographed Laboutins. Is this woman's life for real?  Because if I read about her in a book I wouldn't buy it.  P.S. I think Giggy has a quaalude habit (somehow, Cedric has to be involved).




:15
Geeyah, Kyle playing with her hair, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to pay attention to this. 

Stop the presses, incoming: Kyle's plus one is Faye Resnick?!?!?!?!?! The OJ trial rag tag cast of characters has officially infiltrated RHOBH.  First Kato Kaelin at Taylor's casino engagement last week and now this????

:16
In fifteen seconds, Camille was able to name drop her dress label (Chloe) and let us know that she collects lingerie "like candy." Impressive.  Sidenote: her closet really is a mess- doesn't she have a staff of like 50 people?  Too lazy to even boss other pepole around Mealy?

:18
Um, here's why I'm falling behind, because when I saw Adrienne walk out to the limo in her black lace tights (BLACK LACE TIGHTS!!! AND NOT IN AN IRONIC AMERICAN APPAREL KIND OF WAY!!! SORRY I'LL STOP YELLING NOW) and lazy Dynasty getup, I literally paused the TV and drank it all in for a good 10 minutes.

Of course Lisa is flawless per the usual, but why is Ken holding three Giggys now? Is Giggy code for  Gizmo (for the millennials: that's a Gremlins reference, Google it)? You feed him quaaludes after midnight and he multiplies???

:19
First shot of Faye Resnick!!!! That's all.

:20
Uh oh, Medium friend Allison looks like she's already on her third bottle of Boones (in a glass the size of a fish bowl) before the party even starts as Camille gives her the "drink up" eyes.  She's already practicing her Kyle put downs!!!  Dun dun dun. And scene.

:21
Pizza oven's fired up!!  Please enjoy this brief intermission.  I need to see a man about a horse.

Ok I'm back.  Wow, Medium Allison's up down "I'm judging you" look when the ladies walk in is priceless.

Um, how many times are they gonna tell us that she's the Medium?  "Patricia Arquette plays her!! That's her!"   Not really that impressive, Camille's paid friend Dodo/Deidre/Doo Doo whatever your name is, we don't have time for you!  Chillax, take a 'lude (Giggy has a guy).

:22
Kyle enters the drafty, echo-y soul-less Malibu mansion!!!  Kyle get out while you can!! It's a trap!!

I love all the kiss kiss greetings at the beginning of a party when everything is still fake and proper pre-meltdown.  Just wait my precious, the magic margarita slash soup bowl elixir works beneath the surface.  P.S. the Bronte-esque foreboding in the tense, non-verbal greeting between Faye and Camille was a nice touch.  

:24
Camille bestows the title "guests of honor" upon Allison and "Double D" presents them with the primo seating. Meanwhile, she's herding the rest of the ladies to the trough like a bunch of cattle.  A nice move from her Teach 'em Who's Boss self-help book.  I'm surprised her chair isn't two feet higher than everyone else's (when you look down at 'em, it gives 'em an inferiority complex - Teach 'em Who's Boss!!!!)

Uh oh, Allison's startin' to show her crazy eyes (and mouth).

:27
Allison gettin' crazier by the second, I like where this is headed.

BTW, there's no way that Allison and D.D. aren't on Camille's payroll (along with married actor dude).  They work on commission - each compliment gets them $100, and each sly back-handed complimentputdown directed at the other women gets them $250. 

:28
Camille: "who is Faye? Oh yea, I saw her naked in Playboy" "I loved your spread, literally." Predictable Camille, you're grasping. Step up your game.  P.S. everytime Camille thinks she says something smart in her confessional, she smirks and says "but um......"  Note to self: this would make a good drinking game. Oh, and apparently Faye is "morally corrupt."  Hi pot, meet kettle.

Thank the lord Kyle the fact checker was there w/her laptop to quickly point out that Camille did Playboy too.  Camille's counterpoint: "I did the lingerie supplement, not naked."  Ohhhh thanks for clearing that up for us Camille. In that case, you're still super classy.

:30
Uh oh, they're playing the whimsical comedy track, that can only mean that Adrienne (what kind of zany character will she run into next?!?) the sitcom star has a funny/awkward (fawkward?) interaction with crazy eyes party guest, Medium Allison.  I can't wait for the chuckles to ensue!!!!! I think the name of this episode is "Allison DuBois and the electronic cigarette."

BTW update: of course I Googled Allison's "Oprah" appearance she managed to mention. Here it is http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/A-Call-from-Beyond/6 with a screenshot for the lazy:


No comment.

:34
Finally, the Kyle/Allison duel Camille's been planning for weeks is getting started. 

BRB popping popcorn - talk amongst yourselves, I'll give you a topic: Is Adrienne's husband hiding in a cheerleader costume due to a hilarious Three's Company-esque misunderstanding? Discuss.

K. I'm back.

KYLE, DO YOU REALLY WANNA GO THERE???? DO YOU REALLLY WANNA GO THERE? THEY ALL SAY IN UNISON.

Ironic foreshadowing of the day part 2,  Camille: "If someone's been cheating, she'll (Medium Allison) know."

Finally, Allison pounces "He (Mauricio) will never emotionally fulfill you... never... know that."  How dare she besmirch Mauricio!!! Girlfriend's got her Kelsey/Mauricio wires crossed. Obv.   Either way, Medium Allison is going down.

:36
Lisa the "Oh no, not New York" voice of reason tries to diffuse the situation.  Not working, but A for effort (and cleavage).

Faye running interference (AKA fights for "the crazy friend" camera time) with Medium Allison.  No patience for these Noobs.

 :41
Poor little Kim is cracking from the tension.  The more jittery and twitchy Kim gets, the more Taylor glares at her. Sudden movements of weak prey awakens hunger inside lippy beast.

Meanwhile, Camille's puppet show is coming undone. 

Kyle finally unhinges her jaw and tells Allison what we're all thinking: "you're boring me...." Pwned!!! See Kyle knows that indifference is worse than hate, she learned that from her niece, or was it the dusty "Conrad Hilton (not the new, young one)  Guide to Insulting Fake Society Folk" she keeps in her night stand (gift from newly Hilton'd Kathy circa Christmas 1982)?

:43
Washed up Medium ecigarette puffing hack calls  poor man's Demi "washed up" and tells her she's achieved "nothing in life." Um, EXCUSE ME, last time I checked (AKA just now on Google), Mauricio is only the TOP selling BH luxury realtor at Hilton and Hyland thank you very much! That's an achievement! She pulled that! And have you seen him with his shirt off? Good day! I said good day!

:45
Taylor has had enough and starts to "get all Oklahoma" on Kim again for some reason (cough camera time cough) and then runs to mama Adrienne to "make it stop."  The psychological nuances were not lost on us, but still kinda boring. Next.

:48
No seriously what is this meaningless fight with Kim and Taylor? Something about New York bullshit and then I think Kim said someting about Taylor's lips, but my mind was wandering and I was too lazy (and bored) to rewind it. Can the editors do a better job at trimming the snooze? 

Finally the ladies have had enough - they bust out of the haunted mansion.  Kim tries to be nice to Camille when she says bye and then awkwardly trips over something.  Lightbulb over my head, if anyone should be landing a sitcom deal 'round these parts, it's this one.

:56
I'm kinda mad at Kyle for shoving Kim alone in a limo, ditching her for the other ladies.  Conjures up memories of my older sister in junior high when she was with her "cool friends" and ignored me in the halls.  Nobody puts Kimmy in the limo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:57
Oh snap, Camille insinuates Mauricio is a philanderer!! "He really loves women" Eek, karma's a bitch Mealy.

How sad is the scene with Kim calling Kyle in the limo and her NOT PICKING UP????? Meanwhile they're going to the Polo Lounge without Kim! Let's all tip a 40 for Kim.  Kyle, you're falling off your pedestal. 

Upcoming Episode Teaser:  Why does the closeup scene of Kyle with a blurry Camille in the background (both of them in flapper wigs and getups mind you) remind me of some Lifetime Channel murder mystery thriller?

And scene. 

Live blogging is harder than I thought y'all!

Peace, love and Giggy.

P.S. Cowboy Adrienne Maloof says bye too.
 

Real Housewives of Atlanta - I'm Getting Lazy

So, I'm getting lazy, it's Tuesday evening and I'm just now getting to addressing RHOA.  It didn't move me enough to get off my a$$ and do a character by character recap in real-time.  I'll shoot for this on Thursday with RHOBH. 

Ok so I don't really know what was up with the 1:15 minute episode this past Sunday.  It's not like it was so action-packed they couldn't shave a bunch off (AKA every single Cynthia segment - bore bore snore snore) and we would've walked away with the same picture in our heads. A bit underwhelming.  Here's my half ass attempt at pretending I cared about any of this week's mess:

• I'm not even going to lie and say that I watched the Cynthia scenes. I fast forward'd through them, no time to waste on these wet noodles.  Though I will say, in my FF frenzy, it looked like they had some sort of mixed bag entourage with them - who were these fools?  Didn't really care enough to invest.
• Another disappointment, nothing interesting enough on the Kim front - except her amazing awesome outfit when she went purity ring shopping with her offspring. I present you the latest in classy fashion:

Photo (c) Bravo

• Ugh sorry that's a crappy pic (all I could find) that makes it look like she was wearing an             innocent little maxi dress.  You gotta take my word (which isn't worth much, sorry) there was a ton of side boobage and striperella strappy bikini back action going on.  Moving on, who else is getting sick of this Kim/Kandi cold war of words over Tardy for the Party  money? You can't stretch this non story over 8 episodes and not have anything new to share. 
•  Ok, so on to Kandi.  Can we please get off this Kandi Koated Nights nonsense?  Really, does anyone watch this cracker jack operation?  I just went over to the KKN to see if I can get a viewer count, but that thing is held together with masking tape, almost froze my computer so I had to bolt.  Kandi - stop talking about vaginas 24/7 it's like vajayjay this and coochie that.  Ugh yes we get it you are a "freak" go to Craigslist and don't drag us in the middle of things we can't unhear. 
•  I'm not going to waste too much time on Phaedra today since she's usually the centerpiece of these recaps (and she was only on for like 30 seconds).  Anyone else feel like her husband has a side piece?  There's a sort of I'm a subservient kept man who will get the last laugh glimmer in his eye dontcha think? And why did they get home from the hospital and get all comfy before going back to the car for the baby?
• This brings me to Nene. I am convinced that Nene thinks there's a reality show category at the Oscars.  First with the Melanie Griffith Working Girl storyline last week and now this week with the Kramer v. Kramer slash War of the Roses drama with Gregg.  That was some good stuff Nene, I have a feeling Andy Cohen will pull some strings and get the Bravo folks to cough up a fake Oscar and awards ceremony 2 episode special....
• Saving the best for last - award for keeping my attention longest this week went to Sheree and Dr. Tyee (of pervy finger-licking and sandal wearing, super serious, important, for real online degree fame).  The lunchtime showdown between these two is the stuff I liver for.  Tyee is the shadiest of the shady, he oozes "I'm lying" from every pore of his body.  My favorite part of course, was the end when he pulled his paper proof (AKA fake University of Phonix diploma written with a Sharpie in his car 5 minutes before the date) that he has a PhD but refused to show it to her unless she'd prove to him that she was really a woman. But how sad was I when he walked off into the sunset? Bravo, find a way to get him back in stat (or get some more Dwight scenes to fill this void).

For more Housewives/Bravo commentary,  check out Andy Cohen, Can We Twalk, RHOA 11/23 Check You and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You

Alright women, time to Check You.  I was a little late tuning in to this week's episode. I wanted to wait until I had a chance to really settle in and savor it.

Let's get to it:

Yeah, this is really Taylor back in the day.

Yowza. She looked like the mom
from Growing Pains!!

Taylor Armstrong:  What exactly happens when someone gets "Oklahoma" on our asses? Do you just make it really  dusty all around?  I gotta say, Taylor hasn't earned our respect or the credibility to be going around talking like she's tough. We've all seen this subservient, fake damsel around her husband enough times to know that she doesn't have a spine.  Her outburst at Kim was an obvious ploy to get some camera time because she doesn't have a story line.  We don't really care honey.  If you want us to invest in you, you're going to have to start airing out all the real dirty laundry from your marriage.  Something obviously ain't right there.  Until then, just be quiet and know your role. 

Kim Richards: Does anyone else feel protective over Kim?  I mean, yes she's (allegedly) dumb as a box of rocks, and yes her blank gaze cuts right through to your soul but her vulerability makes you feel bad for her and just want to hug  her and shield her from the realities of the adult world. 

Adrienne Maloof:  Is it just me or does Adrienne seem like she has an accent? I can't place it but I Wikipedia'd her ass (you know, the word of god) and it said her and the rest of the Maloofs are originally from New Mexico, so there goes that theory.  Other than that, Adrienne is like the boring sorority mom who all the sisters visit to spill catty fight details so she can "call it."  I know her and her husband are trying to drum up some sort of comedic marriage storyline between the two of them, but it's just falling flat.  He comes off as a dumb goon - and I don't know if that's the best reputation for a top Beverly Hills plastic surgeon.  Otherwise, she's good people. amirite?

Lisa Vanderpump: How does one not love Lisa?  I just want her to coo a lullabby in my ear as I fall asleep.  Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa Vanderpump.  I can just say her name all day long.  I love the episodes when @GiggythePom makes an appearance too.  Poor little buddy was getting manhandled like a rag doll out in the backyard (with his little - matching with hubby - lavendar polo shirt).  Is that critter alive?  If you told me he was stuffed, I'd believe you in a New York minute. 

Kyle Richards: Whenever it's a Kyle segment, I try to concentrate on the scene, but all I see is her hair flowing. In slow motion. That's it.  I know there was fighting with Camille and her sister, and some sort of shopping scene, but it's all a blur.  She shouldn't waste her time doing anything on camera but putting her hair up and then slowly taking it down, and then clipping it back up. And then her husband can come and hold their little baby with his bicep flexed. Boom, a whole show right there.

Camille Grammer: Ok - I have so man (<-- typo but I'm keeping it for obvious reasons) thoughts about Camille this episode, but it's all swirling around in my head trying to get out at the same time in an incoherent mess. Let me try some bullets to break it down:

• Her "friends" that swoon over her and tell her how "jealous" everyone is of her.  I think she pays them. Well obviously the hair and makeup folk, but the married couple, what's up with that weird relationship? I think it's all staged and Camille is really "hittin" that dude, and deep down inside, he really doesn't like her either.  He's just trying to get camera time because he wants to be an actor.
• Camille in Kelsey's dressing room as he tries to repeatedly kick her out and she still lingers.  I felt so uncomfortable watching this scene. You know his mistress was hiding behind some curtain right before Camille ambushed him with the cameras. AWWWWKKKKKWWWWARRRRRD. It's so apparent that Kelsey can't stand his wife- brilliant move on his part convincing her to do this show so that we'd all know just how rotten she is right as he files for divorce.   Genius plan, he is a puppet master.
• Camille reading "The Art of War." Yes Camille you are sooooo smart. Wow and you're preparing for battle like a true soldier. Brava. Brava.  Oh and yes, your vocabulary is off the charts, and when you say pernicious over and over it makes you THAT much smarter. 
• We ALL wish we could be you, we are SOOO JEALOUS that we don't have four nannies, a house manager, bought friends, a husband who hates us, kids who have no idea who we are etc. etc. and so on.  Ok, I may be jealous of your Club MTV stint, you got me there Camille. 

 For more Housewives/Bravo commentary, check out Andy Cohen, Can We Twalk.

Um, Hi - You. Andy Cohen. Can We Twalk?

Andy Cohen (I know you're reading this right now. Let's not pretend you don't have Google Alerts on yourself. And we know the're set to "as it happens" stedda the more demure "once daily" option) Hi, what's up? Just wanted to say thanks for ruining my life with these crap mess shows.  I'm the junkie to your Colombian drug cartel. 

So tonight I caught up on some of my stories, starting with "Real Housewives of Atlanta: a Sugar Vajay Affair," folllowed by "Millionaire Matchmaker: Menopuase in Shorts Edition" and then Kathy Griffin's "Ho on Crutches."

I need to get some stuff off my chest.  Let's start with RHOA (it's an industry term):

• Phaedra - a) thank you for ruining pickles for me for at least a week (what? I like pickies in my tuna - don't make that perverted, seriously tuna salad on wheat, get your mind out of the kindergutter).  b) Nene's right, if you're gonna be shady about a due date - be a better lawyer about it.  You should have been cross-examining those women, confusing them with bloody gloves and venn diagrams, and c) we all know that you bought the Gucci diaper bag and forced your man to present it to you at the Mother's Day dinner party.  For a girl who likes to go around reminding everyone how classy she is, that was some tacky ish.
• Kim - stop yelling at your assistant, it's not cute.  And pay Kandi for her tracks. 
• Nene - love you girl.  How come the most jaded of us haters all love Nene?  Cause boo keeps it real.  Stay strong mama - rock that fierce  2.nose (see what I did there?) 
• Kandi - we need to get you a story line. Oh, and thanks to your back asswards advice, gynecologists across America will be rull busy soon.
• She by Sheree - somethin ain't right about Tyee - but I can't put my (FINGER OH MY GOD FINGER COOKIE DOUGH MY EYES BARF BARF HAIL MARY HAIL MARY) on it.
• New Tall Girl- I don't really know you yet, but tell your man to step off Nene. 

Ok, on to Millionaire HatchetMaker. 

• I'm not even going to get to the millionaires in this episode. Snobby gay guy is too easy. And drunky  douche from Brooklyn without an original thought in his head who seeks approval and validation from his meathead friends on any move he makes INCLUDING A GIRL ON A FIRST DATE - you get a hall pass this week.
• This is all about Patti. Because homegirl officially jumped the shark this episode. 
• Honey, something happens when you decide to cut yourself off from the real world and surround yourself with "yes men"  that depend on you for a living. (By the by, guess what - at night as they're taking down the mohawk and uncurling their pink bangs, they talk about how much of a joke you are - or they run away and do tell alls in Star Magzine - but I digress).  Something happens when you cruelly judge women in a lineup episode after episode.   
• Honey, you're like a bad pschology experiment gone wrong. I've seen bowls of oatmeal more self aware than you are.  I know you think you're cute and that we're chortling at those sad little match stick girls with you, but please don't get this mess twisted, we're laughing AT you.  
• Last night was literally the straw that broke the heffer's back.  When you started telling gay guy to stop being arrogant and judgey with people and made him wear ugly makeup to see how it feels when he acts that way towards people - my Lean Cuisine microwave pizza almost cashed in its return receipt. I literally did the Heidi Montag open mouth outrage stare at the TV for 10 minutes. 
• And girlfriend, we know you're really a sensitive salamander on the inside. Don't act like we don't remember the episode 2 seasons ago when the cougar client said your bangs were nasty. You may think you got her good chewing her out and kicking her out of your elite "Club," bit we've never seen you in bangs since. 
• Oh, one last thing.  Somebody lied to you about those shorts.    

Finally - a quick word on Kathy's special.  I wanted to like it, I really did.  Kathy - remember like 5 specials ago when you said that Oprah got better when she gained weight?  Well I think the unforgetting hand of fate has turned the tables on you.  Oh, and 1996 Gwen Stefani wannabe called, she wants her baby tee back. Seriously what is up with your on stage outfits?  You're all class-act-lady-who-lunches everywhere you go, then suddenly 5 minutes before every show you run into  a broom closet to put on your never evolving black pants (or dickies?) schmoutfit. Sup with that?  Sup?

Oh and P.S. Andy, why can't I stop watching "Watch What Crappens?"  I think it's because I NEED  to know what new Disorano on the rocks "not a sponsor" mixed drink you're rockin every week in the "faux millionaire's study in a jersey warehouse basement" setup you got goin' there.  We cracked the code on why the shot is so tight.  Geesh Bravo spring the extra $50 at the garage sale to make the mockuparlor set more than 4' x 4'. Sometimes we need a wide shot to keep us ensconced in the make believe. You're piercing the veil of our fantasy worlds.

Mzl (that's short for Mazel Tov so it doesn't take as much space).
     
Payce.