Real Houswevies of Atlanta (RHOA) Rundown - Check You

G-O-O-G-L-E Me... (no seriously, I need some search engine optimization for real up in here).

Season 3, Episode 8.  Ladies, I'm gonna have to check you.  Let's get to it...

Phaedra: 

• Please tell me this "lawyer" did not just say that the lady fingers are filled with "barbarian cream" what in the, WHAT?
• Phaedra, we aren't stupid.  In the early scenes, we know that you told your doctor and your husband to go along with this whole "36 weeks but full term" nonsense on camera because you're hiding a deep, dark soap opera secret about that baby.
• Admitting Nurse: "how many weeks are you?" Phaedra: "I don't know" hmmmm.......
• OOHHH!!! 28 min in and the doctor finally sells Phaedra out!!! "You're at 40 weeks" mmm hmmmmm. He couldn't lose sleep over these lies anymore (or he couldn't keep track)
• Favorite Phaedra quote (aside from barbarian cream): "The first time I looked at him, he just looked Chinese to me"

Kandi:

• 30 min. in and I still don't have anything interesting to write about Kandi yet. She's kind of like the glue that holds the storylines together but that's about it.

Nene:

• I love that Nene put on her best "Working Girl" Melanie Griffith shoulder-padded blazer and marched down to the local TV station to get herself a job.  Go on with your independent woman self Nene.
• Nene has celebrities on speed dial, just in case you didn't know. 
• Once you piss off Michael Lohan, you're pretty much black-balled. Guess Nene doesn't know that yet. 

Kim:

• Out of what gutter did you pick up that orange wig you dusted off and gave to Kandi???
• Just fyi, a high school biology class does not constitute a nursing degree
• Kim, why did your "can I smoke in the car?" (Kandi: "no") "then I ain't coming" make me laugh so hard I near fell off the couch? Kim is so relaxed but in your face about everything. My brain doesn't know how to make sense of it.

Sheree:

• Look at Sheree  talking up Tyee (of finger licking Tyee fame) because her ex-husband is in ear shot.  Obvious, but entertaining.
• Finally, 40 minutes in, Tyee shows up!! happy dance. Wait, what's up with his sandals? I mean, the fact that he's wearing sandals - with a blazer and trousers.
• Okay, is it just me or did you kinda feel bad for the feller as the entire group grilled him about this "Dr." nonsense. 
• BRB, going to get my online doctor certification at the Eastern Southern Illinois College.
• UPDATE: Forgot to mention I just read that damn Aston Martin Sheree flaunted up and down the streets this episode has already been repossessed. SMH

Closing thoughts:
Okay guys, I'm a Dr. now! Phew, it was a hard 7 minutes, but I persevered.  Just printed out my diploma and everything. 

• Favorite quote from upcoming scenes
• Dr Tyee (to Sheree): "prove that you're a woman"
• Lisa: I see what you did there. Your name isn't bolded here, but it sure looks like you're trying hard to get back into that status.....  

 For more Housewives/Bravo commentary, check out Andy Cohen, Can We Twalk and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Check You.

Um, Hi - You. Andy Cohen. Can We Twalk?

Andy Cohen (I know you're reading this right now. Let's not pretend you don't have Google Alerts on yourself. And we know the're set to "as it happens" stedda the more demure "once daily" option) Hi, what's up? Just wanted to say thanks for ruining my life with these crap mess shows.  I'm the junkie to your Colombian drug cartel. 

So tonight I caught up on some of my stories, starting with "Real Housewives of Atlanta: a Sugar Vajay Affair," folllowed by "Millionaire Matchmaker: Menopuase in Shorts Edition" and then Kathy Griffin's "Ho on Crutches."

I need to get some stuff off my chest.  Let's start with RHOA (it's an industry term):

• Phaedra - a) thank you for ruining pickles for me for at least a week (what? I like pickies in my tuna - don't make that perverted, seriously tuna salad on wheat, get your mind out of the kindergutter).  b) Nene's right, if you're gonna be shady about a due date - be a better lawyer about it.  You should have been cross-examining those women, confusing them with bloody gloves and venn diagrams, and c) we all know that you bought the Gucci diaper bag and forced your man to present it to you at the Mother's Day dinner party.  For a girl who likes to go around reminding everyone how classy she is, that was some tacky ish.
• Kim - stop yelling at your assistant, it's not cute.  And pay Kandi for her tracks. 
• Nene - love you girl.  How come the most jaded of us haters all love Nene?  Cause boo keeps it real.  Stay strong mama - rock that fierce  2.nose (see what I did there?) 
• Kandi - we need to get you a story line. Oh, and thanks to your back asswards advice, gynecologists across America will be rull busy soon.
• She by Sheree - somethin ain't right about Tyee - but I can't put my (FINGER OH MY GOD FINGER COOKIE DOUGH MY EYES BARF BARF HAIL MARY HAIL MARY) on it.
• New Tall Girl- I don't really know you yet, but tell your man to step off Nene. 

Ok, on to Millionaire HatchetMaker. 

• I'm not even going to get to the millionaires in this episode. Snobby gay guy is too easy. And drunky  douche from Brooklyn without an original thought in his head who seeks approval and validation from his meathead friends on any move he makes INCLUDING A GIRL ON A FIRST DATE - you get a hall pass this week.
• This is all about Patti. Because homegirl officially jumped the shark this episode. 
• Honey, something happens when you decide to cut yourself off from the real world and surround yourself with "yes men"  that depend on you for a living. (By the by, guess what - at night as they're taking down the mohawk and uncurling their pink bangs, they talk about how much of a joke you are - or they run away and do tell alls in Star Magzine - but I digress).  Something happens when you cruelly judge women in a lineup episode after episode.   
• Honey, you're like a bad pschology experiment gone wrong. I've seen bowls of oatmeal more self aware than you are.  I know you think you're cute and that we're chortling at those sad little match stick girls with you, but please don't get this mess twisted, we're laughing AT you.  
• Last night was literally the straw that broke the heffer's back.  When you started telling gay guy to stop being arrogant and judgey with people and made him wear ugly makeup to see how it feels when he acts that way towards people - my Lean Cuisine microwave pizza almost cashed in its return receipt. I literally did the Heidi Montag open mouth outrage stare at the TV for 10 minutes. 
• And girlfriend, we know you're really a sensitive salamander on the inside. Don't act like we don't remember the episode 2 seasons ago when the cougar client said your bangs were nasty. You may think you got her good chewing her out and kicking her out of your elite "Club," bit we've never seen you in bangs since. 
• Oh, one last thing.  Somebody lied to you about those shorts.    

Finally - a quick word on Kathy's special.  I wanted to like it, I really did.  Kathy - remember like 5 specials ago when you said that Oprah got better when she gained weight?  Well I think the unforgetting hand of fate has turned the tables on you.  Oh, and 1996 Gwen Stefani wannabe called, she wants her baby tee back. Seriously what is up with your on stage outfits?  You're all class-act-lady-who-lunches everywhere you go, then suddenly 5 minutes before every show you run into  a broom closet to put on your never evolving black pants (or dickies?) schmoutfit. Sup with that?  Sup?

Oh and P.S. Andy, why can't I stop watching "Watch What Crappens?"  I think it's because I NEED  to know what new Disorano on the rocks "not a sponsor" mixed drink you're rockin every week in the "faux millionaire's study in a jersey warehouse basement" setup you got goin' there.  We cracked the code on why the shot is so tight.  Geesh Bravo spring the extra $50 at the garage sale to make the mockuparlor set more than 4' x 4'. Sometimes we need a wide shot to keep us ensconced in the make believe. You're piercing the veil of our fantasy worlds.

Mzl (that's short for Mazel Tov so it doesn't take as much space).
     
Payce.